11/05/2020
Here is some non-election news to help cleanse your timeline courtesy of our club’s elder statesman, Doug ‘Moonlight’ Otlewski. He wrote a colorful recap of our annual ‘Chili Open’ golf outing last month:
The Royal and Ancient Golf Club at Sylvan Glen once again played host to the fourteenth annual
Granger Chili Open, featuring perhaps the strongest field in tournament history. Twenty golfers,
gamblers and assorted hangers-on, with handicaps ranging from mediocre to hazardous, met
on another perfect fall day to crown this year‘s Champion linksters.
In an effort to break his losing streak, Tumbleweed had recruited a couple of teenaged bombers
(allegedly his nephews), who ousted the defending champions, Moonlight and Chooch.
Meanwhile, the perennial champs were a model of decorum, having lashed the trophy to their
cart for those who had never seen it, blasting Greatest Hits of the Doors at every tee box.
The final results, as tabulated by ex post facto Commissioner Frenchy LaFrance, were as
follows:
First place- Tumbleweed’s teenagers, 7 under par
Second place- Straub’s bridesmaids, 5 under par
Third place- Moonlight and Chooch, Inc., 4 under par
Fourth place- Bluegrass, Ltd., 1 under par
Fifth place- Hawkeye’s hackers, 5 over par
Notable by his absence was Cueball and the family Johnson, who were at home rehearsing for
the annual Attica rhythmic gymnastics Jump-off.
With 80% of the winners’ shots coming from two players who can neither shave nor drive a car,
Tumbleweed can now shake the label of best player never to win a major. The score turned in
by Bluegrass remains under investigation following reports of his awarding his team a “gimmie”
on any putt inside a six-foot radius.
In other related news, the coveted Granger of the Year Trophy was presented by Steve “Steam
Engine” Sebert to Don “Scrap Iron “Kowalski, who also wins the award for most modest
Granger of this year, or any year. During the ceremony, Kowalski said the following about our fearless first baseman:
"D is for defense, this year’s GOY did just that, exhibiting his great hands catching balls thrown to him and hit to him.
O is for offense, this year’s GOY did just that, hitting well most of the season, much better than he has ever hit.
N is for playing Numerous games, this year’s GOY did just that, played in all of the games as a matter of fact.
I can't spell it out any clearer, Congratulations to Don ‘Scrap Iron’ Kowalski, the 2020 Granger of the Year!
It was a pleasure playing with everyone this year, I'm thankful we managed something normal in our lives this year.”
