Wellington City Saints AFL Club

11/25/2022

Week 6: Saints 35 Bulldogs 72

Best on ground: Andrew Gavaghan

Dick of the day: Gregor Kempt

It was another tough day at the office for the Saints, but not as tough as the resolve they showed battling through adversity and injury in a hugely physical contest. Dean Rawling and BottumBunk Goble both ended up in A&E with suspected internal bleeding, while all the K-tape in the world couldn’t stop Tommy Tutankhamun from blowing his knee out.

Tom tripped over a blade of grass but the less said about the other injuries the better. We do commend Doggies president Smokey for reaching out to our hospitalised lads after the game, upholding his reputation as one of the best blokes in the WAFL. Unfortunately Smokey wasn’t there on Sunday which may explain why a couple of his dogs got off the leash.

But far from making excuses, the Doggies were a class above. Despite hanging with them in the early stages, their silky skill and fluid ball movement proved too much as they emerged comfortable victors. Unfortunately this loss has sunk the Saints’ last mathematical chance of making the playoffs, though this may not be the barrier it seems with half the team failing maths.

Still, plenty of positives to take away. On loan from Melbourne, debutant ‘Nev’ was untouchable, his dribbling with the footy only rivalled by the chins of the defenders marking him.

Jake Mair had a strong game in the middle of the park, eating up loose pill like a diabetic Pac-Man. Though still learning the game, Jake’s form in recent weeks has been off the charts, much like his blood sugars.

Andy G may look not a day older than 14 in his long sleeved rash shirt, but played with all the authority of a 40 year old stepdad. Him and Adam Moore formed an imposing Daddy defender duo, doing all they could to limit scoring chances and keep the Doggies’ attackers grounded.

The Saints now have a week off which they’ve booked for some much needed fitness and conditioning - rumour has it stand-in captain Harley Richards has organised a pub crawl. Keep an eye out for some boys in wide brimmed hats and open shirts, and if you see a d***y looking bloke on crutches, do us all a favour and kick him in the knee.

11/18/2022

Week 5: Saints 38 Eagles 41

Best on ground: Michael Fenton

Dick of the day: Gregor Kempt

A wise man once said “you’ve never been properly drunk until you s**t yourself”. And let me tell you, Kevin got drunk on Sunday night.

It was a tough old day at Hutt park, one where the final scoreboard didn’t tell the story of the final quarter, with the Saints nearly pulling off the biggest comeback since Happy Gilmore overturned a four-stroke deficit on the back nine 26 years ago.

Down by 24, the Saints would need an Eagles’ collapse rivalling that of an early 2000s Black Caps middle order. But similar to Chris Cairns’ connections with Pakistani bookies, we had Will Kempt’s fractious relationship with his father, and with it the threat of his pocket money being docked.

Will was simply unmarkable in the last 20, reminding the Eagles that Junglerama wasn’t a predator free zone. He delivered first class service to twin towers Tawhai Johnson and Connor Maxwell, who clinically dispatched goals proving that you’d need more than jet fuel to melt our playoff dreams.

Otto Allermo Fletcher showed that despite being the smallest and youngest on the pitch, along with the biggest kick he’s got the biggest set of balls. Other than Michael Fenton that is, who twisted his in a No Nut November related incident. Fenton’s balls weren’t the only thing he was tying in knots, as he snuffed out attack after attack in a best on ground performance. Doug McJorrow evaded defenders like Tommy evades leg day, while Harley Richards continued to dish out hits like he was back behind the decks at the Hataitai ball.

Alas, just like Kate and Jerry McCann, the Saints’ shooting boots deserted them when they were needed most, with their last 3 efforts going inches wide. Heartbreak at the final whistle, but still a momentous effort that even Kempy, who’s used to firing blanks in the final 2 minutes, could empathise with.

Bitter disappointment for the Saints, who at least showed that post match blues were no match for the power of friendship, sinking 57 panheads to 0 in the 5th quarter bringing the unofficial final score to 95-41.

11/09/2022

Week 4: Saints 67 Demons 43

Best on ground: AJ Marshall

Dick of the day: Gregor Kempt

The Saints looked to be in dire straits this week with only 14 players present at ball up. Then just as Hector was about to unleash his sinewy bicep, something caught his eye.

There he was. A glint of hope on the horizon, like Gandalf leading the charge of the Rohirrim at Helm’s Deep. Just Juice Bubbles in one hand, inhaler in the other, looking like he’d robbed a Junglerama birthday party. Many people, including myself, didn’t believe such a mythical figure even existed. But it had to be him. The legend of Te Awa Maihi had returned.

