08/28/2025
My daughter started "Kindy" this week, and she won't be a squishy little sentient gnocchi ever again. No matter how many photos I stare at, no matter how many little babes I get to meet and hold and wonder at. The daycare that had a profound impact on our family isn't our daily place any more. and it won't be again.
Madeline would have loved this stage, would have been amazing at it, and she's not here. and I miss her every single day, i meet that hurt over and over and over again. And, she's never, ever, ever coming back. No matter how much missing I feel in my bones.
These are just facts.
Another fact, is that I YEARN with girlhood ferocity, with certainty, with longing, and with jealously, for material things that I cannot have. Like - a new car that doesn't smell like stale ci******es from a previous owner, that I can plug in and charge and not refill with gas constantly. Like rose gold and diamonds. Like a fu***ng labubu.
I feel the desperation of recognizable grief - that of glioblastoma, that of secondary infertility - and the fog of the more amorphous kind. what is it, exactly, that is the opposite of anticipatory? a physique or features not my own, abilities not mine for the taking, status and capital that are phantoms, whether never-mores or never-will-bes.
aparigraha is a practice i can reach for and turn towards, always. reminding me i can interrupt the cycle of jealous want, and i can unhook from over-consumption.
How can i admire without needing to acquire?
how can i practice yoga off the mat, and work to stay in the present, not fixated on what i once had, or what i wish i did.
is this a vision board, or a warning? can it be both? to practice admiration > acquisition.
