10/06/2026
Mentors 3-3 Tawa Vets, Masters 1/2, 6 June, Kura Park
Dando, after slapping a shot from outside the box that curled away from the goal: “Ten years ago that would’ve banged into the top corner.”
Teammate, running alongside: “What, were the goals bigger 10 years ago?”
There’s no comeback to a retort like that and it hurt a little bit, especially when you’re 1-0 down at the time and doing everything you can to get back into the fight.
At a squally and cold Kura Park in Titahi Bay, against a Tawa Vets side we’d played (and drawn with) on the same ground just weeks ago, the battle was once more an even one. If we’d had more manpower, it’s likely we would’ve won, but the Mentors had the bare 11 and even then we weren’t at full strength.
Cheltenham’s Meat Shield, Symon King, a man who’s never eaten a vegetable in his life (his motto is “if it’s fried it must be tried”), had a dodgy calf. At one point in the second half he told Dando “I’m gone” which for a second I considered to be him telling his team his visa had expired. But no, it meant he couldn’t run any longer.
Another Mentors player took a ball directly into his midriff and is in doubt this week due to either a cracked or just very bruised rib. He could barely move in the second half against Tawa.
Then we have Carl, our usually hungry (for chips) left back who got hamstring twang about 25 minutes in. Being that we were 1-0 down at this point, his decision to hobble off was about as popular as a fart in an elevator.
However, this was Carl, who it must be remembered is our football club’s chairman, being a total and utter fox. Because, just as we all decided he should written off and buried underneath the nearest roundabout, Carl brought himself back on……… up front.
Apparently, the big man believed this was the best thing to do, keeping himself out of the backline in case Tawa strikers did him like a dinner.
Just moments later, Ryan Gazelle Harvie slalomed his way through the Tawa defence. Through on goal from the left-hand side, his shot was parried by the flailing home keeper, into the path of the seagulling Carl Ellis. Much like all of Gary Lineker’s goals for England, the left back/striker couldn’t miss from 5 yards and in it went. Absolute scenes.
Less than 2 minutes later and it was 2-1 Stokes Valley – all this very much against the run of play. A delicious ball was played through from the midfield to Reece Lewis out on the left and the man who sometimes teaches tai chi at Avalon Park zoomed towards goal. Taking the ball right to the goalline, Reece squared it to the Gazelle, who smashed it home at the near post. 2-1 and that’s how it stayed till the halftime oranges.
The Mentors were battling with injuries and the ground cutting up, while Tawa were wasteful with their headers in front of goal. Aquaman between the posts wasn’t like Count Dracula (afraid of crosses) and collected many with ease, but the Tawa wingers peppered our penalty spot from wide out all day. Ben was up to the task, as he usually is.
The message from the one-legged Meat Shield was to defend like demons and use Reece and the Gazelle on the break. Symon, Blue and Carl were all battling but holding the line; the Meat Shield not really a concrete walrus, more like a plywood platypus, Carl hobbling, and Blue unwell and playing his first game after many weeks out with knee knack.
The second half started poorly for us, and got worse. We conceded in the second minute with a goal reminiscent of ours from Reece and the Gazelle in the first half (quick break, cross, smash in from close range) and then 20 mins in, Dando gave a free kick away on the box’s edge.
A training ground move saw the ball squared, where a Tawa midfielder popped it towards goal. Aquaman was unsighted and moved late, getting an oven glove to the ball but it crept inside the post. 3-2 down and looking bleak.
But this Mentors team has never lied down, ever. Fight them on the beaches, at Kura Park, wherever.
On the worsening pitch, with players bent double in weariness, hobbling, we fought on. With 10 minutes to go, Stokes Valley won a corner. With the Shield telling Dando to “get that f**king melon on it”, he did just that. Every second corner Reece takes is a beauty (every other one is into a car park or a nearby stream) and he floated one attractively to the back post.
Dando may or may not have jumped off his marker (his memory is unclear, your honour) and got his frontal lobe squarely on to the ball to direct it towards the opposite top corner. The goalie flailed, the man marking the post jumped, but the ball pinged high off the post and nestled downwards. 3-3.
That’s the way it stayed. While we had some decent second half chances through the ever-busy Reece and the Gazelle galooting his way around the place, Tawa will moreso rue this as one that got away.
Exhausted Stokes Valley bodies in the minimalist Kura Park sheds. No subs, plenty of suds post-match.
Our backline were Herculean, Dando and Blair worked hard for 90 in the middle (Blair, particularly was everywhere), while Liam and Sean were always in the fight. Reece and Ryan up top just kept going and kept the ball at the right end of the park.
After a tough time of it during the pool stage of Masters 1/2, the Mentors feel like they’re among their people now.
