02/22/2026
My trauma ruled my life before it didn't.
No child knows anything beyond their experience; we assume that the way things are in our home reflects what happens in other homes. For a child to understand that people live differently, leaders must be intentional about raising awareness of differences in other cultures, lifestyles, or worldviews, without judgment. Such exposure is not present in homes where people control others through emotional manipulation, neglect, and narcissistic abuse.
Rather, the dysfunctional, competitive, insecure leaders shame those they are meant to and trusted by most to care for. Abusers act sacrificially in 'enduring' the shortcomings of the victim, so the victim doesn't expect to be treated with dignity. Abusers repeatedly create and point out flaws in the victim to instill a negative self-image. The entire clan will adopt the negative image as others become aware of the illusion of the victim's disgraceful failure tendencies.
Naturally, the victim will be left out and insecure, losing the ability to discern the truth. The abuser, whom the victim still sees as one who cares for them, perpetually reminds the victim of their shortcomings and social discrepancies. The victim feels like they don't belong anywhere, especially at home or wherever the abusive relationship replaces emotional safety.
Abusers make the world look scary and unsafe to victims who rely on them for what becomes the only source of 'love' and 'inclusion'. Victims tolerate the mistreatment just to receive scraps of what they need most, to be seen and valued.
A toxic environment is upheld by all who are willing to support a facade rather than sober, honest discernment of who people really are and how they treat others, versus how they portray themselves.
With a void of support in an emotional den of lions, victims believe they are unworthy of something better because of how poorly the abuser and others have made them out to be.
The social skills of the victim continue to worsen as their mind becomes warped into believing lies that are being used against them by someone everyone believes loves them, like a parent. They 'lovingly' or out of 'concern' emphasize to all who will listen how the victim's differences ostracize them, edifying the lies. For example, many abuse victims are pushed by the abuser to an out-of-character reaction to the lies and accusations. When this can be done in front of an audience, the abuser will forever look like the one telling the truth; others have now seen the crazy without understanding that it was abuse-induced.
Narcissism is an illusion, masterfully designed with the power that comes from someone who has not faced consequences, feels as if they are God, and lacks conscience for how their selfishness affects others. The abuser has no concern for how they are destroying another's life and legacy to feel and be seen as superior by others.
Outsiders assume everyone has a conscience. It never crosses some people's minds that a parent, sibling, spouse, pastor, in-law, child, or other trusted relationship would serve the devil by dedicating their existence to extinguishing the light of one who would otherwise expose the darkness.
The abuse victim in a dysfunctional family system serves as a scapegoat. No one looks at their own shortcomings or the dysfunction of the group because the trauma responses of the scapegoat keep everyone feeling superior.
Narcissists do not have a conscience like non-narcissists do. They know what they're doing, but the only sense of care they have for anyone involved, no matter the relationship, is for themselves and how they can get away, on top, with lies and deception. They go to great lengths to make the others look and feel horrible, weaken their resolve, and increase the negative public image of their prey while remaining on top of everyone's victim list. This type of abuse is common in communities where emotional intelligence is low, and people communicate in sarcasm, facial expressions, silence, slander, and gossip.
The prolonged, repeated lies are aimed at finding anything about the victim to paint a negative image. I was told my legs were awkward, I spoke with a lisp, my lifelong (before now) acned skin, and "big" bone system disqualified me from being the beautiful woman I've become in a home filled with love, prayer, and the presence of God.
How was I to know I was valuable among a system designed to silence me so that I would never be able to articulate what I had endured? My family made me feel like everyone else on the planet was more worthy than I. They disqualified my mind because of the impact of the trauma.
All aspects of my life were affected as I lived in a fog in survival mode. They treated me as ignorant when, in fact, I was traumatized from narcissistic abuse and neglect, as indicated by the intelligence no one knew existed for some 55 years of being actively abused.
Many were bystanders, but others knew what they were doing. They knew I thought it was love while they tried to destroy everything about me because I could not conform to the lies and the false image.
When a child trusts parents who abuse them, they see the world as a pretty scary place.
Abusers act as if the rest of the human population does everything perfectly the first time, but the victim is a loser for trying. Abusive environments search for mistakes that the victim makes so they can be repeatedly mentioned and a support to the negative self-image that is replacing a God-given vision.
Negativity is ingrained in the victim by manipulating every aspect of their life and social presence in a world where nothing feels safe.
