07/03/2024
In the morning, I will be half a century. I suppose I won’t wake up any wiser than I am right now. I suppose the day will break,and look like countless others that have come before. I imagine I will get lost in rays of sunshine, in champagne sips, in friends, laughter that has become the soundtrack of my memories. I’ll be lucky to feel the warmth of my daughter’s embrace- the warmth of their sweet nothings.I’ll answer the call from my mom-who will be stunned at how the years have flown by-how they sped past us so rudely- all the while leaving behind the chance for grace, forgiveness, & growth.
I’ll spend dinner staring into eyes that changed the course of my life with an excitement I still struggle to feel worthy of.
And throughout this day-this marking of the second half of my life-I know I will pause-I will squeeze my eyes shut, & pull forward the sound of my dad‘s voice. Feel his hand messing up my hair-bring his face to my minds eye, and smile with him, thanking him for staying with me, somehow, through all of these years, even if its just moments in my heart.
I’ll find a moment to be thankful. To be present. To be aware of the luck I’ve had to be able to live, to laugh, to cry & scream. To have had a new chance, every day, for 50 years.
I’ll give a quiet nod to those that have come and gone-some that stayed a while, teaching me lessons of friendship, some that were fleeting-teaching me how to lick wounds, & create boundaries. All helping me to learn who I am.
And there will be a minute, maybe in the early morning, before I’ve even seen another soul, when I’ll have a glimpse in a mirror, and wish that girl a Happy Birthday. That 10-year-old big smiled girl. That 17-year-old wild child. That 25-year-old young mother. That 40-year-old realizing it’s going too fast. I’ll tell them all Happy Birthday. I will tell them to stop worrying. I will tell them that their efforts didn’t go unnoticed-that even in their mistakes-when they waded around in self-made messes-they were also planting flowers, & indeed did help make life beautiful.
So, on this last night of the first half of my life I say Cheers to 50 years🥂Life is good as long as you don’t weaken🥂