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The Wellness Compass Initiative is an outreach of the Samaritan Family Wellness Foundation.

10/30/2026

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

Our hometown, Milwaukee, and the whole state of Wisconsin are still riding high after our Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series Wednesday night. To help you understand the joy this brings to our entire state, know that this is the first time in the team’s 57-year history that we have won the ultimate prize. So we, along with millions of other Brewers fans, have been cherishing every replay.

As a couple of family therapists doing a podcast and column about family wellness, we couldn’t help noticing how much of what the players and manager Pat Murphy have said about how they function as a team applies just as well to families. Here are a few quotes from the Brewers worth carrying from the ballpark to the kitchen table.

“I use love and discipline, in that order.”

Manager Pat Murphy’s simple comment about how he manages his players is as good a summary of healthy parenting as any we’ve heard in more than forty years of working with families. Children thrive when they receive both warmth and structure. Love without discipline (and remember that the root meaning of the word discipline is “to teach”) can drift toward permissiveness, and discipline without love can harden into fear-based control.

“We play for each other.”

The Brewers have talked about how much they prioritize working as a team, cheering each other on and picking each other up when someone is struggling. Everyone’s contribution is important, and everyone needs some support at one time or another.
Families get into trouble when everyone starts playing for themselves: keeping score of chores, protecting turf, needing to win arguments. A team that plays for each other asks a different question: What does that person need from me to do well today? Maybe it’s covering school pickup so your spouse can rest, or sharing in caregiving for a loved one. Playing for each other doesn’t mean losing yourself. It means trusting that when the team wins, you win too.

“Come over here, Aaron Ashby… let’s share this trophy.”

Moments after being named World Series MVP, William Contreras, the Brewers’ beloved catcher, invited his teammate Aaron Ashby (who many thought also deserved the MVP trophy) over and said, “Let’s share this trophy!”

That comment captured the soul of the team. It said, “It’s not about me; it’s about us.” In our families, that looks like being quick to lift others up and finding ways to share wins. As the African proverb says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

“We are a bunch of gamers, not Hall of Famers.”

Pat Murphy said this about his team after they swept the two-time defending champions, the Los Angeles Dodgers, earlier in the playoffs. This isn’t a team of famous stars, but a true team where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

There is real freedom in this line. Many of us carry an unspoken expectation of perfection, whether of ourselves or of others: perfect grades, perfect holidays, perfect behavior. Gamers don’t play for perfection. They show up, compete hard, make errors, and come back the next day ready to play hard again. When the Brewers lost a tough extra-inning game to the Rays, their captain, Christian Yelich, said to the team, “Baseball is hard, but we signed up for hard. We can do this.” Wise words. Family life is hard, too, but we can do this.

And the good news is that none of us need to be Hall of Famers. We just need to keep showing up, apologizing when we need to, and being people who demonstrate that effort, resilience, and heart matter more than flawlessness.

“We wouldn’t be here without all the people who went before us to make this possible.”

Last year, Bob Uecker, the Brewers’ beloved broadcaster of more than five decades, passed away, and the team and the city continue to miss his humor and passion for the game. He, along with many former players and team leaders, was honored in the postgame ceremonies as a big part of the journey to this championship.

Every family stands on others’ shoulders: grandparents who sacrificed, mentors who believed in us, neighbors, schools, community centers, and faith communities who held us up through the years. Gratitude for those who came before grounds us and roots us in a story larger than ourselves.

“Root, root, root for the home team.”

The crowd sings this line during the seventh-inning stretch at every Major League game, and somehow singing it together makes everyone feel good about their team.
The old song has it right: the home team is ours to root for. Yet sometimes it’s easy to save our best encouragement for people outside our families and end up taking our families for granted.

And the song’s very next line, “If they don’t win, it’s a shame,” reminds us that real fans, though disappointed at times, keep rooting through a challenging season, whether on the field or in a family.

The championship high we are feeling right now in Wisconsin will certainly fade at some point, but its lessons don’t have to. And even if you’re not a baseball or sports fan, never forget to root, root, root for your home team.

This column and podcast are offerings of the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, www.wellnesscompass.org. It is written by two licensed marriage and family therapists, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs, who are partners in life and work.

On our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we expand on the column's topic each week. Listen at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app

10/16/2026

Holding What Changes and What Endures

The poet Bonaro Overstreet once wrote, “October is a symphony of permanence and change.” This quote came to mind for us when we were recently on a hike on a beautiful fall day here in Wisconsin. Trees that were full of leaves just a month ago now have only a few stubborn leaves left to fall.

