Blazers Hockey Club

09/06/2022

Emergency Presser. Stalwart Blazer defenseman & team sexual healer Crash Casman formally announces his long overdue retirement from beer league hockey.

Beer league hockey retirement speech

03/13/2017

BLAZERS BACK INTO DIVISION TITLE 5-5

Marlboro, MA (AP)-

Blazers tie 5-5 with Hockey Kong aka the whiniest group of crybaby millennials ever and once again America's Team is regular season champs of the Marlboro "C3" Men's League.

Down several defenseman, Pops was forced back to the blue line. That's no Bueno under normal circumstances, but when you factor in a corned beef & cabbage dinner washed down with several pints of Guiness it was no surprise the chubby Irishman had his worst night as a Blazer.

Not much more to add, Blazers are 14-5-3 with a couple more games before playoffs.

BREAKING NEWS-BLAZER IN NEW JERSEY REST STOP ALTERCATION

Following last night's postgame feast of garlic parm chicken wings and onion rings, an unidentified Blazer has been locked in the men's room somewhere on the Jersey Turnpike since 11:30 this morning. An eye witness at the scene described it as gruesome. Pictures and more details as they come in...

02/23/2017

BLAZERS OFFICIALLY "A HOT MESS"

Marlboro MA (AP)

An open letter from Coach May:

"We can count on 3 things in the month of February in Marlboro NESHL. It will be as cold as a witch's tit in and outside of the rink, all games will be after 10:20 usually 10:50pm, and the Blazers will go into our annual post Super Bowl bender/hibernation.

At 1-4-2 over the past 7 games we've been getting our asses handed to us on and off ice. The only bright spots have been Andy's fa**ot hipster beer selections and the ageless Pops scoring at a 2 points per game clip. Everyone else frankly sucks. Well everybody except for Stringbean, without him it would be even worse...All time leading scorers Dana & Eric have seen the inside of the rink exactly once since 2016. Resnick STILL doesn't know what the blue lines are there for and Phil & Rico spend more time fighting with each other than playing.

If Rico's now customary 2-3 beers instead of water on the bench antics weren't enough he's now lured stalwart defenseman Scheidy down the dark path of pre game tacos and margaritas. Tacos before hockey, are you fu***ng kidding me?!? We were hoping to pull out of this next game but we've got the Renegades for like the 3rd time in the last 5 games and they've been killing us. This team needs a warm chocolate coffee e***a ASAP."

News and notes:

Andy's Tree House Brewing Co., INC beer runs have produced a cornucopia of delicious postgame beverages. Sure he waits in line for 3 plus hours and pays upwards of $16 for a 4 pack of over priced fa**ot hipster beer but the cooler he packed 3 weeks ago is being hailed as the best postgame cooler in beer league history. He even put a few loser Coors/bud lights and mic ultras to satisfy some of the more dainty Blazer palates. And last weeks "Virgin Sunshine T**s IPA" was off the charts good. Pictures below.

Rico & Crash got into a well publicized bar brawl last weekend. The 45 year old married fathers decided to hit some of their old collage hangouts at Quinnipiac University. As obnoxiously creepy as that sounds, it got even worse after 20 something beers, a dump truck full of hot wings and a couple pitchers of Irish car bombs. Crash apparently mistook Rico for a dumb overweight coed and began inappropriately fondling Rico's man b***s. A brawl ensued and both were tossed from the bar. They made up later in their shared motel room but that's a story for another time. Fight Picture below...

This just in: The new Zamboni driver at New England Sports Center is historically bad. Last week he missed the entire middle section of the ice an just gave up and drove off. Even Dylan after a day of b**g hits & opioids did a better job.

On a happier note, Pops has been a breath of fresh air in the smelly locker room, scoring and dishing out assists at an amazing pace for someone in his 23rd year of men's league hockey. Pops credits his resurgence for "not giving any more f***s about back checking and/or defense". Well done sir!

02/03/2017

Reason #425 Coach May runs the tightest ship in beer league hockey: Passive/aggressive emails...

The next game is against Milford Fire.

The game happens on February 6th at 10:10 pm

Let me know if you are in or out.

I've been told I haven't included enough clarifying information in my emails.

