08/12/2025
Since I was a kid I knew I always felt too much. Too much joy, too much pain, too much eagerness, too much doubt. Always living in technicolor and the saturation turned up 110%—it’s the source of my creative core, and probably why I’ve always been a theater kid at heart. The drama! 🎭
Some days I wish I felt nothing—not too much or too little, just in the middle. Neutral, like my Swiss blood.
Medication helps mute the colors, but it will also make you brutally aware of the fundamental missing pieces of your joy: community, purpose, and passion.
At least, that’s what I’ve come to call the fundamentals. And without those three, it’s easy for your hormones and brain chemistry to swallow you whole and pull you under.
Grief, loneliness, social anxiety and self-doubt consumed most of my thoughts last year. They were the threads that stitched together my daily living, with loneliness leading the way. I couldn’t find joy, only more obstacles blocking my way. I questioned my job, my future, my purpose and myself.
Loneliness is like a broken toe you keep stubbing. You can live with a broken toe, maybe no one will even notice you limping, but you are constantly aware of it and every little bump that hits.
The most beautiful lesson this pain has taught me is that friends do exist in multitudes and various timeliness. And neither hundreds of miles nor hours of time zones can keep those connections apart.
I stand here today grateful for the people that showed up, checked in, and pulled that joy out of me again.
I am most grateful to my closest friends, especially the ones I’ve traveled to see, and my wife Carly. 🥹 Thank you for hearing me and supporting me through the toughest times.
Bonus points: I’ve even learned how to fall back in love with my creative center, and express myself through the celebration of music and dance. 🪩
I still catch waves of loneliness and thoughts of “what the f**k am I doing here?” I try to breathe slowly through those moments and remind myself that WE are setting plans into motion for change.
I’m not healed, but I am healing. Aren’t we all?
Check on your people, because some of us are just really good at pretending. 💜