Fake Quotes

02/24/2026

Interview with a die-hard Republican:

Thank you for joining us, Nancy.

Nancy: It's great to be here, thanks for having me.

Let's jump right to it. You've been a Republican for 20 years now. Your loyalty is unwavering.

Nancy: Yes, there's not much in life that I care about more than this.

Okay, can you give me an example of how far you might go to defend your support for Trump.

Nancy: Yes, every Republican candidate is like a god to me. My brother and I were very close to each other for most of my life. He actually saved my life one time, another story for another day. He was the best brother in the world, I wouldn't be alive without him. But during the last election, he made a Facebook post talking trash about Donald Trump. So I unfriended him, blocked him, and we haven't talked for 5 years. He's cut off forever, you just don't take it there. That's where I draw the line.

Interesting....okay, so would it bother you if they drag us through endless wars?

Nancy: Not my problem. We don't really have any military members in my family. They all go to college and get a good job. Except for my nephew Johnny. He had a chance to go to college, but he got into some trouble and ended up in the Army. They can have him, he should have made better choices.

Wow, okay....so are you concerned about corruption in politics?

Nancy: Not at all, nobody has more integrity than Trump. He reminds me of Jesus. Honestly, he deserves billions of dollars because he's such a great man. If anyone should have it, it should be him. The world can be his if he wants it.

I see...how are you holding up with paying your bills these days?

Nancy: Oh, my house is paid off. My husband paid it off, he's the one that works. I haven't had to work much. I don't even know what it feels like to work and pay a bill with my own money.

Oh nice...so you think the economy is fine then?

Nancy: It is for me. I did everything right in life. You should have done what was necessary to put yourself in a better position. Don't be mad at me because I made all of the perfect choices in life.

Got it, okay. So how do you feel about these Epstein files? You think it's okay to hang out and befriend someone like Jeffrey Epstein?

Nancy: Where's the evidence? Where's the arrest? Innocent until proven guilty.

What about some of the allegations out there by the teenage girls?

Nancy: They're lying. My president would never do that. They're all jealous and looking for a payday.

Would it bother you if the allegations were true?

Nancy: Probably not, I'd donate my own daughter if I could.

Damn. You don't see how that might sound crazy?

Nancy: (Takes off her microphone)
How dare you, I'm done with this interview! (Points finger at me aggressively) Look, all you need to know is that I love that man! And there's nothing that's going to stop me! (Storms off)

There you have it folks. There's absolutely nothing that will change her mind. Thank you for tuning into pas-sports news; where we're not afraid to ask the big questions, and have a good evening.

12/02/2025

"I want to be the first white man that identifies as a black man to win the National Championship as a Head Coach."

We think Penn State's response might have been, "Since you identify as a black coach, we're going to fire your black a$$ to give you the full experience."

11/04/2025

"You know, I was the prize in the relationship. When we first got together, I was stronger than him physically, I was more masculine, and I was more ambitious. He told me he was going to be a High School basketball coach. I was expecting him to work a 9-5 and then come home to take care of the kids so that I could pursue my career. When he decided to go to the NBA, he ruined my life. It's crazy that he's the one that's famous, because I'm the one with the real talent. He obviously took advantage of me in a society that perpetually encourages toxic masculinity. Nobody even tries to holla at me in the streets. When I go out, nobody says, 'Damn momma, look at that a$$.' I don't get any attention and he gets all of the attention. I'm a victim."

10/30/2025

"These dudes really envy me. Everyone is jealous of my success and good looks. I'm 6'10, athletic, I'm rich as hell, I can get any girl I want. Y'all can't do that. I don't care what these peasants say, I've made over $200M in my career while y'all are still pinching pennies. The league is colluding against me, I'm getting black-balled, that's why I'm still a free agent. All of the offers have been disrespectful, I'm not playing for the veteran minimum. Do you know who I am? Teams are asking me if I think I can play more than 30 games. Like, how dare you question my integrity. I proved my worth already. I'm going to sue the league for the amount of the max contract, because that's what I'm worth. I know my value. And like my ex-teams, they'll have to pay me for not playing."

10/22/2025

"The Raiders cashed me out and I didn't cash back."

10/22/2025

"Of course we're 0-7, what do you expect when your Quarterback plays like trash? I paid him 40 million dollars, and let's just say, I haven't seen a return on my money. I should have known better when Mike Tomlin was desperate for a quarterback and still didn't have hope in this guy. Now I know why. He's a damn good running back, but we need someone that can actually throw the ball. It's hard to do that when your Quarterback has a low football IQ. We have to do better in our scouting process, I wasted 40 million dollars for a guy that's clueless out there on the field."

10/22/2025

"You know what, dude, it freakin' sucks. My family and I celebrated when I was drafted in the 3rd round to be the franchise quarterback. Then, the very next day, they go and draft this guy in the 5th round. Ruined my whole life, now he's just breathing down my neck everyday. His dad comes in the locker room, they're all cocky and confident, and everyone just daps him up and shows him respect. Everyone likes him more than me, it's not fair. I'm fighting for my life right now." 😥

07/20/2025

The WNBA has fined every player in the all-star game $50,000 for wearing 'Pay Us What You Owe Us' shirts.

We asked the league for a statement:

"The level of disrespect from these female players. They haven't turned a profit in 30 years. We gave them chartered flights that we couldn't afford. Caitlin is the only one bringing in money. They use the stage and platform that we provided to them to speak out against us? They bite the hand that feeds them. Like most women, they did a little bit of the work and now they want to divorce us and take half. Half of what? Nobody even watched us until Caitlin Clark came along. If anything, we'll give her more money, but those other girls can shove it. They're the side chicks and she's the main attraction. We're going to use this money from these fines to help us get out of the debt that we're in."

07/15/2025

LeBron James had some big words. We put ourselves in his shoes, and this is what we determined that he feels.

02/26/2025