To clarify:
February 6th is a Monday.

10:10pm is also known as 22:10 in military time.

Generally you should arrive at the rink 15 min before game time. That would be at 9:55pm or 21:55.

For reference, we play 2 15 min running time periods. The last 2 min of this periods is stop time. We then play them 1 12 period with stop time.

For those that don't understand running time and stop time and/or generally just can't tell time....
Running time means that when the referee blows the whistle, the time on the clock continues to run.
Stop time means that when the referee blows the whistle, the clock stops.

For those of you who don't understand what a referee is, there are 2 idiots on the ice with black and white striped shirts. Sometimes they are drunk or chewing to***co and generally don't pay attention. Periodically when they are woken up from their sleep walk, they might blow the whistle for an infraction such as a penalty, offsides, or icing.

For those that don't understand what a penalty is, please talk to Phil Casman and he can help demonstrate.

For those that don't understand offsides, please speak with Rob Resnick.

And most importantly. Andy is on beer which should excite the IPA hipster crowd!

Sent from Yahoo Mail

Sign of the week, an oldie from the Chowder Cup:

01/31/2017

Mid season Slump Continues, Coach May on Hot Seat?

Marlboro, MA (AP)

A 1-2-2 mark in their last 5 games with the 2 ties coming on last second goals the question around the water cooler today is the Blazer annual mid season slump cause for concern?

A testy coach May closed the doors to the media after last night's 4-2 loss but we were able to get every single detail of the rant from an unnamed Mic Ultra loving fat Italian right wing.

"Bro, it was brutal. He was jumping up & down like a a little cartoon character. I had to pretend to untie my skates so he wouldnt see me giggling. It's beer league hockey no way I'm fu***ng back checking."

News & Notes

The high scoring dynamic duo of Flash & Dana were AWOL yet AGAIN. Neither one of the do*****ag twins has been seen in 2017.

Rob Resnick's trademark scream was heard in back to back games. One a celebratory squeal on a key goal and the other a self admonishment after a stupid pass to the opposing defenseman in front of the Blazer net.

http://soundbible.com/grab.php?id=258&type=mp3

Rico brought a controversial 30 pack of girlish Mic Ultra for post game. While the beer was quickly consumed, the brand choice was not well received esp by longtime confidante Crash.

"Jesus Christ Rico I need a va**na and a couple packs of Virginia Slims to accessorize this fa**ot beer look. No wonder we lost."

Blazers play Milford Fire next Monday at 10pm. The day after the Patriots win another Super Bowl. Pops has already listed himself as questionable with "ummm...the flu?"
GO PATS

01/04/2017

BLAZERS WIN 5-5!

Marlboro, MA (AP)

That's not a misprint folks. Down 5-2 halfway through the 3rd period and on the wrong end of a 5 on 3 power play the Blazers somehow managed to score 3 in the final 5 minutes for a satisfactory 5-5 tie against the amped up Cavemen.

Pops Gagin, enjoying his renaissance season (currently 3rd in the league scoring race) scored the tying goal on a sweet tip with just over a minute left. The well fed right winger actually should have won the game but missed a really wide open net with seconds on the clock. Reports indicate Pops was already celebrating and fanned on the perfect cross crease feed from Dana.

A dejected Pops was reach for comment as he was quietly polishing off a bud light & a platter of post game garlic parm wings alone in his pitch dark living room at 1am.

"Another premature ej*******on. Totally ruins the tying goal. Man-o-man do I suck. The whole season is officially a bust. Mmmm, Davey want more wingy "

Back to the game, the Caveman were fired up against the listless Blazers as their dick-wad captain spent most of the game berating his teammates on the bench. The angry Cavemen peppered Stringbean in the first 2 periods but he was up to task making a several great stops to keep the game close. The Blazers played down a man most of the 3rd period. The tide turned midway through as Scheidy, Pops and Robert Resnick killed a 5 on 3 and Flash was able to convert a shorty. The 12-1-1 Blazers have a bye next week and return to action Sunday the 15th.