This year, in our “How’s the Family?” focus, we are exploring the well-being of individuals and families across the lifespan. Families, like trees, embody the symphony of permanence and change.

Some changes in our lives and the lives of our families are planned: a child leaves home after high school, a person retires, a new job begins, a family member moves to a retirement community. Other changes arrive unexpectedly: an accident or job loss, a diagnosis, a sudden move, a financial crisis. Because families are systems, any change in one person’s life affects everyone else. Touch one piece of a mobile hanging from the ceiling, and all the other pieces move, too.

In the midst of all the changes in families, ideally what is permanent is love. Love is what grounds us and holds us through the ups and downs. When we work with a family that is in conflict, after hearing the details of the conflict from each person, we always ask this question: “We know it might be hard right now to access the feelings we’re about to ask about, but through the years and before this current conflict, can you tell us what you love most about each other?” When we ask this question, the whole energy in the room begins to shift. Love, compassion, humor and connection reemerge, and from this place the family is able to face the current conflict with renewed hope.

At its best, a family is a refuge, a place where we can share the full range of our emotions and experiences. Creating and maintaining that refuge begins with each of us individually. As we tend our own emotional and spiritual lives, we expand our capacity to hold change, both our own and others’.

With the holidays on the horizon, it’s not too early to reflect on the ways the season amplifies our experience of permanence and change. Some traditions endure, and it also may be time for some to change. This is especially true if this holiday season will be the first one since a major loss. It is common to hear people talk about holiday preparations. We would be wise to add some inner work to those preparations, reflecting on what we want to hold on to and what we want to let go of.

While it is true that change is inevitable, it is equally true that love, compassion, forgiveness, peace and humility endure.

So in closing, as we continue to focus on “How’s the Family?” we invite you to pause and reflect on that question, especially as it relates to expanding your capacity to hold both loss and love as you honor the ongoing symphony of permanence and change in your life.

This column and podcast are offerings of the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, www.wellnesscompass.org. It is written by two licensed marriage and family therapists, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs, who are partners in life and work.

On our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we expand on the column's topic each week. Listen at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app.

10/02/2026

Mental Health: Name It. Claim It. Reframe It.

October is Mental Health Awareness Month, a good time to reflect on how we think and talk about mental health in ourselves, our families, and our communities. As marriage and family therapists, we would like to offer a simple three-part way to honor this month: name it, claim it, and reframe it.

Name It

Naming mental health challenges is an essential step toward removing the stigma that still surrounds them. Too often, we describe a struggling person by their behavior rather than by what they are going through. We say, "He's just so negative these days," or "She's been really irritable lately."

Consider how differently we talk about physical health. If someone were short-tempered because of chronic back pain or excruciating migraines, we would naturally say, “She's dealing with migraines, and it's been causing a lot of irritability." We name the condition, and naming it brings understanding and compassion, both to the person and to their relationships.

We hope to become just as comfortable naming mental health challenges as we are naming physical ones. Instead of "He's so negative," we can learn to say, "He's struggling with depression right now." We can say the same about ourselves, “I've been dealing with some anxiety lately."

Naming it also does something important: it separates the person from the challenge. There is a world of difference between saying, "My brother is a depressed person" and "My brother is dealing with depression." The first defines him. The second describes something he is going through, whether a current struggle or a long-standing one. Whether it is Mom, Dad, a sibling, a partner, or ourselves, every person is far more than their mental health challenges.

Claim It

Once we have named what is going on, the next step is to claim it. Claiming has several dimensions.

First, claiming means taking responsibility. When our own mental health is low or ebbing, we can own that without shame. It might sound like, "I know I'm not showing up the way I usually do. It's not that something is wrong between us. I'm dealing with something right now." That kind of honesty helps the people around us understand what is happening, rather than guessing, or worse, assuming they are the cause.

Second, claiming means owning our story. If we or members of our family have a history of mental health challenges, that history is part of our lived experience, just as a history of physical illness or financial hardship would be. It is part of our story, but never our whole story.

Third, claiming means reclaiming our agency. We rarely get to choose whether we, or someone we love, will face mental health challenges. But we can always choose how we respond to them. For example, we can decide to share it with another or keep it to ourselves.

Finally, claiming mental health means making it a priority. When we claim our mental health as something worth caring for, we commit to tending it proactively, rather than waiting for a crisis.

Reframe It

Mental health is often talked about as a purely individual issue. In our work, we think systemically, and we know there is a reciprocal relationship between our mental health and our relationships.

