16/05/2026
“Make a false unhinged version of me”
Certified ankle whisperer.
Specialises in teaching emotionally unavailable adults how to regain hip internal rotation and process childhood trauma through 90/90s.
Claims to run mobility classes but is actually building an underground society of people who can deep squat and communicate their feelings.
Banned from 3 commercial gyms for stopping random people mid-workout to explain rib cage positioning.
Known side effects of attending her class:
* sudden awareness of breathing
* irrational urge to buy lacrosse balls
* saying “my nervous system is dysregulated” after traffic jams
* accidentally fixing your posture and your life
Believes every problem can be solved with:
1. controlled articular rotations
2. hydration
3. glute engagement
4. honest conversations
Will watch your squat once and uncover:
* your ankle restriction
* your left hip compensation
* and unresolved abandonment issues
Powerlifter by hobby.
Mobility cult leader by destiny.
Once spent 45 minutes teaching a client how to breathe into their upper back and called it “transformational work.”
Current hobbies include:
* filming cinematic lat pulldowns
* collecting certifications like Pokémon cards
* disappearing from Instagram to “protect energy”
* returning 3 days later with a reel about resilience
