26/09/2022
As early as I can remember I had a dream, a desire, and a need - to be loved, cared for, and protected. Life has thrown its hardships of broken promises, lies, death, and despair at me. Leaving me empty and torn. I have been in total darkness, with no end in sight. Wishing death upon myself. In choked desolation. Hearing about “hope”, listening to “good advice”, and trying to grasp the idea of “feeling truly worthy” of those faraway dreams, desires, and needs.
Becoming a mother has blessed me with the wholeness only a child can bring. Being a teacher has blessed me to comfort little broken hearts and curious minds. Giving others advice and guidance with which I have received has blessed me to be a voice of hope, even though I yearn to experience that complete security myself. Dealing with feeling too much and forcing it down to not feel that extreme pain that haunts me.
Being a child of God has blessed me with the understanding that all of this is only a glimpse, a moment in eternity, and that I am completely loved, cared for, and protected by Him that created me. When I find myself in darkness, in small spaces where I can not breathe, I see the light and reach out to the Holy Spirit. Life is full of lies - no one is going to save me, because I have been saved. I need to walk this truth, live by it, and remind myself at times like these. I will be ok, I am light, I am whole. Lay my heavy heart at the feet of God and rest in His hands. My journey on earth has its ups and downs and I might falter - but I do know that God stays the same, forever love, forever strength, forever there, never to neglect or isolate or abandon (A reminder to myself). Amen
[Painting by Yongsung Kim]
