21/07/2015
Greetings gentle readers. I am sorry, for it has indeed been a while.
Today, I feel it is appropriate to talk about what can be a fairly taboo subject in this country. Taboo, because very few, sadly, want to discuss it, yet, even more sadly, so many thousands, and their families, are so badly affected by it.
What am I on about?, you may ask. Simple. The horrible scourge of depression.
I am not sure of the statistics, or how many in ten have it, but it bothers me that so many can't or won't talk about if for whatever reason. I feel it is a massive failure in our race that we can't.
I have been living with depression for ten years or more. I'm unsure how others describe it for themselves, but I prefer to say I live with it. Others may describe how they have struggled with, or even battled it, and in fairness I have done both. I have good days, bad days and sadly, terrible days. I have had days where I was unable to get out of bed, almost, thankfully not for a very long time, and days where I have completely cut myself off from others, and spoken only to my dogs.
A few years back, after my so very many prescribed anti depressants and stress relievers ran out, my gp gave me the phone number of a counsellor. I rejected same and dived headlong into my new best friend in the world, booze. It was unfortunately not an uncommon sight to see me in the off licence almost every night of the week buying a of box of whatever was cheapest, Rolling Rock or Stella, and a bottle of my very very best friend, Mr. Daniel's finest sour mash, until finally, after many months, I realized I needed help from a professional, and made that call.
The first session was one of the toughest experiences of my life as some of it, just so much can come out in an hour, came pouring out. At one point, when I could no longer go on, as I was busy looking at the floor crying bitterly, my counsellor just spoke my name softly, and I remember vividly thinking to myself that if this guy tells me it's okay, I was out the door and into the nearest pub. Instead he said;
"Whenever you're ready, we'll continue. There is no rush."
I didn't speak a lot that evening, nor did I feel any better, but I was glad to have started to speak, and try to get it all off my chest what I was feeling and going through, and over the following months, the root causes, and eventually I started to feel better within myself. You see, the thing was, it was good to talk to anyone.
It is one of our greatest failings as a nation that we are so unable to talk about our problems, or find ourselves almost unable to listen when somebody tries to talk to us, often making us feel uncomfortable. I had tried, and the answer was usually the same. Either; "let's go for a pint so we can talk properly", or, "ah Jaysus come on. Have another one. You'll be grand/ it will all look different tomorrow.", and of course I would roll home, pretending I was in better form, when all I would be was drunk on top of depressed.
I continued to see my counsellor on a regular basis for many months, and when the need arises, still go today.
I, like so many more, may have at one time looked at depression and admitting to same as being a sign of weakness, even when I was battling with it. I have met so many people since that I believe struggle daily and refuse to admit to themselves let alone anyone else that they are struggling, and it saddens me. Nobody should battle alone against the most determined enemy you can ever encounter. Yourself. It is even more tragic that so very many more lose the battle every year, and sadly can (in my opinion) no longer see a future for themselves in this life, and bring about the end of their own lives. Believe me. I know. I came very close myself. It should always be remembered that you have no idea what personal and mental torture a su***de victim has gone through up to that point.
Always try and remember a few pointers that turned me away from that most awful drastic measure. There is only one you, and you can never ever be replaced. Those you leave behind will miss you in ways you will never even begin to comprehend. Before you ever use that age old phrase, time is a healer, try not to. It's bu****it. Time heals nothing, but being around for a long time is priceless beyond measure. Being there for somebody though is an amazing gift, and may pull them away from the abyss. Speak up. Don't be afraid to. Just make sure you talk to the right people. Friends are a truly valuable gift, but are often, through no fault of their own, not the right ones to talk to as if can be virtually impossible to remain unbiased.
I said earlier that I felt today was an appropriate time to talk about depression, and that is for one simple reason. Today should have been Robin Williams' 64th birthday. If one of the funniest men who ever lived found himself backed into that terrible corner, any one of us can be as well.
Hang in there.
You are loved, and have a lot of love to give.
Live! It's what life is all about.
Peace all. Never be afraid to express how you feel.
Much love.
Chris.