07/27/2026
Journal entries from Turkey 🇹🇷🖊️
I spent most of my 20s convinced there was nothing other than the physical..
So in my first Ayahuasca ceremony my intention was kind of arrogant / defying: “Prove to me there’s more than this (5-sense reality)”
And oh boy, did she prove it!..
Hours later I was begging her to pull back the veil and not show me any more.
I then spent close to a decade as a “devoted medicine man”
Trying to be a “good husband” a “good leader” and a “good servant” of life.
By trying to suppress all I thought was wrong with me:
🥵My humanity.
I went celibate (even though I’d have crazy fantasies all the time)
I renounced most foods (ate one vegan meal a day for a long time, yet would have dessert compulsions)
I stopped being social (since life was all about service, and over relied on my family instead)
I became someone without needs, desires or wants of my own..
Other than being (performing) a good man for my ex wife, clients and the world
Until I found out that what we demonize, turns into a demon 👺
And mine grew big in the shadows
Until they all came out!
The anger I suppressed,
The lust I pretended not to feel,
The fear I acted as if I did not have
As well as the joy I’d forgotten,
The passion for life I had shamed
The curiosity and play I thought were childish
I realized I was trying to be holy,
and forgot to be whole
I was looking for validation when I was the party kid just as much as I was when I was a shaman’s apprentice
Trying to prove my worth to girls in my 20s,
or to spiritual seekers and my followers in my 30s
This past year I started to return home
Loving my humanity
Dancing again
Laughing out loud
To no longer caring to be seen as some sort of “guru” and instead, relating once again from what makes me human
I dream, I love, I cry
I pray, I play, I dance
I have lived many deaths in this life
and have found that spirituality is the ego’s favorite mask to wear
So I now understand the teachings of the elder:
Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water..
After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.
Thank you for reading!
Be Human ♥️
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