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Bad News Beers, 1 KickAss Lane, Columbus, OH (2026)

07/01/2019

SHRIVERS WIN AGAIN?!
Twenty Championships Unparelleled in the Live Ball Era

COLUMBUS.
The hometown Bad News Beers run-ruled Standard Balls in the spring kickball semi-final, in a tight affair, 17-6. In the final, the Beers tightened their defense, going on to score twelve unanswered runs en route to their historic 20th championship, beating Friend-Zone6 12-1. The game marked the twentieth chamionship by the dynasty, and perhaps the final full season by leadoff kickers Cam and Julia Shriver.
“The Shrivers—a great couple by the way--offer the squad a certain joie de vivre” renowned sportscaster Bob Costa said following the championship. “It’s French. But they also have this extreme competitiveness, l’extreme de competitive, I think. Just great people all around. Salt of the earth. But what will they do now? What do you do after you’ve reached the pinnacle?"
Despite allowing runs in the first inning in both games, the Beers kept their composure to stay in the game and used their patented small-ball paired with aggressive base running and well-timed base-clearing home runs by Cam and JC, respectively, to pull ahead and keep their lead. They never looked back.
Laura, the constant ace, continued to wow the fans (her loving parents) on the mound, bringing her season ERA down to 0.92, best in the league. “I just think, when you have this defense, put the ball on the plate and let them kick,” Laura said after the championship. Rookie Abby Skoda proved as much. Southwood Elementary can prove a pressure cooker this time of year, but Skoda made plays all day in multiple phases of the game.
Player-manager Matt Hamski singled out Nicholas Port for praise. “I thought he played the solid two-way game we expect,” Hamski said. “The same goes for Bullet. To be honest, opponents can’t kick it to our outfield in any spot, because we’ll catch it. I call it a black hole. You know, because in black holes, balls just go and get caught in them, right? That’s why I call it a black hole outfield. Everyone gets it; from science.”
Julia Shriver, kicking second in the lineup just 12 weeks after her knee surgery, showed trademark speed rounding the bases and touching home four times.
The darkest moment of the evening came as Z-Baby Zac scored at home, sliding awkwardly into the plate and appearing to injure his knee. Twenty minutes later, he was still photographed wincing in the dugout. The veteran Beer received a standing ovation from the crowd as he was carted off the field. Hamski declined to suggest a timeline for his return.
Lil Cat Schuenke was in attendance (with his mother) to witness his father’s 20th championship. OGs Big Cat Schuenke, Hamski, and Durzo proudly sang the BNB fight song which reverberated around the city of Columbus.

04/20/2019

Beers Blow Away Competition

COLUMBUS, Ohio. On a windy evening in Goodale Park, the Bad News Beers handled the Degens from Up-Country by a margin of 16-2. Despite strong gusts, the Beers’ defense managed to keep the opponents, and the fickle mistress called Mother Nature, in check. “The balls were sailing, but for the most part we kept our composure,” noted left fielder Nick Port. Furthering the defensive efforts was a key strikeout by relief pitcher Durzo with the bases loaded in the 7th inning. Durzo pumped her fist and thumped her chest after her successful inning in a rare show of emotion. Her swagger seemed contagious. The Beers took advantage of the blustery conditions to send the ball deep, with epic hits by JC and Abby, the latter of which awarded POG to the former. The Beers celebrated the returns of veterans Julie and Laura, who brought their well-known savvy and heart to the team. “The energy out here in the springtime, it’s just palpable. It’s like an electricity, you know? I’m so happy to be back on the field,” a teary-eyed Laura said.

The Beers have a bye next week, but look to continue their dominant efforts on May 2nd.

04/12/2019

“Elevate” your game. GO BEERS

04/12/2019

Beers "Kick" Off Season With a Win

COLUMBUS, OHIO. The Bad News Beers opened up their epic quest for a 20th Championship, taking their first victory of the 2019 season. After a shaky first inning, the Beers scored 10 unanswered runs to defeat Friend-Zone6 10-1. The Beers were inspired by Zac "Z-baby" Oldham's 2nd inning homerun to kickstart the offense. After putting up another homerun in the 6th, Zac noted "I've been training all offseason and I have 15 more pounds of power to kick with." Beers speedster Cam Shriver put up another homerun, as well as two runs scored and several key catches in center field. Not to be outdone, Big Cat Schuenke showed incredible closing speed to make a double play from deep left. The notoriously "Big Casual" is showing renewed spirit this season, undoubtedly inspired by his wife and unborn child. "I guess I have something to play for now. That catch was bigger than just me."

