12/07/2020
I turned 41 on Caturday! Thank you all for your birthday wishes! Birthdays have always been weird for me. (Deadbeat dad & unloving, mean mother who loves beer.) Having Finneas and seeing how much care, attention, gentleness and love has obviously had me super aware of all that I’ve missed out on. I’ve been in therapy for many years, obviously I KNOW this, I’ve felt an empty dark hole inside me just wanting be loved since early childhood. It’s a entirely different experience seeing how easy it is to love your child and want to do everything in your power to be a good parent and protect your kiddo. So, these past 5 months of raising Finneas with only Ty & Foxy has been deeply challenging on so many levels. I haven’t had the honor of having family come and help, or even our chosen family. I’ve had days where I see new moms on here post pictures with grandparents and I just sob. As Britney would say, my loneliness is killing me 😹 But you know what?! I’m doing a really fu***ng good job at raising Finneas. He is so loved. He squeals of excitement when he sees me and It makes my life feel so complete. I’m so proud of myself for doing this hard inner work and showing up every week to face my demons so I can have this experience. There are very few humans who know this journey. A common statement I get from medical and mental health professionals who know the details of my past is: I can’t believe you’ve survived all that. So, I’d like to give a special shout-out to my younger self! She always believed I’d find love and that life wasn’t what I was conditioned to believe. She never gave up on life, even when she felt worthless and unlovable. We can both grief the love we never got, it’s valid and how we can open up space for more love. Becoming a mom is hard, but becoming a mom in the middle of a global pandemic is harder. As everything else in my life has proved, this will only emphasize my Unicorn PowerZ so I can spread more magic! Grateful for for bringing home the 🥓 & keeping safe at home! Feeling SAFE at home means I’m thriving. I’ve come a long way baby! 🎂🤘🏻😆🥰 Photo cred : 😍 XO
