08/16/2026
Now that I am reaching the end I am thinking about how and when I have failed.
Is today the day I have officially failed? Was it two years ago? Was it the day I accepted this “opportunity” in an industry that is itself failing. Was I failing even as I stood in the Saratoga winner’s circle with Colloquy? Was I failing when Limonite ran second by a nose in the Stymie? Was I failing every time I re-homed a past runner of mine, even when they had since been claimed from me? Was I failing every time I stood up for myself?
I guess I didn’t notice soon enough. I gave chances to people and connections that never panned out while no chances were afforded to me even by people who claimed they knew my capabilities.
I know who I have failed and how it feels to look in her eyes. I know how it will feel the day we aren’t going to the barn in the morning.
But maybe I failed her before this with all of the verbal, physical and sexual harassment I have taken and witnessed and still pressed on. Maybe I failed her by struggling and still fighting. Maybe I have failed her by working every single day except Christmas. Maybe I have failed her by breaking my ulna and continuing to ride. By getting kicked and having her watch me in the ambulance. By dealing with internal bleeding and a broken rib and still driving four hours to saddle a horse.
What has this all been for?