08/05/2026
Opening the season with a win! 🚨
United Services Vs Compton CC Match Report 2/5/26
Saturday saw the glorious return of league cricket as United Services Portsmouth CC 1st XI travelled to take on Compton CC 1st XI in what can only be described as a regulation United Services emotional rollercoaster.
Preparations began in typically professional fashion with half the side arriving late thanks to traffic, while Simon Berendt’s car decided opening weekend was the ideal moment to audition for Scrapheap Challenge with a mechanical failure en route. As a result, the start was delayed while various members of the squad arrived looking stressed, under-caffeinated, and already emotionally exhausted before a ball had even been bowled.
Things immediately worsened when captain Brad Welfare lost the toss. Audible groans rang around the dressing room as Compton elected to bat, condemning United Services to an afternoon in the field despite several players having mentally prepared themselves for a nice early tea.
To be fair, the bowling effort was excellent. Will, Simon and Eki all chipped in with wickets, but it was Swayam Patniak who shined brightest taking 4 wickets! Josh Low produced one of the great examples of “bowling too well to take wickets”; his figures of 8-2-17-0 somehow required Compton’s batters to survive entirely through luck, edges landing safe, and defensive shots that looked accidental. Every over seemed to end with Josh staring into the distance wondering what more he actually had to do.
Compton eventually posted 187-7, after a rain interruption that saw an early lunch be taken with several members of United Services attempting to calculate Duckworth-Lewis using vibes alone.
The delay resulted in a revised chase of 155 from 33 overs, which everyone agreed sounded “very gettable”...
Brad and Vaughan Wilcox opened up, with Brad producing what statisticians later confirmed was a “rare aggressive innings,” striking at comfortably over 50 for perhaps the first time in his career. Sadly, just as a half-century loomed into view, Brad once again managed to bottle a 50, departing for 42 after briefly threatening competence.
Jason Jeal kept the innings moving with an excellent 46, but then came the inevitable United Services middle-order collapse. From a comfortable position, wickets began tumbling in familiar fashion: Josh Low departed for 1, "he's turned that the wrong way", Varun Patel flashed briefly, "should have hit that harder", Simon scratched around, "I need to go sort my car out", and suddenly panic spread through the dressing room.
As the required rate climbed, Neil Hards could be heard on the sidelines providing “encouragement” to Eki and Brandon Mayer, though some may describe it more accurately as sustained public cursing. Eki and Brandon’s partnership initially consisted largely of defensive prods, missed opportunities, and Neil inventing new combinations of swear words.
Then came the turning point.
In a moment the Compton captain will hope he and his team quickly forgets, he realised he had completely failed to count his bowlers’ overs correctly and was forced to turn to part-time bowler Alex Elms for a crucial over. Brandon immediately treated this development with the respect it deserved by launching him around the ground for 16 runs, instantly transforming the mood from “classic collapse incoming” to “we might actually nick this.”
With scores level and tensions high, United Services sealed victory in the most fitting fashion imaginable: a bye. Not a glorious boundary. Not a heroic winning shot. Just confusion, scrambling, and the ball dribbling away as the winning run came via extras — exactly the sort of ending this match deserved.
With what can only be described as a typical day out in Div 5 Hampshire cricket, United Services somehow opened the 2026 season with a win. Cricket, thankfully, is back. 🏏
