02/05/2026
I wrote this 2 years ago, when I was forced to stop working due to illness. A lot has changed since I wrote this but I still wanted to share it. The person that wrote this 2 years ago was in the thick of a huge pivotal moment, confronted with some hard truths but still fighting with that part of her that felt she needed to do everything “right” and “perfect,” whatever that meant. I still fight with the old Julie who kept going no matter what, putting other peoples’ needs before mine, and draining my energy. I am learning, slowly, to be different: to be aware of what I’m thinking and feeling, to be kind to myself, and to find the small moments of joy in the littlest things. It is a hard lesson I have learned, and am still learning every day, but I am glad this illness, whatever it is, happened to me to force me to really take stock in how I am living my life.
“Listen To Your Body”
Wow, that’s a loaded phrase. Listen to your body. I don’t think I know how to do that. I am so used to pushing my body through workouts and runs and races and tennis matches. I sprained my ankle on a run and taught a step class the next day, and did the whole workout. The crazy thing was that I didn’t have any pain in that class and my recovery was the quickest it’s ever been. So what did that teach me? That I should -and had to-keep going. I
had plantar fasciitis and taught a one hour dance class that I had advertised with lots of people coming, so I taught through that pain, and it really hurt, not to mention that I set my recovery back. Why didn’t I cancel the class? I couldn’t let everybody down. They paid to come; it was a special event; I had to do it. Another time, I woke up with vertigo, so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed without violent spinning and vomiting. I taught my first day of boot camp the next day. I couldn’t look down because the spinning would start up. Here’s another instance: I got home from my son’s soccer tournament after a looooong and sh*tty drive straight through from Indiana at 4:30 in the morning, slept for a half hour and then went and ran a 6 am boot camp and worked the rest of the day training people. And another: I got home from a long flight from Paris to NYC and a long traffic-filled ride to which I almost fell asleep, and got up at 5:30 am the next morning to teach a 6 am class. During the pandemic lockdown, I taught a virtual class EVERY DAY at 9 am so I wouldn’t lose clients.
But here’s the craziest one: Fresh off an anaphylactic reaction to an antiobiotic in Paris, with a crazy cough, I continued to work my regular schedule and worked out, resting a bit but then amping up the workouts when I started to feel a bit better, over and over again, until I got so sick that I finally had to stop work and rest because I can’t do my job anymore.
Resting. It sucks. I have often said I don’t know how to rest, and it’s true. I am usually exercising or cleaning my house in my spare time. I rarely rest.
But now, I am resting. Resting is not easy. Resting is hard. Not resting is easy for me. I am so conditioned to believe that resting is lazy, that if I don’t exercise every day I will get fat, or flabby, or old, or sick. Now, I can’t exercise. Ironic huh? Exercise was making me sicker.
I’m not quite sure how to listen to my body. What is it telling me? If I am truthful with myself, it is telling me I’m not ready to get back out there yet; that I still need to rest.
As you can see from my writing 2 days ago, if I’m going to rest I’m going to do restful things with purpose, so I don’t “waste” this time, things like learning French, learning more about what’s going on with my body and my health. Even this very thing I’m writing RIGHT NOW is one of my goals: writing more.
I am a trainer who would never tell people to push themselves to the limits that I have. So why did I believe I had to? The same reason everyone does: because they believe they have to be perfect, and this is how you do it.
This is a journey for me. I am determined to get better, and I see that I’m making it my full-time job now: drinking celery juice, eating the “right” foods to get rid of the virus, taking Epsom salt baths, resting, and doing all the things I think I should be doing to get better.
I still can’t give Julie a break. Not if I want to get better. I need to find the right doctors, eat the right combinations of food, do just the right amount of the right exercises, read all the books I can about auto-immune diseases and how to fix it. I have made it my mission to recover. And, if I’m honest, most of the time I’m not really enjoying the journey.
So, that’s my first goal, and honestly, the absolute hardest one: Give Julie a freaking break. She’s doing the best she can.