18/10/2025
Such a great explanation of why so many people accumulate belongings and need to talk about individual items in detail before deciding what should happen to it.
Seeing it can bring back memories of the experiences associated with it that we may have forgotten, and then talking about it out loud helps us process what it means to us.
And why it may not be as important to us as something else.
My Amazing Au-DHD, PDA son Charlie, experienced a success, yesterday.
The success didn't come easy.
It was a STRUGGLE, but we made it, TOGETHER! 🤩
___________________________
Let me explain....
Like a lot of Neuro-spicy people, Charlie has a hoarding problem.
He collects things, obsessively....
Rocks and fossils,
Antique brooches,
Funko pops, 🧙♂️ 🦹♀️ 🧜
Cat plushies,
Foreign coins, 🪙
Pokemon cards,
Cobalt glass,
Jurassic World dinosaurs 🦕
Bionacle Lego
Animal bones 🦴
Toy platypus*
(I have no idea how to pluralize platypus)....
the list goes on and on.
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Charlie has more STUFF than anyone else in our house.
And, mostly, that's okay. 🤷♀️
He needs to take up space, and we accomodate that.
__________________________
But since Charlie struggles to let things go....
Whenever I need to make the call to REMOVE something from our home,
you can guarantee there
is going to be drama. 🎭
He can't accept transitioning:
* broken items to the trash, 🚮
*outgrown items to charity or friends, 🧸
*and incomplete sets of things to recycling 🔗
_______________________
And no...
It doesn't help to explain to Charlie that you are helping him to
"make room for new stuff."
But WHY IS THAT??!! 🧐
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Well, Charlie has ADHD.
Amongst other things, that means Charlie's working memory is WEAK.
If you just say to him,
"Remember last summer? What was that ice cream flavor you kept ordering at the Beach Shack? You ordered it like 12 times....?" 🍨
Charlie is probably going to stare at you and say,
"I dunno." 🤔
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But if you pass Charlie a green, shovel shaped, little spoon....like the ones they use at that Beach Shack for eating ice cream, 🥄
and THEN you ask him the SAME question, he will answer pretty quickly:
"Oh. The flavor was called Prehistoric-Pistachio-Nugget.
It was green pistachio ice cream, with cookie dough balls, pistachio nuts, and chocolate rocks. 🪨
I like it in a small size bowl with a shovel spoon. I ask for napkins. Sometimes it melts on my hand.
I give them my reward number to earn points. You should do that, too, when you go.
They have outdoor seats. But their indoor seats have blue, sparkly cushions. 🔷️
I know you will take pictures, so sit inside. The sparkle cushions look nice in photos."
__________________________
For Charlie,
Material objects are a SENSORY TOOL. 🔨 🧰 🪛
When he:
sees objects,
handles them,
smells them,
plays with them,
Or lines them up
He is using his COLLECTIONS, to HELP his brain RETRIEVE long term memory
_________________________
His hoarding is an ADAPTATION.
A BRILLIANT strategy!
And that means when I ask him to throw things out,
He FEARS that I am asking him to THROW AWAY HIS MEMORIES. 🥺
_______________________
But...he's a big kid! 🧑🦰
He should know that something like a Halloween costume, 2 sizes too small (one he didn't even like wearing!) isn't going to do him any good... right?
He has a phone with pictures of last Halloween. 🤳
He can look at them, whenever he wants!
_____________________________
In Charlie's case, that doesn't matter....
the FEAR of losing memories puts him into fight or flight. 😖
And once he is in Fight/Flight mode, I can't expect him to be rational about selling, his old costume.
I have to de-escalate, co-regulate,
and give it TIME. ⏳️
____________________________
So, when Charlie came to me panicked over my listing his old costume for sale,
I stayed calm.
I invited him to tell me about why he was upset.
And I listened, with a neutral facial expression and relaxed body language. 😐
________________
Once he had vented his worries, I told him that we had lots of time to discuss this
and that my choice to sell the costume, was NOT a final decision.
I told him that the costume was staying in our house for AT LEAST another day, while we made a choice, TOGETHER.
________________
I didn't react when Charlie said,
"GOOD! BECAUSE ITS MINE AND YOU ARE NEVER, EVER, GETTING RID OF IT!"
_________________
I took a deep breath.
"It's not going anywhere today or anywhere without your knowledge..." I reminded him,
"I am not a parent who plays tricks on their kids."
_____________________
And then I enthusiastically offered him some heavy muscle activities.
I knew he couldn't get into a THINKING mindset,
until his body was regulated.
I needed his body,
to tell his brain's Amygdala, that he was NOT in imminent danger.
Only then, could he use his frontal cortex to think LOGICALLY
And the best way to do that for Charlie, is for his body to get tired....
for him to feel like he out-ran or fought off the DANGER.
______________________
So I offered a few activity options. (When he was younger, I would have modeled them)
Charlie chose to ride his bike for a while, and then help carry heavy pumpkins from the car to the porch. 🚵♂️ 🎃
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2 hours later, Charlie asked me WHY I was trying to sell his costume.
I reminded him that last year, it had barely fit him, and the velcro kept popping loose when he bent over.
I used a disinterested voice. I tried to sound like it was simply a fact.
I showed him pictures of himself this month, and a year ago, so he could see how much he has grown....
and I said,
"Remember how all your shorts were grey and I had to swap them out for green, in July?
And how your head kept getting caught in your Minecraft shirts so I had to get you pixel shirts, instead?
That's because you grew a LOT this year." ❗️
_____________________
I didn't expect an answer. I didn't demand one.
Charlie processed this information, slowly. ⏰️
______________________
Whenever he made a comment, I kept my response positive (calm, appreciative)...
"It's been pretty amazing to see how much you have grown and changed, this year. You are almost as tall as me!"
Charlie asked for evidence of this, so we stood together and looked in the mirror.
I winked at him and asked if he was going to be pushing ME around in a shopping cart, in a couple of years.
"You're teasing me, Mom" he said wryly, "....I think. Right?"
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"Yes, I'm teasing," I assured him, "But sometimes I miss you being small.
Moms love you at every stage. Little stages, big stages.
And as you grow, we miss every stage that passes, even while we look forward to the NEW stages."
_______________________
Charlie nodded.
"I miss Halloween, already. It's been SO long since last Halloween. But...the new one is coming. So I guess you can sell the costume."
I kept my face neutral. "Are you certain?"
Charlie said, "Yes," and kissed my cheek. 😚
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I gave him a hug.
And that was that! 🩷
I did NOT risk re-activating his nervous system by praising him.
Charlie sometimes struggles with "being perceived," even if it's POSITIVE attention.
__________________________
I put one of his favorite shows on TV, and asked if he wanted me to make garlic bread. 🥖
Then we shared a snack while we watched "Krapopolis."
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Do you know a Neurodivergent person who struggles with hoarding
or with excessive clutter?
Tell me about what KIND of stuff piles up in their space.
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Or....Do you have a personal suggestion for how to pluralize the word 'platypus?'
