23/05/2019
ROB ROY REIGNS SUPREME!
The 2019 Squash Tournament Finals day saw Rob Stevenson retain his Open Singles title in an exhilarating match against No.3 seed Bradley Wilson who in the semi-finals had removed the Removal Man himself, No.2 seed H.R.H. John Smith. After many years of being the runner-up the Young Pretender at last attained the Holy Grail of being the champion in 2018. Could he defend his title? His attempt wasn't quite as straightforward as the 3-0 scoreline suggests, as his opponent, suitably disguised as Mauricio Pochettino, gave as good as he got, and the match was a kaleidoscope of whirling arms, cross-court leaps and muttered curses, with some rallies that were so long and exciting that the spectators were enthralled. Rob Roy eventually triumphed and is now crowned King of the Squash Club whilst Sir Bradley takes up Rob's erstwhile title of the Young Pretender and, like the Terminator, He'll be back!
The same couldn't be said of the Ladies final for the simple reason that it didn't happen. Unfortunately reigning champion Andrea Thorpe, Queen of the Squash Courts was the victim of an assassination attempt by the Junior Champion, Princess Pia, in one of the macthes. In making a cross-court winning shot the Princess found her ball obstructed by Andrea's left eye, and the match was suspended. The Blonde Battler was rushed to hospital where the eye was washed in surgical gin and examined under a microscope, and we are pleased to announce that no serious damage had been done. We are still awaiting news as to the date of the final which will be between Andrea and Jennifer Johnson.
New boy Thomas Hesmondhalgh, with the unpronounceable surname, was challenging for a remarkable double by attempting to win the Alternative final against no 4 seed Tim Mills and the Handicap final against the Old Campaigner Mark "The Dark Destroyer" Fuller. Tiny Tom, who at 8'6" is one of the tallest players in the club, triumphed in his first final, the Alternative, by grinding The Miller into a dusty defeat by 3-1, although the games were close, and The Miller appeared to be staging a fight-back to level the score at 1-1. However Tom, with his spindly legs and arachnid style spectacles scuttled around the court like a Human Spider and soon had his opponent engulfed in his wily web.
However Tom met his match in the Handicap final, his first handicap being that he was playing that wily old Wardrobe, Mark Fuller,who long ago received the soubriquet of the Human Wardrobe, due to his tactic of standing like a piece of immovable furniture in the middle of the court whilst his opponents bounced off him in all directions. Although now a slimline version (more like a Human Cabinet) the Wardrobe still managed to bring the Human Spider crashing to the ground in one game. The Spider was showing signs of wear & tear during the 1st game following his energetic Alternative triumph, losing it 15-4, but rallied in the 2nd game to get the Wardrobe worried and sweating linseed oil. However a polished performance from the Antique Furniture saw him trundle to victory 15-12 to become Handicap champion for the first time in living memory!
With a view to quelling any riots and public disorder in the gallery during the matches, the Thin Blue Line were represented in Force. First to arrive was Sgt Mike Roberts who was investigating the Case of the Morris Dancer in the Singles Plate. It was Duncan Morris however who had the rozzer on a Plate, as PC Roberts, hampered by his uniform, and using a squash truncheon, was unable to nick the victory, and the Plate, along with a Cup and saucer went to the felonious Morris dancer.
The plain clothes Division had more success however, as Inspector Gary Davison of Scotland Yard was deployed to deal with that dodgy reporter from the BBC, Nick Raeburn-Ward, in the Veterans final. It was an exciting match...for 2 games, with the Man from the BBC dashing around the court like a TV reporter dodging the bullets in a combat zone! He got the bullet in the 1st game but turned it around in the 2nd to level the match at 1-1. Totally unphased, our stolid policeman charged at him in the 3rd which he won 15-2, and after that NRW's sting was drawn. Chief Inspector Davison produced the coup de grace in the 4th, getting the handcuffs on his opponent at 15-5 and his hands on the Vets Cup.
Squash can age you very quickly, and in the twinkling of an eye the Veteran Detective Davison had become a Vintage case. He had a new crime to solve and a wily adversary to track down in the Master. Paul Masters, is an opponent of much experience, having been a member of the Club for many centuries, and he showed little respect for the law by racing into a 2-0 lead, winning the 1st game in extra time after the score had reached 14-14. With masterful shots flowing from his masterful racket the Master looked the favourite to win and Ray Winstone was soon on the phone to shorten his Bet-in-Play odds online. However a dodgy refereeing decision in the 3rd game unnerved the Master and he was unable to sustain his winning run. Chief Supt. Davison, hitching up his truncheon, went onto the offensive and had The Master reeling from a series of arresting shots. With the inenvitability of a leviathan the Old Bill soon had the Master on the run, and achieved his Double with a 3-2 win.
The Juniors tournament was played on Court 3 as a round robin event with the top two playing the final. This proved to be Princess Pia, daughter of the famous Shah of Warlingham, against the Morris Minor, Duncan's son, Ed Morris. This too was an exciting match to watch, with Princess Pia eventually winning 2-0, but only after coming back from 7-0 down in the 2nd game to win 11-7!
The last Final of the day was the ever-comical Doubles, always a source of humour due to the collisions, near misses and confusion over the scoring! This year the No.1 seeds, Rob Stevenson & Ron Terry took on Paul Masters and Bradley Wilson. The Laird of Warlingham made his only appearance in a final this year but was, as usual, handsomely decorated with much leg scaffolding. For newcomers to the Club, Sir Ron McTerry was a former Club champion in an earlier century, but nowadays is to be found more frequently on the racketball court. However he hadn't lost his squash cunning as was shown as he and Rob Roy powered their way to a 3-1 win. Again it was an exciting match and The Master & Mauricio Wilson won the obligatory 2nd game to level the tie and after their Scottish and neo-Scottish opponents had gone back into the lead after the 3rd, the No.3 seeds nearly took the match all the way, having game ball in the 4th before succombing 15-14 in the sudden death ending.
Much gratitude and many congratulations to Sean Bean, sorry, Sean Doyle for organising an exemplary tournament which was well supported and lots of fun.
