12/15/2022
TW: Su***de......
Su***de is in the news again, another senseless loss that will have us asking questions we will never get the answers to.
I'm already seeing all of the messages of "check on your strong friends". Flashbacks to when we lost Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade...check on your strong friends, check on your funny friends, check on your friends who never ask for help...
In 2011, I attempted to take my own life--and almost succeeded. I still remember waking up in the hospital bed, having no memory of how I got there.
I haven't talked about it in years, and most of my current circle has no idea how close I once was to the abyss. How I wasn't supposed to be here today.
This picture was taken about a month after it happened. I did a great job of hiding the sea of pain underneath.
From someone who has lived through it, I beg you---don't just check on your strong friends, take what they have to say seriously.
Before my attempt, there were so many warning signs. So many conversations where I was begging for help--pleading for anyone to listen, and my pain was ignored.
People who loved me said things like:
"Choose joy!"
"Use the power of positive thinking!"
"You'll figure this out, you always do!"
"Keep going!"
All I wanted was for someone to recognize that this pain was different and scary and overwhelming, and I didn't feel like I could face it alone. And no one believed me.
If you don't know how to talk to a friend in this kind of pain, you could offer to be with them while they call a crisis line. You could offer to help them make an appointment with a mental health professional. You could just sit with them and listen, validate, hold space---really hear them & see them for where they are.
No one should ever feel like death is their only way out.
I'm honestly not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post--but just like all of the other dark s**t I overshare on the internet for thousands of strangers to read, I hope it helps someone out there feel less alone.
For anyone struggling, I'm so glad you're still here. ❤️ you.