12/31/2023
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming 🎬🎞🖤💪 (the girl with no arms desperately tries to get a triceps pump AKA the girl with very little confidence tries to put herself out there and be proud of herself in an attempt to help others be ok and love themselves well)
TW: depression, anxiety, eating disorder, self harm, su***de, abuse
I've been out of it too long and have barely worked out the last 2 months cause I stopped making time for me and felt like I was too busy. I also have not been into it (or anything really) mentally for 6 months even tho i am still somehow the most emotional emotionless person there ever was.
I want to celebrate tho even if I'm not where I wanna be or think I should be cause started working out consistently again 2 days ago and actually legitimately want to be in the gym in what feels like FOREVER 🥲😭 AND YES 2 DAYS IS CONSISTENCY AND IM SO PROUD OF IT CAUSE I HAVENT ENJOYED IT IN FOREVER LET ALONE 2 DAYS IN A ROW!
Thank you for literally always acknowledging my feelings but also holding me accountable and helping me heal (also for yelling next set at me when I don't want to move due to my depression) and thank you .ibarra .lanee and instaless Emily for creating fun workout environments the last few nights at the gym 🏋♀️ it really has helped me find joy in the gym again 💖
But b4 this, what few workouts I've had have not been happy, energetic, and I've not been mentally present in anything let alone working out (which is something I've always done to help my mental health) so it's been a weird and difficult time for me to not even be able to go to my go to mental fix during hard times. I've felt like I've had nothing even tho I actually have a lot which makes me feel guilty which makes the depression cycle worse.
2023 has absolutely without a doubt been the hardest year of my life and also somehow the best year of my life. This transition has been awful, painful, and not a lot makes sense while so much is also somehow starting to make sense at the same time. It's all convoluted, contradictory, stupid, and amazing. There's a kind of beauty in the bloodshed and especially the aftermath.
My disassociation and avoidance got out of control. I tried to numb the pain in any way possible because I've never experienced any pain worse than this. I feel emotional pain physically and it has crippled me multiple times this year. I tried "socially acceptable" forms of self harm to see if I can feel anything at all to stop the emotional pain so hopefully no one would notice and the heart pain would stop. It didn't. Nothing stopped it. I had to feel it/still have to feel my emotions and my pain and hurt fully to heal from it.
I stopped eating because I was nauseous all the time and physically making even microwavable food was too draining. I also liked the stomach pain because it distracted me from my emotional pain. I had good friends and family pull me out of this and force me to eat. I haven't eaten gluten free in 6mo or many home cooked meals made by me because I was so exhausted and drained it was all I could do to even eat fast food or pre-made snacks for myself. The act of eating drained all my energy. The thought of eating drained all my energy. I lost a lot of my muscles ive spent YEARS building, my hair, and I'm sure so much more as well. It was all ripped away from me and I literally couldn't get out of the cycle without my loved ones dragging me out of it and for that I am forever grateful 🙏 ❤️
I realized I didn't care if I lived or died and I had felt that way for the last 6 years because my life was made to be so worthless and i "provided no value" that I internalized it deeply and im still working thru this and sorting out all the twisted messed up pieces. During my healing I realized that I've been struggling with passive suicidal ideation for the last 5 strongly since I lived in Iowa and was isolated from my family and friends. I love my Iowans dearly but it's true that that is when it was at its worst until 2023 when it got way worse. I cant remember what clicked but I finally decided I want to be alive and that feeling keeps getting stronger every day 🥹
I am stronger than I ever thought I could be, have stood up for myself in ways I never thought I could, and shown unbelievable resiliency and perseverance in the face of uncertainty, and regained my strong sense of self and am working on coming back to me again. I started being vulnerable with people and was able to ask for help and rely on people for the first time in forever after being convinced I couldn't rely on anyone. We all need help and community and it's not a weakness at all. It's a strength to be able to ask others for help and wisdom and a blessing for them to love you enough to help you through your tough times 🥰❤️🩹
I am so proud of me. I never say that cause I really want to be humble and I honestly don't think I'm that important to be proud of tbh but I really am. And I am eternally grateful for all that I went through and all my kind, loving, supportive, truly amazing friends, family, and gym family because I couldn't be here at all without yall! 🥹😭❤️🩹💕
I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be doing what im called to do: love others well.
2024 is going to be a great year in so many ways for so many people. I can feel it in my soul even if I'm deeply nervous and terrified of it. Oddly i feel this deep sense of peace in the midst of my anxieties because i know God's plan for me and the gym is greater than ill ever know fully. But I am so happy and excited to get to rest and pour more into myself and grow so I can pour into others to help them grow 💞