27/01/2022
Rudgwick SX vs. East Grinstead
County Cup QF
Match report courtesy of the one and only Daecon Leggett.
Well we got there in the end and it was 3rd time unlucky for the Panthers who went down 3-2. It may be recorded as a loss but this was a moral victory as we only managed to cobble together 11 players in time for kick off and went out fully expecting to be thrashed. On a positive note, the facilities were nice and there was a sizeable crowd, most of whom appeared to be waiting for Wetherspoons or the local food bank to open. The last time so many desperate and badly dressed people got together, they tore down the Berlin Wall, so it was sure to be a hostile atmosphere. The opposition players tried to incite the crowd by moaning more than a wh******se mattress when the sailors come to town but the ref to his credit stood firm and allowed the Panthers to roar...anyway, this report isn’t about the game, so let’s talk about the players:
Hoppo – Calm, composed and sporting a lime coloured kit that is best described as snug, our very own green goblin made one impressive flying save, unfortunately, his landing triggered tsunami warnings along the eastern coast of the USA and reports of fracking taking place in East Grinstead are as yet...unconfirmed.
Nick – AKA Grumpy smurf was back to spread joy and good cheer like a jester at a funeral. He had a very solid game, no nonsense defender, old school .....broke into a smile at one stage and threatened to enjoy himself but soon put those thoughts firmly back in the locker....rumour has it that the Samaritans have him on speed dial and Emma hides his belt and shoe laces every night...clearly a danger to himself and anyone he tackles
Healy - Absolute Pond scum, even viruses give him a wide berth and flies wouldn’t pick over his dead carcass but a great guy and very popular member of the team. He played well, won tackles, won headers, strode forwards with the ball majestically however, as last defender he managed to cut the CF in half whilst he was through on goal and yet only received a yellow card....should have been a red but desperation and pity are this lads trump cards...he lives to fight another day
Charlie - Looks like love child of Steve Sidwell and a giraffe and wouldn’t look out of place staggering around the streets of Dundee looking for Crystal m**h but solid and reliable, played well and ventured forward when possible. Doesn’t talk much but is a silent assassin and got booked without anyone noticing, do not approach the ginger ninja if he is wearing his black pyjamas
Dane – singled out for some top quality banter from the opposition as apparently he went home with one of their mums and she is a hairdresser...clearly humour and irony have yet to visit East Grinstead as none of these scum bags would have a parent with a job. He was effortless in the centre of the park, riding tackles like they were hairdressers and they couldn’t get the ball off him..at one stage it looked like he had used no more nails to attach the ball to his boots
Vincey - Mr positivity is a dedicated pro, he always starts his pre match warm up at 8am and gets the girlfriend involve doing rondos under the duvet. She needs to be careful as this man is so virile, he once impregnated his own reflection. The pale N’golo Kante was everywhere in the game and is the heartbeat of the team
LT – ran the show, complete box to box midfielder and created both goals. Moves to the beat of his own drum and has a wand of a left foot. He had them so rattled that they punched him in the face with a ball and he spent the last 3 minutes squinting out of both eyes....not an uncommon LT look, so welcome back Mr Reeee
Blick and Blick, sounds like a law firm but they are a couple of confidence tricksters. Silky Steve is the face man, who lulls defenders into a false sense of security and then takes their watch, virginity or self respect....the man is a legend and can give a defender twistred blood with one swivel of his snake hips, then we have, Mark, the banter bandit or magician, he has the ball on a piece of string, just toying with the defender like a cat with a mouse...now you see me, now you don’t...the man is a ghost and has faster feet than a Scouser with a stolen TV
Jordan by name and Jordan by nature, just like Katie Price he was desperate to score and happy to take some rough punishment and end up on his back in the process. Took his goal well and was a danger when driving forwards, or backwards, or even sideways.
Redders - He wears 666 for a reason. The son of Satan kicks everything that moves and his life motto is Kill it, Eat it, F**k it..... but in no particular order. He is quite pretty and will prove popular in the prison showers.
Oli – Turned up after 80 minutes just for a free shower
Scotty Murrell - Last seen in a strip club in the early hours and didn’t turn up. We’ve started a search party and have nailed it down to about 5 clubs and are confident of finding him by the time we get to the last one.
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