07/28/2020
I’ve been searching for something my entire life. I didn’t realize what I was looking for, I just knew something would help. I feel like I found it and it goes beyond having found the person, place or thing with the answer, the solution, the recipe or the course of action to take to turn my life in into a life full of self expression, joy, happiness and inner completion. For as long as I can remember I’ve lived with a profound darkness in my heart. A feeling of sadness that just...stays open, as if I’ve always been wounded. Each betrayal from another, my own or love lost and disappointment making it worse and worse. I am beyond grateful for the profound experiences and love I feel for the people in this photo. We build our trust in a very intimate way. A Way that has given me a profound, not answer but a way to look at a question that I’ve been secretly wondering to myself ever since I was 4-5yrs old . Am I a bad person and is the way that the direction my life has taken been because I am put on some sort of universal or social trial of sorts? Having giving it some years of thought and having experiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that peoples character are evident in their doing. We become apparent as we do. What I get out of Jiu Jitsu is the following: Building a strategy out of battle tested success and failure to continue fighting and being courageous enough to have a response instead of giving up, rolling over and being submitted, even if we’re being submitted. It’s the ultimate “f**k you” to that which would be violent to you. Looking out from where you currently are and seeing where you can go from there, doesn’t matter if it’s a well lit path or a dark chaotic one. so I feel and you feel and sometimes we both feel like we can’t trust each other. I feel that we shouldn’t treat that as something obvious or trivial. Something is missing. Something is going on. I feel like something I was missing was a Way to really dig deep and be courageous no matter the circumstance. I don’t know how else to say it. - Continued in second post.