A person's mental health affects their family, their extended family, and the wider network of relationships they are part of. In turn, what is happening in that family and network of relationships affects the mental health of each person in it.

We often use the image of a mobile to describe this. Every piece of a mobile is connected to every other piece. Move one, and all the others move too. And when the whole mobile is in motion, each individual piece is affected.

This reframe widens our lens. Mental health challenges are both individual and systemic. Neither is more important than the other; they are interconnected. So when we seek help or work to address a mental health challenge, we want to include that family systems perspective, paying attention not only to the person, but to the relationships that surround them as well.

Honoring Mental Health Awareness Month

This October, let's honor Mental Health Awareness Month by naming it, claiming it, and reframing it. When we do, not only does our own well-being benefit, but so do all of our relationships: our friends, our families, and the wider circle of people whose lives are connected to ours.

We extend our gratitude to all who shared responses to our question last time of “How’s the Family?” Thank you for sharing the joys and challenges in your extended family.

We welcome your feedback as well as your questions. If there is a particular question you have about family relationships that you would like us to address in a future column, please email it to us. (You can simply reply to this email, or you can email Holly at [email protected] or Scott at [email protected].)

If we share your question and our response to it, we will guarantee your anonymity and make sure that no personally identifying details are shared. There's a good chance that if you have a question about something happening in your family, many other readers of our column and listeners to our podcast have a very similar question.

This column and podcast are offerings of the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, www.wellnesscompass.org. It is written by two licensed marriage and family therapists, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs, who are partners in life and work.

On our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we expand on the column's topic each week. Listen at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app. See less

09/18/2026

How’s the Family?-Back to School and Lifelong Learning

It’s back to school time, which for us means it's time to start a new season of our Wellness Compass Column and Wellness Compass Podcast. This school year, we will focus on family wellness, in a season we're calling "How's the Family?" We're calling it that because this is a question so commonly asked when any of us gather with friends and family. We want to know how Aunt Laura is doing, or how the grandkids are doing, or how someone's parents are doing, or countless other family members and relationships are doing. We ask this question because we all know that our family relationships are key to our overall wellbeing. In fact, there are few things that impact our wellbeing more than the state of our family relationships.

Together we will celebrate the joys and reflect deeply and honestly on the challenges of family wellness throughout all the stages of life. We will not just be focusing on families who have kids in the home, as one might expect. Instead, we will focus on all stages of family life and relationships and how they change over time. So no matter your age or stage in life, there will be something in each column and podcast episode that will be relevant to you.

The two of us know much about the importance of family for two reasons. First of all, we are both marriage and family therapists, and in our four decades of work we have had the honor and privilege to talk deeply with individuals, couples, and families about their deepest longings and their deepest difficulties on a regular basis. Second, and more importantly, our family relationships are the top priority in our lives, and we know firsthand the joys and challenges, as well as the lifelong learning opportunities, that family relationships provide.

Speaking of lifelong learning… kids went back to school this month. The goal of every student is to someday graduate—whether that's from grade school, middle school, high school, or beyond. There is, however, one school from which we never graduate, and that is the school of our families. Things change over our lifetime, of course, but in the school of family, we are all lifelong learners.

As lifelong learners in the school of family life, we sometimes are the ones sitting in the teacher's chair, and other times we are sitting in the student's chair. In fact, when we work with a family that is in conflict, we simply reframe it for them as a learning opportunity. We say something like, "You are clearly facing a challenge you have never faced before, and so it's not surprising that you feel stuck and frustrated. The key is not to stay there, but to commit to the necessary learning and growth it will take to solve this problem."

When we were in the thick of the parenting years with our three children, we often said to friends, "Some days we feel like we are raising our children, and other days, we feel like they are raising us." We were growing and learning right along with them. Maintaining a humble and open attitude to growth is key to healthy relationships. We never finish—we never graduate—growing and learning in the school of family.

We will close by asking you the question that is the title of our season this year: How's the Family? And more specifically, in the "school" of your family relationships, what learning opportunities are being presented right now? In what ways are you serving as a teacher, and in what ways are you learning as a student?

We welcome your feedback as well as your questions. If there is a particular question you have about family relationships that you would like us to address in a future column, please email it to us. (You can simply reply to this email, or you can email Holly at [email protected] or Scott at [email protected].)

If we share your question and our response to it, we will guarantee your anonymity and make sure that no personally identifying details are shared. There's a good chance that if you have a question about something happening in your family, many other readers of our column and listeners to our podcast have a very similar question.

