02/06/2024
What an absolute miracle, 21 years later. It took 21 years to realize My Mommy has been with me the whole time! The whole time! I really didn’t know. She’s been in her purest, most unresistant form since February 6, 2003. I killed myself for so many years “honoring” her memory: s*x, drugs, and alcohol, any numbing I could get my hands on. Chocolate chip cookies, pound cake, and yes… tattoos. Any transference of pain I could think of. This past year however, has been one of enlightenment and freedom I never could have foreseen. I couldn’t see it, because I had to come from under “others” bu****it that I replaced with my own acceptance and intellegence. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU, YOU CANNOT THINK FOR YOURSELF!!! Yes, that defies most organizational rhetoric, I know. For me personally, that s**t almost killed me; looking for validation from others, outside of myself. And all I really wanted was answers. I am the answer. I am the answer to my grief, to my healing, to my growth, to my open-mindedness, to my being attached to nothing, I am. And what I am today is healed. The worst thing that ever happened to me in my life was the death of my mother. The absolute worst. But today, I am so in love with me. And I do not know if I would have arrived at this woman, if February 6, 2003 did not occur. I don’t know. And I am so free to end ANY and ALL relationship with persons, organizations, substances, anything that produces resistance to the real me. IDGAF!! 🤣 Wow, this cycle of life that we live. My mother and all our loved ones actually do not die; they just return. That’s it. No matter the cause of death, they just return. And one day I will return also. But while I am still here, I am going to live the life I deserve, with the people I deserve, and that deserve me. And even if sometimes that is only me lol. Mama is not even sleep, she just is. She is in her purest form, and I am so proud of her. I am proud of me too, f**k that!!! All cliches aren’t truth; you can be proud of yourself. The greatest thing that I have overcome today is my thinking. And I have been through experiences that most people don’t live through. But my thinking is my greatest accomplishment today. May I forever be a student and a learner of all the lessons life has for me…
