05/07/2018
Raising Smart Kids To Be Humble (Article by Eli)
1. Don’t tell your child how “smart” she is.
I was definitely guilty of this when Zip was little. We do it all the time as parents, right? Tell our kids they are smart – it’s an easy adjective to throw around. But research has shown that frequently telling our kids they are smart can actually backfire when it comes to creating healthy self esteem. When kids identify strongly with being smart, they may “protect” that identity by being perfectionistic, less likely to take risks (for fear of failing), or going overboard trying to prove they are right (the know-it-all). Even if your priority is for your smart kid to do well academically, telling her how smart she is really isn’t the way to go.
Instead, talk about how your child worked hard, exercised her brain, or used good problem solving skills – anything that helps your child take pride in the process involved in success. (I love this video about how to respond when a child asks “Do you think I’m smart?”) Focus your child’s attention on having fun and the joy of learning.
Along the same lines, avoid bragging to Grandpa about how “smart” your child is in front of him. Instead, tell her how hard he is working or invite him to tell her about his favorite book. Again, you want to your child to know you are proud, but without “smart” being the end-all-be-all.
2. Point out that everyone has strengths.
Yes, it is great to do well at school or be a strong reader or have an aptitude for math. In the classroom, these are often the things that stand out. We talk with Zip about how school may not come as easily for other students, but maybe something else does or maybe they have another special talent. Maybe they draw well or dominate at kickball. Maybe they are especially compassionate or sing like a rock star. Each person is unique and special in his or her own way. Back this up with real life examples of people who excel in different ways.
And, just as we don’t want to be made fun of for the things we don’t do so well at, kids who have more difficulty with schoolwork should never be made to feel badly about that! We have, from time to time, talked about this very directly.
3. Handle the desire to be “the best” carefully.
Developmentally, elementary school is a time when kids want – and need – to master new skills. It’s one of the reasons they will spend hours drawing or making up songs or shooting hoops in the driveway. They want to be good at something and maybe even the best. I want my kids to feel good about their talents and their efforts, but not focus on being “better than” others.
Just like parents should avoid labeling their children “smart,” avoid talking about who is “the best.” Instead, emphasize that practice and experience are ways to become better at something, that we all have our own strengths, and that there can be many ways to be the best (looking at the varying styles of famous artists is a great way to make this point). Encourage your child to have fun and enjoy his passions, rather than worry about being “the best.”
4. Emphasize social skills and empathy for others.
There are two things we tell our boys before they head off to school each morning: “Learn something new and be kind.” Or sometimes it is a variation like, “Do your best and be a good friend.” We try hard to emphasize learning to get along with others as being an essential part of the school day, just as important as book learning.
5. “It is more important to be kind than to be right.”
This has been a mantra in our home in recent months! Now that his little brother is five years old and full of ideas of his own, Zip is constantly correcting him. I know he comes by this honestly, because I was – sad to say – the same way as a kid. It’s probably why I love blogging about parenting, because I know best, people! (I’m joking, of course!)
Instead of telling him to knock it off or stop being a know-it-all (although I admit, sometimes I do that too), I try to use some of the following prompts and reminders:
“Did you understand what your brother was telling you?” Yes. “Then there is no need to correct him.”
“If you can’t say something nice, please don’t say anything.”
“How do you think your brother feels when you tell him he is wrong / your idea is better?”
“It’s okay to each have your own ideas about things.”
“People don’t like being corrected all the time.”
It is a work in progress. I recognize that, at 8 years old, it is natural for a kid to want to be right and the best at something and smart. Over the past couple of years he has only become more confident and self-assured, which isn’t a bad thing! But my hope is that with these strategies in place, my smarty pants will also be the kind of person who makes others feel good about themselves, and will understand that how we make those around us feel is truly more important than what we know.
