05/10/2019
I’m going back to the gym for the first time since my run last weekend and genuinely can’t wait. Iv missed getting on the treadmill and just going for a run. Iv found running is not only a good way to keep fit physically but it also really helps me process everything that is going on in my messed up head. Iv missed the chance to just forget about everything and just focus on one foot in front of the other.
How many people can honestly say they are happy at the moment, I’m 30 something (34 I think) years old and can’t actually remember the last time I was truly happy. I wasn’t happy for a long time when I was with my ex wife and haven’t really found my happy place since. I go to work, I go to the gym and I go home, this is my life pretty much every day. I don’t have a lot of friends and I don’t really have much of a social life so most of the time I just feel invisible to the world, that I don’t matter or no one would really miss me if I was gone. I don’t have a family and only really have 1 person that I speak to on a regular basis, so I doubt anyone really would notice.
I hate the way I look and hate the way I feel most of the time, Iv always compared myself to others and never felt good enough for anything. Iv never felt like I deserve to be happy and that I never really will. Everyone has a place and a purpose in this world and I believe mine is to make others happy and not myself, I seem to be better at that haha.
I’m okay with all of this and am okay with my place in the world, I know I’ll never be properly happy again and I know I’ll never get what I want or what what I deserve, but as long as I can make others happy that’s all that matters in the end isn’t it.