13/04/2024
Lately something shifted, I feel different. How to put into a few words the incredible complexities of life... It may be impossible. But I will try.
Becoming a mother put me on a fast path to adulthood, to womanhood. In ways I could never have imagined I'm confronted with myself, my heritage, my privilege, my ancestors.
While sifting through sandy memories of my life, needing to understand and talk about certain events that shaped me, I lost touch a little with my body. Not so much with my physical body, but with a deeper layer within.
Even if I was happy and able to guide others through their yoga sequences and give meaningful touch during treatments, the daily routine with two young daughters and all the processes that accompany it took over my brain space. And my physical space. I lost touch with my sensuality.
Sensuality meaning my pleasure in being me, being in my body, feeling lush and amazing in my own skin. Like that rush of sensations when you dunk into an ice bath after being in the sauna. Feeling alive, skin tingling, heart thumping. And maybe becoming a mother also opened the door to a new kind of sensuality, a deeper sense of comfort within my own skin, that I felt sometimes but would lose again in the blink of an eye. Questions about dishes and unicorns and schools and dirty socks and bike seats took over.
So what's different? The crazy thing is that I'm finding my sensuality by creating boundaries. Sounds like such a contradiction! But by having a clear schedule, knowing what's coming and who is doing what, I create the space to be with me, with whatever needs to be addressed. Which allows me to sink deeper into my body and reach that state of calm, easy playfulness. I'm arriving at a more accepting place, surrendering to what is. And then my sensuality is just there, lingering, like an old friend I’m only now getting to know. Asking me to go for a ride.
Working with my body has always guided me. I am and will forever be a performer, a seeker of physical sensation and endurance. All the work I do stems from this curiosity. Where do certain memories sit in my tissue? Can I release, strengthen, soften, melt? What are the effects of certain ways of moving on my emotional body, my state of mind?
This is a never ending process, and I love that. I love my body as this endless source of knowledge, inspiration, sensitivity. And lately I feel this trust deep in my belly that I am OK. That I can play and love and live and make mistakes and I don't need to prove anything, I am OK, with all the imperfections. This is where my sensuality comes in.
Connecting with other women played a huge part in this. I’ve been attending weekly women’s circles for four years now and it changed my life. It allowed me to soften, to practice expressing myself more authentically, to experiment and play. We are all going through similar things. Many of us feel alone in some way. We’ve learned to be distrusting of one another, to speak and act from a place of scarcity. I could stay angry at the patriarchy for fu***ng with the natural order of things but finally I am the only one that can change how I react. I decide how I communicate, how I connect, and how I feel. And doing this supported by and supporting other women who are working on similar themes is extremely powerful. It creates a ripple effect and everyone is better off.
That's why I decided to start a women's circle in Den Haag. One Friday a month, around the full moon, we will get together and celebrate.
The starting point will always be the body. Depending on the needs of the group we will breathe and move together, there may be hands on work, we will share. We will relax. Hopefully we will feel free to be as we are in the moment, to feel what needs to be felt, to express ourselves authentically.
All details are in the first comment. I can’t wait to hold space for us.
