07/07/2021
This is a post that is partly exercise related as it relates to parenting. I hope that by sharing, it can help others going through the same struggles.
See that last spike in my heart rate? I had already done a long walk and strength training session, but my third mini workout was courtesy of my 5-year old daughter Gaby.
She was disregulated because I said it was time to give me my iPad back. As I was doing dedicated time with her younger sister Izzy, she started hitting and kicking me. I told her that hands were not for hitting, but only hi-fives and hugging (a tip I learned today). She didn’t understand the boundary, but I stuck to it and decided to hug her while spinning around. When she continued to hit, I grabbed her hands to start dancing and twirling her. She started laughing.
When she started to kick me, I said legs are not for kicking, but stomping or dancing. She didn’t understand the boundary and continued to kick. I grabbed her hands and started jumping and squat jumping with her. Every time she hit or kick I repeated my boundaries. My heart rate shot up to 117 bpm, but she enjoyed the interaction and my heart rate didn’t raise from me yelling. I was tired though.
But guess what? She calmed down because I was able to help her calm down by co-regulating (through regulating my own emotions). Trust me, it was hard and I didn’t think it was going to work, but I held my boundaries. She also “cooperated” in finishing getting ready for bed. It wasn’t a fight.
It has taken me a long time to get to this place. They don’t teach you this in parenting books. Gaby’s meltdowns and tantrums trigger me but I realized it triggered me from memories of my childhood. I was never seen or heard. I was told not to cry or express emotions. My parents couldn’t regulate their own emotions, so they couldn’t help me learn to regulate mine.
But I know now that I need to heal myself before I can help my children. Behavior is communication. We need to get to the root cause of the behavior and not the behavior itself. I couldn’t help my inner child but I can help my children be seen and heard - so that I can help their future generations. ❤️