12/08/2018
Transparency Post! My confession
For the one that have the ear to listen let him hear it with clarity and understanding 🙏🏾
Just a little love for thyself!!
Hasn’t always been this way but because I know better, I feel better.
I was the most confident person you could know. But inside I was broken. I smiled through pain I would not admit I had. I smiled so much I forgot why I was smiling. it was routine for me to the point my smiles had a frown. I was numb, numb to disappointment, numb to hearing “No”, numb of pain, and numb to faith.
Years pass and I began to heal by learning to love from the inside, love me more but I was still missing something. Never told my story even though many think they know. I was Always pleasant and kind to others but hating me from the inside but loving me on the outside. Crazy right? My confidence exuded in my actions but in the inside I was weak.
I learned to adjust to my situation but never healed through my situation. I became so numb, I mistaken it as peace! I was so numb I couldn’t cry and for 15 years I didn’t cry. For what, I would say. I was dead in the inside but no one would never know. “You got yourself together” they would say. And because of those words I thought I had to live by it. I didn’t think I had a story to tell. I felt my story, no one would hear it or want to hear because my testimony wasn’t me coming of a violent situation, didn’t grow up a victim of abuse, I grew up in a two parent home and lived a middle-class life. Don’t remember having to struggle, never missed a meal, wasn’t bullied, pretty well like amongst my peers. Blessed right? so I concealed my pain (disappointments). Silly of me to think that right, but that was my understanding. So even As I write this now, my heart pounding, tears flowing because i still question if this is for me tell (Dont want the attention, I run from it) didn’t like the spot light, so i hid, even from my gifts. I now know I do have a story to tell and God will not allow me to sleep until I tell it.
At age 21 I was diagnosed with endometriosis, went through a total of eight different surgeries to remove it from my womb. This disease, I thought ruined my life because I was told I would probably never be able to conceive. I heard that same, same old report every night before closing my eyes. 22 years later, same report!! Never bitter, but I was angry, no one to talk to, no one to share my pain with and I truly felt alone. My weight fluctuated, I was unbalanced and although i had my step-children and my SharBear, and now Lolo-bear It wasn’t the same. Still no one to understand the pain. However, God showed me how he will fill those voids and I am still healing, not depressed but questionable. 43 now and The year is coming to an end and I declare I will love me in spite of my inabilities. I’ve learned, if you can’t personally change the situation, don’t stress over it or become it but have a great faith in the possible. Today, I am free and today I confess healing over my mind, and my body!
To the one sole or soles, God got me up writing this post for you to see. I say to you, love you in spite of your situation. God is making provisions for you right now. You will not have a story like mine’s or a story like your neighbor but you do have story. A story of faith, endurance and prosperity. Stop comparing your situation to your neighbor’s and start comparing you to only your highest self!!
Because of you, I was given the strength and wrote this to deliver you. Embarrassed to tell my truth but hamilty got me through it. Always been a private person so, thank you. Be blessed and patiently wait on the lord!!
I love you and thank you for arresting me in the spirit!! still smiling through my pain but not dwelling in the pain ⚠️💛💛🖤💛