Our column and podcast will appear every other week through next Memorial Day.

This column and podcast are offerings of the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, www.wellnesscompass.org. It is written by two licensed marriage and family therapists, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs, who are partners in life and work.
On our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we expand on the column's topic each week. Listen at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app.

08/20/2026

Exciting News from Wellness Compass — and a Question for You!

Our Wellness Compass podcast and weekly column will return for a fourth season this fall. We're going to narrow the focus of our podcast and column to reflect a new emphasis: supporting family relationships across the lifespan. Here are two names we're considering — which do you think would make the better title, and why?

1. "Talking Families"
2. "How's the Family?"

As licensed marriage and family therapists and systemic thinkers, we want to bring you directly into our world of thinking and talking about families and all kinds of family relationships.

Our upcoming episodes will draw heavily on what we've learned from working directly with individuals, couples, parents, and families — sharing unique insights into how relationships and family systems truly function, heal, and grow. Just as in our counseling work, we'll focus on families of every kind and every stage of life. We know that few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships, so we're excited to take what we've learned in our therapy practices and make it more widely available to everyone. We'll also have guest marriage and family therapists on the show.

Please let us know which name you prefer, and why, in the comments. Thank you so much for taking a few moments to respond. Your input means the world to us, and we can't wait to share this next chapter with you soon!

05/22/2026

This Precious Summer

In honor of this being our last column of the season — we will be taking the summer off to rest and renew — we would like to share one of our favorite poems with you. We hope this will inspire you as it has us.

If you prefer to listen to this poem read by the author herself, you can do so here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_bxj_1UR58

"The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean — the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down
— who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall down into the grass,
how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed,
how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

We find the specificity of Mary Oliver's attention to this grasshopper inspiring. It seems to us an invitation to ask, “what will we pay attention to this summer?”

Specifically, how will we pay attention to the moments when we are working in the garden, the sunsets we will see, the smell of flowers we will breathe in, the taste of fresh produce from our farmers markets, the beauty of starlit skies, a possible round of golf on a warm sunny day, the moments when we get to chase fireflies with children or play with them in the swimming pool, watching children running freely through the sprinkler, a marshmallow toasted over a campfire, or the walks we will enjoy on a summer evening?

The ample pleasures of summer invite us to pay attention, to fall down into the grass, to be idle and blessed, and to stroll through the fields.

If the question Mary Oliver ends her poem with seems too immense, perhaps we can whittle it down to this:

What is it you plan to do with this wild and precious summer?

Best to you during the magical time of summer. May you enjoy its splendors. And we will see you again right after Labor Day.

Warmly, Holly and Scott Stoner

This column and podcast are offerings of the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, www.wellnesscompass.org. It is written by two licensed marriage and family therapists, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs, who are partners in life and work.

On our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we expand on the column's topic each week. Listen at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app. See less

05/08/2026

Take Me Out to the Slow Game

“Baseball is too slow for me—I prefer sports like basketball with its constant action and scoring” is a comment we overheard at our grandson’s Little League game this week. Because it wasn’t said directly to us, we didn’t have the opportunity to respond with all the ways we love the slow pace of baseball. We’d like to share those with you now, and because this is a wellness column, we can’t resist the opportunity to reflect on what the slowness of baseball has to teach us.

First on the list would have probably been that we love the game just because it is slow. Even with the advent of the pitch clock and a few other changes to speed up the game for our impatient culture, the game still has a refreshing pace that allows you to savor each pitch, each at bat, and each play in the field. The pace allows you to pause long enough to wonder, “Should they bring the infield in?” or “Is this a good time to hit and run?” or “Should the outfield be playing this batter to pull?” or “The pitcher has thrown three consecutive four-seam fastballs—so is it time to throw a circle change?”

The opinion that baseball is too slow has been voiced more frequently over the last few decades. Perhaps a different way to frame that perception is that life by contrast has increasingly sped up and maybe even become too fast.

Baseball is a celebration of slowness. It resonates with the slow food movement and the increased interest in slow travel. Within medicine there is even a new movement called slow medicine, which is pushing back on the limitations of the five to seven minute office visits.