One dark cloud loomed over the Beers with the absence of star pitchers Laura and Julie. When asked about the contract situation, manager Matt Hamski was tight lipped. "I won't answer questions about that right now. It's a sensitive situation. I'm focused on the players that are here and contributing.

POG was awarded to Beers rookie Abby after multiple clutch catches at second. You can "catch" the Beers in action next Thursday.

09/21/2018

BEERS GO 1-0
Beers embark on epic quest for an unprecedented 20th trophy.

Columbus, OH. After solidifying their 19th championship, the BNB transitioned from Wednesday to Thursday night and won their first game of the Fall season, posting three runs to zero against old foes Barely Legal Bears.

The Bears played solid defense, forcing the BNB to win with hits spread over several innings. Cam scored two runs and Julia scored once. The Beers let in no runs in a pitcher’s duel.

Durzo and Hattie both contributed to vital double plays in the middle innings of the game. “It’s a big part of my play, you know, helping the infield keep our bases clear,” Durzo said after the contest. “I’ve always been a solid second baseman and finally the balls are coming to me. It just feels good, getting those sons of b*&^%^s out.”

Returning to the Beers lineup was Shane Kline, who clearly had not seen a gym since leaving Columbus. “Yeah, he’s out of shape” shortstop JC remarked, “but he’s a good kid. He does his best.”

Shane had a rosier view of his return. “It was great to be back with my teammates. What a day. Happy to remain undefeated in my career.”

Laura won the Player of the Game, and gave a fantastic speech before darting off. “My boo needs me” she yelled at a trailing reporter. When pressed for further comment, she said, “I have no further comment. I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

*Julia Shriver contributed to this report.

09/07/2018

🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

07/17/2018

LES BIERES GAGNENT LE 18ème CHAMPIONNAT HISTORIQUE
Beers capture unprecedented 18th kickball championship.

Columbus, Ohio. Heading into the scoreless last inning of the semi-final matchup, the Bad News Beers proved their nerve once again. With two outs, the reigning Wednesday night champs would have to dig deep to earn the winning run for a spot in the finals. While critics doubted the aging lineup, the Pops trio of Nick, Josh, and Zac manufactured the base hits needed to defeat Booze on First 1-0.

The semifinal forced the BNB to play a close, low-scoring game that typically causes them fits. Relief was plain to see on the faces of the team as they rushed onto the field as Zac hit the walk-off single in the bottom of the seventh and last inning. Their glee was only tempered by the sobering realization that, in a few short minutes, they would have to do it again in the finals against an old foe.

Once into the ‘ship, the BNB could not be stopped, hammering Str8 Ballin 8-2 to bring home their 18th trophy. Key plays on the evening include Laura’s strikeout with one runner on base in the top of the 7th vs. Booze, Hattie’s acrobatic set pass to herself to nab the out at second base, and Big Cat’s outfield backup and relay into JC to prevent a Str8 Ballin rally late in the 6th.

“We do not yet realize the magnificence of our achievement,” third-baseman Hamski said through an interpreter. “Perhaps upon waking tomorrow, then we will understand what this game means to our fanbase.”

POG was awarded to the Z-baby following trademark defense and one perfect dipping ball to left field to lead the Beers into the championship.

Watch parties celebrated from piazzas throughout the city, where fans congregated to cheer on their team and briefly forget the political turmoil that has provided a dark backdrop on these oft-delayed spring playoffs. The final game was briefly stopped as members of the Russian punk-political activist group P***y Riot ran onto the field, before being quickly removed by Goodale Park security. But nothing could dampen to grit that has long characterized this Beers lineup.

“Victory or defeat is not determined at the moment of crisis, but rather in the long and unspectacular period of preparation. That’s just something I made up. I think it is true, and it sounds excellent,” Cam said, as the sound of champagne bottles popping reverberated through the shimmering park twilight and albino squirrels curled up in timber refuges and dreamed of giant golden trophies.

05/10/2018

BNB FIND “TRUE LOVE’S FORM”
Beers continue fairytale season vs. Team Shrek

COLUMBUS, Ohio. The Beers put on a hitting clinic tonight, run-ruling Team Shrek 12-0 after 4 innings. Tonight’s game featured precision base hitting mixed with out of the park home-runs, much to the delight of the sold out crowd at Goodale Park. Lefty Julie Steffen was on fire, dropping base hit after base hit just beyond the infield’s reach. The picture of consistency, pitcher Laura Van Hoey continued to move Beers around the bases. “Ho and I spent a lot of time in the batting cages this week, and I think the results showed. I feel like I’ve found my rhythm,” noted Steffen.