Most involved believe the image portrayed by the one who intentionally hurts their trusting, dependent "loved" one. They hurt in public so they can label the victim with the out-of-character reaction that came from being blindsided by someone they think loves them, despite all the pain and insecurity. Gaslighting comes easily to narcissists who creatively twist facts in a way to orchestrate the image that they are going for, which will cover the truth.
If the victim shares a success, the abuser will act as if the victim thinks they are something they are not. When parental figures make victims, and those in the family unit believe they are subhuman, there is no way to know the truth. It is almost impossible to escape after being labeled lower than pond scum and warned to hide one's identity from outsiders.
Additionally, victims are guaranteed to face the unfathomable wrath that follows one person's journey to wellness with a departure from narcissism. Relationships with everyone, including children who have been exposed to the lies, will change as authenticity surfaces for the first time in perhaps generations—the one who leaves faces what feels like the ultimate rejection.
Likely no one believes the truth and stands with the lies of the narcissists who are now playing victim to the narcissism they project onto a person who was willing to give all things for the relationship; most sadly, their entire self.
The breaking up of longstanding relationships is a necessary part of the healthy transformation that lies ahead; we can't grow well in the place that made us sick. What feels like rejection is, in fact, God's redirection.
It is in the suffering of loss and rejection of those we imagined would be in our lives forever, and of the world we've created and believed to be true, that we find God most satisfyingly, as He replaces all our earthly longings.
God is there when no one else is. He leads us to prosperity when we are still enough to listen to Him.
"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
Trauma prevents people from being still. Most traumatized people have ADHD-like symptoms that prevent stillness and understanding while protecting the central nervous system from the pain that would be otherwise unsurvivable. Survival mode can provide chaos that helps victims dissociate from reality and the emotions that come from the severe pain of being rejected by people you truly thought loved you. The impact on the brain affects reactions and decision-making. Traumatized people live in denial and don't realize how awkward they show up in a healthy world.
God is all we need, but most people, like me, suffer great loss to come to that realization. The suffering is worth it because we eventually develop contentment in God's love and offerings, which believers can rely on now and eternally. When we realize God's holiness, righteousness, and willingness to forgive all who ask, we are changed. He doesn't love or forgive us for what we've ever done. He loves us because we are His creation, designed for a relationship with Him, which sin interrupts without redemption and repentance.
"Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:2–4
When we receive His forgiveness, we see our selfish, ungrateful, entitled attitudes covered in the blood of Jesus, who willingly died for our sin, so we could be still in the presence of God, free of the stain of our wickedness.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
Having lost all that I valued and enduring pain I didn't think I could survive, I now have mental clarity to see how I idolized relationships. I made myself small to keep them, and that is not why I was put on this earth for such a time as this. I invested more in my earthly relationships than in my heavenly ones, and God knew that was not best for me. He lovingly removed all that, and whom I was tempted to idolize, as He satisfied my soul.
He loves me more than anyone ever could, and that is why He is jealous of my whole heart. He knows the only truly safe place for the human heart is in His love.
"For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24
I am a messenger, and I have endured great hardship to use my voice. After devastatingly breaking away and being rejected from places that controlled my life by abusing me to the point I couldn't express my true self, I am finally safe to share what I've been through and how amazing God is despite it all.
It is difficult to let go of the familiar, even when it causes pain. Abuse victims desperately hope things will change. They lose themselves adhering to a commitment to a trauma bond that they truly believe is love; it doesn't even come close. The familiarity and a sincere belief in the lie that the abuser is willing to make changes for the betterment of the relationship prevent people from leaving.
The victim might predict rejection, but nothing in the mind of an empath could prepare them for the almost systematic rejection they will face within an entire family system. For generations, people have avoided self-reflection and the willingness to update relationship styles, representing a new, healthy path for the bloodline.
Fresh ideas for valuing each member of the family equally and being willing to adjust so everyone's central nervous system feels at ease when together are not considered. Traditional dysfunction is adhered to, "that's how we do it," "that's how I am."
New and appropriate solutions should be discussed to replace the family system that suppresses identities, forcing secrets for the sake of peace and appearance. Rejection feels catastrophic. Ultimately, we'll see it as God's redirection for the now-survivor to be free of the one-sided, toxic bonds. The loss of toxic relationships, no matter how close they felt, needed to go so healing could occur in safe places as survivors begin to attract the love and support that has always been missing. They will learn that rejection was never an indication of one's worth. It is easy for victims to feel lowly in abuse, but in recovery, we see the horrendous behavior as an unhealed person dealing with deep pain instead of seeking help and making sacrificial healing choices that will impact generations.