Speaking of medicine, Scott tried something very counter-cultural (and counter-intuitive for him) this week. He had a doctor’s appointment and his doctor was running late so he had a half hour to himself in the waiting room. Because he was thinking about this concept of patience and slowing down, he resisted getting his phone out and checking the news or his email or …. last night’s box scores. He sat for a full thirty minutes without reaching for his phone. He took some deep breaths and practiced some mindfulness meditation. When he returned home he was embarrassed to report that this was not easy for him to do. Like the woman we overheard at our grandson’s baseball game, he, too, sometimes craves action and stimulation.

Life has its own series of waiting rooms. Waiting for clarity on a difficult issue. Waiting for a loved one to find their way. Waiting for healing. Waiting for peace. We long for progress and some kind of action that will bring quick resolution. When we can’t just scroll ahead we are invited to enter into the wisdom of slowness and the practice of patience.

Three thousand years ago the author of the book of Ecclesiastes gave us this hopeful wisdom, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”

May we find the grace to trust the season we are in and to patiently embrace the waiting and unfolding, even when we wish things would move a little faster.

And may we watch a few games of baseball to remind us of the benefits of slowing down.
This column and podcast are offerings of the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, www.wellnesscompass.org. It is written by two licensed marriage and family therapists, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs, who are partners in life and work.

On our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we expand on the column's topic each week. Listen at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app.

04/24/2026

Sharing Awe: What 19,000 Likes Can Teach Us About Supporting One Another's Mental Health
Something unexpected happened after we published our last Wellness Compass column about the Artemis II mission. Nearly 7,000 people shared it, and almost 19,000 offered a "like." We weren't expecting that. We've been sitting with it ever since, asking: what does that response tell us?

We think it's data. Specifically, it's data about how hungry we are — as individuals, as a culture — for good news. For wonder. For awe. For something that lifts our eyes above the noise. And it turns out our hunches are well supported by recent research on awe.

Dr. Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at UC Berkeley and founding director of the Greater Good Science Center, has spent decades studying the emotion of awe. He explores these findings in his 2023 book, Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. He defines awe simply as "the feeling of being in the presence of something vast that transcends your current understanding of the world." His research shows that awe isn't just a pleasant feeling — it's a powerful force for mental and physical health.

Artemis II gave millions of people an experience of awe and wonder. Four astronauts flew farther from Earth than any humans had before. They looked back at our planet — this fragile, luminous sphere — and reported a sense of unity, of smallness, of profound beauty. And through the miracle of live coverage, they took us all along for the journey.

Keltner also writes that "tears arise when we perceive vast things that unite us into community.” That was certainly our experience. The shares and likes of our column weren't just people saying they enjoyed an article. They were people passing along a feeling—offering their friends and family a gift, a witness to awe. Experiences of awe and wonder long to be shared and when we do we strengthen our connections with others.

This matters for mental health in a very practical way. Most of us can't fly to the moon. But Keltner's research makes clear that awe is not reserved for astronauts or mountaintops. It is present in daily life, in the sighting of the first spring robin, a kind gesture, a powerful line in a book, a moment of prayer or stillness. It lives in music, in nature, in witnessing acts of moral courage.

Keltner identifies eight distinct wonders of life that can open us to awe:

Moral Beauty: Witnessing others' kindness, acts of courage, overcoming obstacles, and rare talents inspires awe.

Collective Effervescence: Moving in unison stirs the human waves of awe felt within ritual, sport, dance, religion, and public life.

Nature: Immersion in nature and its divinely "wild awe" become spiritual and heals bodies and minds.

Music: Musical awe embraces us as participants and promotes its shared experience and a sense of community.

Visual Design: Visual design and "sacred geometries" help us understand the wonders of life.

Spirituality and Religion: Our spiritual life and religious beliefs—"the fundamental it"—grow out of mystical awe.

Life and Death: Awe helps us understand the cycle of life and death, from childbirth to bearing witness to, yet not knowing what is dying.

Epiphany: Awe allows us to recognize we are part of systems larger than the self: interrelated elements working to achieve a purpose.

The list is both surprising and reassuring — most of these are available to us every single day. Even a few deliberate minutes outdoors, or pausing to notice something beautiful, can be enough to shift our nervous system.

The response to the Artemis column reminded us that people are not, at their core, drawn only to outrage and despair. We are also drawn — powerfully drawn — toward wonder, toward beauty, toward one another. That impulse, the science now confirms, is one of the most life-giving forces we have. Let's keep seeking it and sharing it.

This column and podcast are offerings of the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, www.wellnesscompass.org. It is written by two licensed marriage and family therapists, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, LMFTs, who are partners in life and work.

On our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we expand on the column's topic each week. Listen at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or by searching for “Wellness Compass” in your favorite podcast app.

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