The Alts

10/04/2026

We are back.

11/10/2025

6-1 win last weekend for Split the G, goals from Mark (2), Jacob (2), Ajay (sort of) and this little beaut from Matt Allen, a timely reminder to him to be a good boy tonight to be fresh for tomorrow's 10:30am game.

04/10/2025

1st Game of Summer happened last Sunday, with Split the G (our Summer variant) coming out 5-4 winners in the first round of the cup. 2 goals were caught on camera, 1 from none other than the Gaff, who has waited 8 months to get back on a football pitch and be virtually anonymous coz he's scared but still got a goal for a laugh anyway. The other goal is from Jacob, a new Summer signing who plys his trade with our perennial nemeses Western Suburbs. Maybe its the start of a blossoming relationship between the teams, or maybe he's spying on us and sending them data via antennas and wires and stuff!

Game Finished 5-4, only 2 goals caught on camera.

26/09/2025

Last night, The Alts celebrated their title-winning season with the 2025 awards night. And the awards went to:

Most Assists (or Top Assister!) - Harry Demetriou (8 )
Top Goalscorer - David Moffat (11)
Goal of the Season - Andy Riley, Top corner 1st minute screamer against Wellington Utd away (video in Comments).
Dick of the Season - Cana (socks, bottled it, knows what he did)
PLAYERS' PLAYER OF THE YEAR - Aaron Fed.
MANAGER'S PLAYER OF THE YEAR - Ajay Dhanjee
Chris Evans' Clubman of the Year - Wraith Neilson and Matt Allen.
XL Contribution - THE XL Boys (Matt, Euan and Beats).

Class night, amazing songs courtesy of Matt, massive thanks to The Welsh Dragon Bar, Wellington for having us.

11/09/2025

25/08/2025

End of Season Stats! Not very beautifully laid out but all the information the section towards the back left of your brains, near the Jefferson Cortex, could ever want is here.

Top Goalscorer: The Moffman.
Most Assists: Harro.
Highest Average Rating: Connor after he joined, but over full season, Aaron.

And our sponsors the Island Bay Bar is back open! We won the league, dear sponsors!

20/08/2025

HIGHLIGHTS: The Alts vs Vic Uni Accies.
2-0 win for the Alts with a first for the club from Connor and a penalty from Davey. Much of the possession was with the Accies but with the Alts defence being probably a league or 2 higher standard than Cap 2, mixed with threat on the counter, the 5th clean sheet in a row and some good old scrappy goals sealed the win.....and the TITLE!

What a season. No, really! From losing two key, extremely talented forwards for the season in the very last week leading up to the first game, as well as big Swedish Max before that and Joe only a few games in, to scrambling around desperately for any semblance of quality to add to the squad before doing so in the guise a couple of undecided lot from last year staying on (one of which was considering a move to a rival no less), a 16 year old keeper we had never seen before loaned to us from Island Bay Utd, a just-returned-from-knee-injuries duo Harry and Max, and a ninja warrior in midfield who disguised himself as a slightly overweight and dodgy player for a while just to fool us into not realising he is in fact our Colombian Cannonball, Bryan Diaz, add all that together and throw in Cana disappearing for half the season, a 6-0 loss against one of our main rivals and a 2-1 loss against 10 men from another, managerial red cards and made up names (wonder if that ref's reading this too?), and so with ALL that in mind, it's quite the miracle that the same team that finished 5th in Cap 3 has finished 1st in Cap 2*.

And now, the moment that miracle came to pass is here, along with some other fun moments after that moment, so sit back and enjoy your final highlights video of the season, and massive thanks to all you nutters who read all this crap I post each week!

UTBA.

*For the cynical, Cap 2 this year was like a super Cap 3 really due to an extra league being placed in above, but it was still stronger than last year and no easy game this time around!

17/08/2025

Morning, Alts viewers.

16/08/2025

WE'VE DONE IT! CAPITAL 2 CHAMPIONS, THE Island Bay United Association Football Club ALTS!

Been purposefully quiet as didn't want to be giving it the big one before it was sewn up, and lo and behold, the opposition, the Vic Uni Accies, gave us a right good game as we were far from our best, but yet another clean sheet and 2 goals mean The Alts are champions again!! To finish above our closest rivals Western Suburbs, who are an absolutely quality unit and finished just 2 points behind shows how well we did. And to think, pre season some of us might have just been happy with not getting relegated!

Fantastic achievement by each and every player (and staff), UP THE B*****D ALTS!

Now let's hope Capital Football let us into Cap 1! Come on chaps, you know you want to!