Anyway, Awa lasted about 15 minutes before going off injured, in what was a traditionally bruising encounter with the Demons. After Awa went down in a heap crying out in pain, one of the Demons players was heard saying “that’s the sound he makes when he touches kids”. Losing their kaumātua in such distasteful fashion galvanised the Saints, who refrained from partaking in the verbal battle, instead preferring to let the scoreboard do the talking.

While they struggled at times to match the Demon’s raw physicality, the Saints stuck to their strengths using speed and skill to move the ball down the wings into goal scoring positions. Here James Soligo showed all the predatory instincts of his direct descendant, the T-Rex, clinically dispatching 6 pointers like he dispatches slabs of VB on the couch.

The play of the game came from fan favourite Jack Field, who after putting in the tackle of the season, coolly delivering a pinpoint free kick to Saints’ top scorer Conor Maxwell who was waiting in the hotspot. No one was prouder than Tommy Turbo, who agreed to take Jack out for ice cream and promised to reconsider his stance on a paternity test.

AJ Marshall and Adam Moore were once again titans in defence and a testament to the fact that size isn’t everything - possibly explaining why they’re the only married men in the team.

The Saints now look forward to one of Kempy’s famous 3 hour training sessions, and the chance to avenge their previous 2 point loss against the Eagles this Sunday.

11/03/2022

Week 3: Saints 15 Bulldogs 97

Best on ground: Otto Allermo Fletcher

Dick of the day: Gregor Kempt

Sunday’s showdown at Hutt park was a game of two halves, and the Saints got pumped in both of them.

The pace of the game was relentless from the first ball up, with Kevin Van der Watt putting in an early bone crunching tackle. Unfortunately the bone that got crunched was his own knee and he was carried off the park. Kevin’s in his maiden season of AFL but has been one of the Saints’ standouts. We wish him a speedy recovery and hope to see him back to his rib and ankle breaking best soon.

The Saints were forced to reshuffle their midfield and the Doggies quickly capitalised, running out to a 3 goal lead. The game was in danger of being over before Turbo’s mum had even started singing, until Connor Maxwell took a couple of clutch grabs to pull things back to within a goal.

With the second quarter came the Doggies’ second wind, scoring 3 quick goals before the Saints’ centre could finish his first daisy chain. An already thin bench was starting to crumble with Jack Field hyperextending his knee (otherwise known as running). In the end the Saints were simply unable to keep up with the speed and structure of the Doggies, who ran away with proceedings.

On a day to forget there were still some memorable performances. Otto Allermo Fletcher was easily the best player on the pitch, and Adam Moore and Andrew Gavaghan did all they could to stop the Soggies hitting triple digits. Doug McJorrow was at his scintillating best and Will Kempt picked up a best on ground vote from his Dad. A special shout out also needs to go to Stephen “Flower of Scotland” Halmshaw for deputising at ruckman despite conceding at least 3 inches to his opposite. (He was shorter than him too.)

A good old fashioned hiding, but also plenty of lessons for our young squad, such as “don’t go on a bender the week you play the Bulldogs”. Next week brings the Demons and a hopeful return to winning ways, along with an even more hopeful but twice as unlikely return of Bottom Bunk’s boots.

Unfortunately there were no photos this week, so please enjoy some from last year’s grand final.

10/20/2022

Week 2: Saints 47 Eagles 49

Best on ground: Kevin Van der Watt

Dick of the day: Gregor Kempt

Once again the Saints’ annual s**t shirt night was a resounding success. What the boys lacked in stamina they made up for in enthusiasm and friendship, much like a night with Woody. This year saw the widest variety of costumes yet, including a shaman, an Aztec high priestess, and a Morris dancer, and that was just Kempy’s shirt! Special mention to Jamie Dobson who received an early yellow card/bucket, and “Count Jackula” Field who was awarded best on ground. Jack was spotted in his costume the next day attempting to circumvent his ban from Junglerama and sneak in unnoticed.

The Saints showed up to game day fresh and energised after a whole day in bed. Conditions were almost perfect with just enough of a breeze to carry the waft of breakfast beers and soiled underwear from Junglerama. Except the wind wasn’t blowing that way which means it must’ve been coming from Gobles’ kit bag

With Tāwhirimātea doing his part, all that was left was for the teams to deliver, and boy did they deliver. The encounter ended up being an all time classic, with a lead that changed more times than Te Awa Maihi’s approach to yo-yo dieting. Both sides were evenly matched with little to separate them for the entire 80. In the end the Eagles did just enough to hold on to a 2 point lead they took late in the 4th quarter.