Chain breakers will face devastating losses that no one in previous generations had the ability or courage to face. They are highly sensitive and feel the weight of emotions in ways others do not. They may seem too sensitive, but that is not an appropriate label for anyone. None of us is too anything; we are what we are. If our family doesn't value us and tries to mold us into something they prefer, we must take the painful loss and move into a vast world of cultural differences, finding our people.
It is not God's will for us to stay attached to toxicity because those involved are family or something else that makes people feel indebted to individuals who emotionally drain, if not outright abuse, because they are family.
Toxic homes do not celebrate individuality; if someone does something different than the narrow swath of approval from the system leadership, it's destroyed before it sees the light of day.
No one really knew my talent for communication before now because I was silenced with money and control. Among other devastating consequences of finally finding and using my voice, I lost relationships with my entire family, including my children. I have no idea why they turned from me, except that I began to share my truth for the first time in an environment that has avoided it for generations. No one ever told me what I did or gave me a chance to make it right. I was metaphorically left, like Joseph, in a cistern as God placed me where He wanted me, for His glory.
Everyone, no matter how close I thought we were, saddled up with the family that silenced me for over half a century. All seemed to have carried on as if I never existed. I was called a "manipulative echo chamber" by one of my sons when I was reaching out for connection.
After indescribable heartache and confusion, I turned away, realizing at least for now, I am clearly invisible to them. I am focused on developing a healthy lifestyle filled with my new love and reliable relationships. My second marriage and friendships that were established based on who I really am, rather than the facade I was forced to portray if I wanted a seat at the Thanksgiving table. The honest, authentic, balanced bonds are beyond anything I could have imagined. It is wise to note that I received the desires of my heart when I began delighting in God, accepting His provision and allowance of deep loss that led to inconceivable heartache. In the end, the peace which passes all understanding abounds.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
I am still working on my recovery and believe that one day the work I am doing and sharing with the world will help millions of abuse victims find life after unimaginable unfairness and cruelty from someone they truly believe loved their sacred soul, but couldn't/didn't. I believe one day my sons might see who my husband and I truly are, how dedicated we were to them, and how sorry we are for any unspoken apologies. I have accepted that many people want me in their lives, as I have moved on from those who treat me as if I am not worthy.
To recover, one must fully let go of whatever it is that keeps one from fully surrendering to God; there is no middle ground. My life was full of things that prevented me from developing the mental clarity, peace, wellness, and hope for a future. I loved my people too much and could not let go, so God lovingly let them reject me as He developed the woman He designed in the pain and ashes of unbearable heartache.
I was not a perfect mother, but I could not have tried harder at my job, which began when I was 23. To lose it all because of some narcissistic, power-and-money culture that I could no longer subscribe to was a reality I learned to survive and move on from in a prosperous direction.
We are resilient, and once we break free from a bully culture, we develop mental clarity, but you've got to be willing to lose everything, because you will, and yet the gain is immeasurable.
"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." 2 Corinthians 4:17
The heartache changed me. I do not feel as deeply about people as I did before, and that is healthier for all involved. The neglect I faced at home made me desperate to be valued and seen, and no young man needs that from his mother. I have accepted that not everything comes with permanence. I have learned to let go and let God. I have learned to be grateful for all I have had, even if I could not keep it. I know that my home is in Heaven, and there will be no more tears when those who receive Jesus get there.
Unfortunately, I was battling deep mental illness from the abuse that I hid, so they could have the childhood no one gave me. How much better our situation would be if I had acknowledged my reality instead of denying it for decades and living a lie that portrayed my hopes and dreams but not my truth.
The abuser will successfully smear the one who is fleeing for a life where their central nervous system feels at ease. No one in the social or family circle believes the victim. All have been living successfully in a lie until the truth was forced out, because the pain and the hope for a future have reached a dead end.
The departure is catastrophic for a narcissistic system that relies on lies, so truth tellers are effectively slandered. The goal of a narcissistic system is to keep the lies looking like the truth, no matter what. Members have long been groomed to believe negative images about the victim and to protect the reputations of the heads of the system. The system is far more concerned with their public image than with how someone they ‘love’ feels in a relationship. They do not invest energy in figuring out how to make adjustments so everyone feels valued.
