04/01/2021
I donāt really know where to start.
First of all Thank for the messages, calls, comments, gifts ect.. I am truly humbled by your outpouring of love & support.
As Kyle said, it has been a rough, very rough few years. So much heart ache, pain, hurt. But what has stood out more was the LOVE. the LOVE I have always had for him. Iām not gonna lie and say it was easy, but I can say is this, there is nothing that we canāt get through with Gods grace.
There were many moments that I wanted to give up. Times I felt so alone, isolated, embarrassed, worthless, unloved, INVISIBLE to the world. The problem was I hadnāt felt truly connected. Cared for or loved. I knew he loved me, but couldnāt accept my love since he didnāt love himself. The more I tried the more hurt I felt. Not to mention, I became so drained, I couldnāt even LOVE myself. My tank had become empty. I became someone I didnāt know. I lost my zest for life...
I finally hit a wall & refused to live in that place so I reached out for help. Not for him - trust me, I knew that he had to do that for himself, so I got my own help in the form of SAGE - a retreat for spouses of First Responders. A group that understood the life we live. Always in the shadows of our heroās, 2nd in line to work, mom & dad, life manager, mom-Ager, boss lady, carpool, housekeeper, the list goes on. Then add the emotional part of it. Stress! Non stop worry - Will my husband make it home. Heās home but why isnāt he here?
Over the last 5 years - about 2 of that was the ugly side, the last 2.5 was the dark side - sober but still not present. All to get to the last few months! My going to SAGE initiated the spark in him to get the help he needed, we needed. I have seen more growth in him, us, life in the last 2 months then I could have imagined. SIMPLE and SAW has given my husband back to me. That is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.
So when I celebrate his sobriety, I am celebrating the battle we have fought along the way. I am celebrating the strength that got us through each day. The courage it took to push through the hard times and the wisdom to lean on God!
Thank you to everyone that has supported me in my dark times, and Kyle in his. Thank you for loving us through it all. Thank you Kyle for being my Rock. My Person, the love of my life! For fighting this fight. But most of all thank you to the man upstairs that showed us the way!
If you can relate to any of this, you are not alone. Reach out. No one should ever feel Invisible or alone, you have people! You have US! Let us be there for you! You got this!!! We got you! It might get ugly, enjoy the mess, the beauty will still shine if you let it!
PS - In the last 890 days, I think I have had 3 drinks! š¤Ŗ Alcohol has never been my thing!
