After the passing of my parents, my brother, my companion animal, followed by the loss of a new investment/endeavor in which I poured my heart and soul and all my savings, which was doubly painful because it was accompanied with betrayal by someone I trusted, loved and treated with the utmost respect, I completely lost myself. It felt like my life was shutting down b'cuz everything I loved went aw
ay. I'd sleep only when I became so exhausted I couldn't stay awake any longer, and upon waking I was always surprised that LIFE hadn't taken me while I slept. Many times I woke up already crying, not able to catch my breath until I sat up and focused on something in the room...just anything to serve as a tether to the Earth. I felt completely emptied out. It took a few years of real concerted effort to cultivate a discipline of deliberate thinking to turn it all around. I knew that I had to find something to be grateful for and I had to awaken in myself a desire to contribute something or I would be lost forever. At first, all I could come up with was my gratitude for hot and cold running water in the space in which I was living. Every morning, when I would shower, I would stand under the water and through deep sobs, say thank you over and over and over. Eventually, I remembered the only thing that could make me laugh or smile or be hopeful when my mother was dying was when I would take pictures, so I picked up my camera and began to go on walks. During these times, Spirit had the opening to speak to me in the most extraordinary, subtle ways. I was in awe of what I was seeing in everything that others would think damaged. All around me I began to see worlds of breathtaking beauty in scratches, scrapes, dents, and smudges, in rust and decay and things tossed aside. I did my best to capture what I saw and a growing desire to share it was born in me. This was the beginning of my re-awakening, but it didn't happen overnight. In order to shift my mind so that I could embrace a new experience, I had to exercise a discipline, which was very arduous at first, of looking at what my life had given me and stop looking at what I had lost. Thankfully, I held to it and I was able to emerge from this chrysalis state with a powerful intention to live as an artist. To honor the artist I am and not dismiss him as impractical any longer. I am so much in appreciation for all that I had read and studied in the many different spiritual traditions throughout my search to 'find myself' in my 20's because it all came back to serve me in the most gracious, loving way. I feel there must be an audience for the work produced through me, for I am so driven to it. It is the purest expression of the love I am and the joy I feel for my life's process. The most valuable thing I've learned is that all of life, no matter how circumstances may appear in the moment, is meant to be a loving tutorial of my greatest Self, leading me to an alignment of the two aspects of my nature - the self with the Self. There is nothing that I cannot overcome. Pain and joy are but different sides of the same coin, for to the degree that I allow myself to feel pain, I expand in my capacity to feel joy. It is all about my willingness to feel. There is nothing going on anywhere, but our Being and Becoming. This is our Eternal Nature and the process never ends.
