07/05/2019
MATCH REPORT: 13 bastards vs The Cooperative Football Team (again!?) 6/5/19
The bastards returned to the Ardwick fields of sporting glory on Monday for their penultimate game of the season, in what was to prove to be yet another fierce and unbridled contest of strength, bastardliness and wit. As the team sauntered onto the luscious green arena, they were intrigued to find last week’s opponents, The Cooperative Football Team, hard at work in shooting drills. Just like the supermarket, it appears that this ensemble were here for life too. Clearly their pyrrhic, meaningless 4-3 victory last week had affected them deeply, and while the bastards were having it large in the post-dissertation-hand-in shenanigans, the Co-op were hard at work on the training ground, preparing for their next tussle with the bastards.
And it seemed that those revels had taken their toll. In the first 5 minutes, the bastards were 4 goals down, conceding free kicks in dangerous areas, losing possession, and feeling those weekend Peronis. However, soon the score grew respectable as bastard talisman Sam Howard fought through the mass of bodies and scored some textbook worldies to make the bastard loyal supporters swoon with delight. Sam combined delightfully with fellow silk merchant, and Guy Fieri enthusiast, Joe McGavin, into a dynamic duo. Sam would later unleash the blonde bombshell down the left flank with a dreamboat of a ball for McGavin to bang in, no questions asked thank you very much. Watching these two was truly like watching a highlight reel of Strictly Come Dancing.
Yet the Co-op kept on belabouring the bastards with pace, and Jack Sinclair, the bastard between the sticks, was as rock-solid as ever in denying the ravenous Iniesta/Jonjo Shelvey opponent and his mates again and again with saves that kept the bastards in contention. Relative newcomer yet confirmed bastard, Josh Weston, once again proved essential in plucking the ball from the feet of opponents in the nick of time, and with his ice-cold, nimble playmaking in midfield. The bastards ended the first half strongly with Joe Folan, whose terrier-like presence all over the pitch wrecked havoc among the Co-op bods, lashing in a volley on the very stroke of half-time that sent team and coaching staff into raptures, and caused consternation among the Co-op crowd. The Corby calciatore, however, played the goal down in typical fashion, and would later go on to thwack in another thunder-bastard of a goal in the second half, in a foreshadowing of Vincent Kompany’s strike later that fateful evening. At 7-4, strong words were had, as captain Alex Ross encouraged the bastards to push on. Ed Daniell set to work defending in bulldog style, chasing down loose balls, outmatching every challenger in his no-nonsense approach, and at one stage, nutmegging an opponent with aplomb before unleashing an incisive long ball.
Despite the best efforts by these talented, honourable men, the day was not, alas, to be ours. Every time the bastards got a goal, the opponents stepped up another gear, and by the last ten minutes things got a bit tasty. Heavy tackles were made, tit-for-tat battles were fought, and general sh*thousery ensued. Joe McGav was shoved into the wall by a heavy-handed opponent, who rightly should have walked there and then, and Sam received a bad knock on the knee from a clumsy tackle and had to be subbed off. I can only assume this was all in retaliation for the merciless physicality displayed by the bastards last week. The curse of the last 5 minutes, however, reared its ugly head again as the score finished 12-7. The bastards trooped back to our reserve clubhouse, the Orion, to recover with lager and crisps. The result left the team determined to get the win next week. This enthralling 13, these prodigies of the Powerleague, these bastards of the beautiful game, these artists of Association Football, will return next week for their final match of the season as resolute and as bastardly as ever.
Lineup:
Alex Ross
Ed Daniell
Sam Howard
Joe Folan
Joe McGavin
Josh Weston
Jack Sinclair
Goals: Howard x4, Folan x2, McGavin x1