Humanity is not valued in narcissism; life is not seen as sacred in toxic and abusive homes. When people live in a way that interferes with the plan or presentation of the narcissists, they will be treated as a burden, an interference with the dreams and images created by one who cannot consider the feelings of others.
Abuse does not work on all personalities; some won't believe the negative images portrayed on them, and they will have a different role. They will not be selected as the scapegoat, nor will they be easily manipulated by those who become the object of the system's wrath simply because they are too kind to stand up for themselves, hoping that all can feel good. Narcissism empowers evil to destroy an innocent life for the sake of feeling powerful, dimming one's God-given light, and feeding an insatiable ego.
Victims are led to believe they should not let others see who they really are because they are so defective. Being the victim of abuse in one's home, especially as a child, is the work of the devil. As dark as it is, it is nothing Christ can't redeem. God sees it all, and His righteous, powerful nature ensures vengeance in the unrepentant heart of one who has abused innocence for selfish gain.
"Since indeed God considers it just to repay with affliction those who afflict you…" 2 Thessalonians 1:6
I don't have a degree in psychology, but I have behind-closed-doors experience with so many aspects of narcissistic abuse. I have invested years of my life into recovery from that which no one ever envisioned I would recover from and eventually articulate for many who are still silenced and confused.
By the grace of God, I am alive and able to help others understand and move into a place of healing that leads to a life of thriving, regardless of the inevitable loss.
Christ took my shame, guilt, and a great deal of fear from my burdened heart in the summer of 1997. I inadvertently prayed the Prayer of Salvation* while watching The 700 Club with the late Pat Robertson, and my life was forever changed.
Having never understood the gospel in 27 years of church attendance, I didn't realize what I was praying. I prayed at church even though I had no understanding that God forgives my sin (entirely) if I put my trust in Jesus. I was showing up for a once-a-week feel-good social hour and calling it church. I had no idea what Jesus had done for me or why we were displaying his crucified body on a cross, but I liked to go.
As I bowed my heart and joined the prayer on TV, I felt God's hand reach into my burdened chest and remove almost three decades of pain, regret, fear, and worthlessness. As it left my body, there was like a movie reel of the traumatic experiences I endured and the extreme forms of self-medication I went to.
I saw images of my thirteen-year-old self with my best friend's family as we lost a seventeen-year-old. I was witness to all the first reactions to the sudden death of a teenager. I had a family at home who would never be able to relate to the intense support I needed for that, and so many parts of my painful past that left deep wounds.
I saw the drugs, alcohol abuse, and the promiscuity I served as I was desperate to be loved, lifted from my heart. The abortion I had at nineteen was there, although I had yet to realize and feel the emotions attached to the reality I had denied before Christ, that I had chosen to kill my first child because I was concerned about what others might think.
God took it all and more in a moment, and I wept tears of joy, knowing that I would never be the same.
"Right now all over the world," Pat Robertson said, "lives are being changed." I was positive mine was one, but I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.
I have turned toward God and away from my flesh since that sacred night in 1997, but I still fall into sin and turn to God for the renewing of my mind. I would not be here today if God had not opened my eyes to His presence and saved me from my sin so I could dwell with Him eternally.
If you are ready for a real relationship with Jesus, know there is nothing you can or ever could do to separate from the love of God. We simply need to admit our sin and pray:
*Dear Lord, I am a sinner in need of a savior. I receive Jesus as my Lord and the complete requirement for the salvation of my sins, past, present, and future. As a believer in Jesus, I realize I am born again. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me.
My life will radically change so that my actions align with the faith I now have in Jesus. I will lose loved ones as He prepares space in my heart and my life for those who share my beliefs in Christ Jesus or who He is calling to Himself through me. I will learn to let go of what does not serve the God who has ordained me to be His as I listen carefully, in the season of stillness, to the next right step.
By receiving Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I am now heir to the throne of God, a recipient of God's Holy Spirit, and my needs will now and forever be met in ways that are beyond what I can ask or imagine. Thank You, my Lord, Jesus.
Amen
For updates on my upcoming book, The Bible on Narcissistic Abuse, and to see my other titles, please use the link to my website in the comments, sign up for my mailing list, and follow me on social media for more information about recovery from narcissistic abuse.