The highlight of the game was a redemption grand slam for Big Ca(t)sual Schuenke. Channeling the frustration of being moved to 10th in the batting order, Schuenke booted one deep to center field.

Adding to the Beers’ tally was a 3-run homerun for Josh “Pops” Applebaum. “This one was for the fans. Especially the kids...Jack, J.J., Cici, and Nolan,” choked out an emotional Applebaum. After the game several lucky Junior Beers had the opportunity to take batting practice with Julia Shriver. The future is bright for the club.

05/03/2018

Beers Blast Booze!
Beers defeat Booze on First in thrilling 9-8 victory

COLUMBUS, Ohio. The Bad News Beers pulled out another win, downing old rivals Booze on First 9-8 in the first 9 inning outing of the spring season. The Beers were finally able to generate some offense, putting up an impressive 9 runs against a strong Booze squad. POG award went to Nick, whose strategic kicking, aggressive base running, and solid fielding contributed to an around impressive showing. “I thought our team played tough tonight,” noted Coach Hamski. “This season is testing us both physically and mentally, but we are holding strong.”

Other noteworthy performances included Danielle Durzo “Dash” with the game winning run and JC “SPF 30” Beatrice for a solid performance despite a blistering sunburn. In a game marked by tight calls, first baseman Zac “pops x 2” Oldham expressed his confidence in his team and his own skills. When questioned about making laser throw against a speeding Kickball Ryan Lochte, Z-baby commented, “10 out of 10 times I get that guy out...maybe 9 out of 10 if my achilles snaps once.”

Tonight’s game saw the return of Matthew “Big Cat” Scheunke to the Beers’ lineup. Longtime BNB fan Carrie Dietrich expressed relief to see the veteran back in action. “Frankly, I was concerned. I’ve been reading all sorts of crazy rumors about retirement, a trade to Athletic Aliens, even drugs*. But I think deep down he knew his home is with the Beers.”

Schuenke gave a sold out crowd a Goodale Park a shoutout following tonight’s matchup. “I thought I had done everything I set out to do in the game of kickball. But after much soul searching, I decided to bring my talents back to Goodale Park.”

The Bad News Beers look to remain undefeated next week with a rematch against the Bad News Brews at 6:00. First 500 fans receive a free BNB t-shirt.

*AP writer Cam Shriver retracted his statement about Scheunke’s alleged drug use.

04/26/2018

BEERS BATTLE BREWS
BNB Remain Perfect on the Season

COLUMBUS, Ohio. Despite woeful field conditions and continued offensive struggles, The Bad News Beers extended their undefeated streak with a 2-1 victory over the Bad News Brews. Pitcher Laura "One-Earring One-Shoulder" VanHoey earned POG after driving in the winning run in the 6th. Almost exactly one year post-surgery, VanHoey proved to skeptics she is back and better than ever, winking to the crowd after a nonchalant one handed catch on the mound.

While VanHoey's clean bill of health is a welcome relief to the Beers, rumors continue to swirl around the weeks-long absence of Bad News Beers cleanup kicker Matt Schuenke.

Conspicuously absent in the early weeks of the young season has been the once formidable Beers cleanup kicker and center fielder, Matt Schuenke. Schuenke’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, has not returned calls seeking comment.

When—or if—Schuenke will return to the Beers’ lineup next week is still unknown. His own wife, Hattie, ducked the question when asked pregame. “It’s really a situation we’re dealing with internally,” she said to reporters.

First baseman Zac Oldham downplayed the notion that Schuenke’s absence is becoming a distraction in the Beers’ clubhouse. “He’ll be back. There’s a business side and a playing side to this game. I know Matt isn’t saying anything to the media right now, and we have to give a man his privacy. The media wants a story. He will be back, and we’re not worried about it.”

But coach Matthew Hamski expressed doubts about whether Schuenke would return to the lineup immediately on his return. “Frankly I don’t know his level of commitment right now. We have a strong team and we’re winning. I won’t put in players just because of their history. He will have to earn his spot back, that’s for sure.”

Hamski followed his comments by saying that “was not a threat” against Schuenke.

Bad News Beers

07/01/2019

04/20/2019

04/12/2019

04/12/2019

09/21/2018

09/07/2018

07/17/2018

05/10/2018

05/03/2018

04/26/2018

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