Video link for Pop's swing & miss

https://youtu.be/LbXq_Zn5QFg

GAME QUOTES & NOTES

"What a complete do**he. Does this as***le realize it's beer league hockey? He can barely skate and he's screaming at guys on his bench. Even his own team hates him. Get a grip man"
Blazer Coach May with some advice for his coaching counterpart.

After going a full season and a half with no penalties The Flash is back in the saddle the past few games with not 1 but 2 "abuse of officials", a cross check, a couple elbows along with several post whistle kicks & punches. Bad Flash.

"I don't care about your fantasy football and kid stories especially if it's your daughter"

Richie Miceli expressing his displeasure of the post game locker discussion topics.

Team sexual healer Dana forgot his skates and had to borrow a pair two sizes too small. Dana pictured below was placed on the 15 day DL and is currently rehabbing his feet among other things at the Pops recommended Angels "Magic Touch" Massage Parlor in Downtown Framingham.

12/23/2016

UPTON, MA—Eight-year-old sq**rt hockey player Charlie Gagin confirmed Friday that he wishes his dad cared enough about him and his Demons teammates to curse, threaten, or even physically assault other parents during games. “He cheers a lot, which I guess is okay, but he’s never once shouted swear words at other dads or told a referee he’d kick his teeth in,” said Gagin, expressing disappointment that his father never questions calls or goes out on the ice to attack an official or opposing coach. “It just makes me sad because most of the other kids’ dads will at least call the other team ‘little pieces of s**t,’ and my dad just tells me I’m doing a good job.” David Gagin, 45, told reporters that a children’s hockey game is not an appropriate place for such aggression, especially compared to his older son’s pee-wee football games, where punching another dad is more a part of the culture. When reached for comment Richie Miceli who has known David Gagin for over 20 years, said "I'm not surprised, he's always been a finesse guy. I kind of figured he'd just stick with baseball"

12/20/2016

Breaking News (Correction)

Former teen idol Blazer forward Andy Durrant has reportedly opted out of his Blazer contract to chase his boyhood dream of becoming a professional baton twirler. The slick passing left winger has apparently signed a 10 day contract with the traveling "Silver Twirlers" baton club. Durant, seen below in his fabulous new silver track suit gives "zero f***s what his teammates think". More details to follow.

Statement from coach May:

"We wish Andy well. Vegas odds said he'd quit to focus on his frolf hobby, but this is almost as gay. Good riddance."

Pops also offered his unsolicited opinion:

"It's always something with these fu***ng millennials. Does this affect the beer rotation? No? Then who gives a s**t."

This local twirler kills it during a Pittsburgh Fourth of July Parade! Jukin Media Verified (Original) * For licensing / permission to use: Contact - licensi...

12/09/2016

BREAKING NEWS

Marlboro, MA (AP)

Unconfirmed sources have confirmed that star Blazer forward Rico Miceli voluntarily
missed this weeks game to binge watch re runs of "Beverly Hills 90210" on Netflix. Miceli, upset about the incessant fantasy football discussion in the locker room has decided to boycott men's league hockey until the end of the NFL regular season. The same source confirmed Rico was double fi***ng tacos and BLs on his couch while mumbling "Donna Martin graduates...Donna Martin graduates" well into Tuesday morning.

The Rico-less Blazers were able to defeat the Renegades 6-2 behind 5 questionable goals from Pops. The #5 has come into question as it has come to light one of the refs is a former teammate and actually owes Pops money. Stay tuned for more info on this developing "goals for debt relief" scandal. Pops issued his standard "f**k off I didn't do it" denial.

In other news Crash got a new Go Pro camera and has launched a "regular guy" web channel covering relevant married old guy topics like BBQ, fantasy football, "fart p**n" and how to score quaaludes & afternoon hookers in the metro west suburbs. Details and AirTimes to follow.

Finally the question of the week is what is wrong with the Blazer 2nd line? As arguably the most prolific scoring line in NESHL history the Eric/Andy/Dana has really s**t the bed the last several weeks. Eric's marriage, a more sedentary lifestyle for Dana & Andy along with an alarming increase in pre game booze from all three are the probable causes.

Blazer locker room question of the week:

F/marry/kill:

Kelly, Donna, Brenda

11/30/2016

Eric Had a similar reaction after his first penalty in almost 2 years.