The Saints were bitterly disappointed, but full credit must go to an Eagles side who really showed up to play. They brought a fit and hungry squad that provided an excellent contest relished by Saints players and supporters alike.

The Saints can hold their heads high though, with their young squad competing until the final whistle. Stephen Halmshaw and Kevin Van der Watt put in a couple of mammoth performances, while Doug McJorrow and Dean Rawlings oozed class and took their fair share of speckies .

We now look forward to a week off, with many Sainters heading off for a relationship-saving weekend with the miso soup. After that is our highly anticipated clash with the Doggies, who are fresh off a massive preseason at the sand bar.

10/12/2022

Week 1: Saints 51 Demons 27

Best on ground: Will Kempt

Players’ player of the match: Otto Allermo Fletcher

Dick of the day: Gregor Kempt

Our first lineup of the season had a bit of an unfamiliar feel to it, especially without Andrew Bisset’s big red forehead. Some strong off season recruitment led to a sizeable bench, who in their new orange vests looked like a bunch of teen ram raiders doing community service work.

Playing with the wind at their back the Saints shot out to a quick lead. Returning Sainter Reecce Plumtree showed some nice early touches, before Matthias “Bottom bunk” Goble was the benefactor of a 50 and opened his account in classic make a wish kid fashion.

The Saints displayed some real tenacity in the second quarter, battling through a couple of tough periods including losing impact player Jack Field to a head knock. Thankfully Jack’s a tough cookie and will only be sidelined for two weeks from the Junglerama ball pit. We’d like to applaud the WAFL for taking concussions seriously, but are worried half the Saints would fail an HIA before even taking the field.

Going into half time oranges with a commanding lead did nothing to prevent the hairdryer treatment from the coach and some awkward dinnertime conversation in the Kempt household. Despite a Braveheart-esque speech from Jamie Dobson, the Saints were unable to kill off the game in the third, before surviving a late fight back in the fourth from a spirited Demons side.

Notable debutant performances included that of Harley “Hey Santa Claus” Richards and Aiden “I swear I’m not related to Harley” Riches. Harley put in an early contender for hit of the year while Aidan left a trail of defenders in his wake like an under-85 kg Te Awa Maihi. Other strong showings came from Finlay Smith and Conor Maxwell, who showed off their athleticism with some spectacular grabs

In suspicious circumstances, Kempy named his son Will best on ground while the players chose Otto. Unsure what happened there but it might have something to do with the fact Will’s mum is sleeping with the coach.

09/29/2022

POSTPONED!

Our game against the Bulldogs on Sunday has been called off due to the grounds being too wet.

Keep an eye on our socials for an update.

In the meantime if you want to catch our saints boys in action, head down to your local pub after work and I’m sure you’ll be able to catch them in action

Here we go….

Round 1 next weekend (Oct 2nd) against the Doggies. This is the game that we look for on the calendar every year and this one’s going to have a little extra sauce this year.

Our boys have been putting in the hard graft behind the scenes on the training paddock, at the barbie and most importantly in the pub.

Get yourself down to Hutt Park next Sunday for a 12.15 ball up to see what is sure to be a tasty wee fixture. Our new look saints who won the minor premiership last season will be looking to get the wood over the doggies who won the final.

Be like big Sammy Green here and make sure get the jump on down to Hutt park to see our Saints get up over the dogs!!

09/23/2022

Here we go….

Round 1 next weekend (Oct 2nd) against the Doggies. This is the game that we look for on the calendar every year and this one’s going to have a little extra sauce this year.

Our boys have been putting in the hard graft behind the scenes on the training paddock, at the barbie and most importantly in the pub.

Get yourself down to Hutt Park next Sunday for a 12.15 ball up to see what is sure to be a tasty wee fixture. Our new look saints who won the minor premiership last season will be looking to get the wood over the doggies who won the final.

Be like big Sammy Green here and make sure get the jump on down to Hutt park to see our Saints get up over the dogs!!

07/29/2022

Ok only 5 tickets left, if we can sell these in the next 30 minutes, Woody (Ben Wood) will tango in his un**es with the most best "Love Island" dressed person in the room. I said "person" to keep me in the running, if I buy the last ticket!!!!! Let's get into it. Will be a great night!!