04/09/2026
Internal Concept Translations
In my Spark & Steady Couples group call this week I asked the couples to do an exercise. I asked one partner to say what their internal weather was like.I then asked the other half of the couple to feed back to the first what they said. By internal weather I mean the mood they are in, translated into a weather type. An example would be: When someone struggles to think clearly, they might state that their internal weather was foggy.
Once all the couples had done this, I asked them all why they thought I had brought this exercise. It turned into an hour and a half discussion of differences between people and how what one person says can be so easily misunderstood by their partner.
We view the world, so our perceptions, understanding, and responses, through a lens made up out of our upbringing, genetics, belief system, and experiences, and mostly we don’t recognise enough that we do so. If I ask you all to draw a tree, each tree will be different, and yet the concept of tree would be understood, and seen as easy and simple. Between a pine tree, mighty oak, windswept tree bent to one side, and a monkey puzzle tree are enormous differences in appearance, climate, and size.How much more complex and rife with misunderstandings are our reactions to perceived judgement? Or the way we approach (or avoid) arguments?
Because of this, it is vital that we approach what our partner says or does with curiosity, instead of with judgement. Why do they scroll on their phone when you are talking to them? Are they truly not listening, or is it the only way that they CAN listen fully? When they vent at you about their awful day, do they want you to fix it or do they only want you to listen and agree that it was a hard day? If your partner asks you if you paid the electricity bill, are they truly telling you off or was it a genuine question? If you are telling a story and your partner corrects one aspect (his hair was black, not brown), are they adding to the story or telling you off? The way we respond to all of these depends on the lens we see through. If you grew up with an overly judgemental parent, you may perceive criticism where there is none.
The way you approach or avoid arguments tells a lot about your upbringing. In some families shouting is normal and healthy. In other families shouting means punishments or extreme disapproval. In the first a child probably would grow up to be an adult who quite enjoys a shouty argument. In the second the child, as an adult, is likely to avoid arguments at all cost. In some families you would never, as a child, go to bed without talking things through. In other families things would never BE talked through. Have a think how that might affect how you respond to fights.
Curiosity is the key, but what if your nervous system explodes before you can become curious? When both of you have stormed off to opposite corners of the house and are sulking, waiting for the other to apologise? Here my question would be whether an apology is truly necessary. If both of you responded involuntarily, either through not having any spoons left, or through instant nervous system response, what would you apologise for? Your bodies felt unsafe and flipped into fight or flight mode. At that moment there was nothing either of you could do about it.
There DOES need to be a repair. That is always necessary. A talking-through when both are calm, explaining the why and how, translating from one world view to another, that is always important. Apologies are not. It is about understanding, not about who is right and who is wrong.
So, if I ask you to think of the concept of ‘safe’ what comes up for you?
Warm wishes,
Anita
www.anitahempenius.com
