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karis.cains, Newton-le-Willows (2026)

08/03/2023

Perfectionists don’t need self-improvement.

They’re experts at taking useful concepts and using it to beating the living sh*t out of themselves.

Like “feel your feelings”.
Perfectionists are like “GREAT. IM DOING THAT ALREADY. I FEEL BAD. WHAT NEXT???”

That’s because you wallowed. You set up camp with one feeling. And called all the good feelings liars.

You made the easy mistake of having feelings about having feelings.

You didn’t -feel- your feelings (plural, all of them).

You gotta stop that. Because we need that beautiful, problem solving brain working on things other than how to tear yourself down.

Here’s what happens when you stop.
✨ waste 50% less time trying to be perfect
✨ hate yourself less
✨ become gritty. The opposite of brittle. One bad feeling can’t take you out.
✨ so you stay engaged with your life
✨ and get BETTER and FASTER at your work
✨ and develop deeper connections with your people

I am an expert at snatching perfectionists out of wallowing. I’ll teach you how to do it for yourself.

In 90 days, you will
💪recognize how to spot your unique signs of wallowing
💪have a roadtested plan for how to get back to healthy interaction with yourself
💪 know what to do AFTER you’ve felt the feelings
💪 learned to make space for new feelings, BECAUSE YOU’RE DOING NEW THINGS.

Your life could be so much bigger and more satisfying than it is right now.

Sign up for a free consult with the “book now” button in my bio.

P.S. not sure you’re ready for a consult? Have a few questions? I always welcome questions in the DMs.

18/01/2023

This is part of a series exploring

🤠 how perfectionism and procrastination are both ineffective strategies to deal with shame

🤠 finally end the vicious perfection/procrastination cycle by interrupting it to create a sense of belonging, compassion, curiosity, and GOOD WORK

🤠the 4 things you need to practice in order make the shift

Today we're deep diving into one of those practices.

When you actually do this practice (by yourself or with me), you'll feel calmer/less frantic. And from that place of calm you have much greater capacity to do all the work you actually need to do and want to do.

18/01/2023

This is part of a series exploring

🤠 how perfectionism and procrastination are both ineffective strategies to deal with shame

🤠 finally end the vicious perfection/procrastination cycle by interrupting it to create a sense of belonging, compassion, curiosity, and GOOD WORK

🤠the 4 things you need to practice in order make the shift

Today we're deep diving into one of those practices.

When you actually do this practice (by yourself or with me), you'll feel calmer/less frantic. And from that place of calm you have much greater capacity to do all the work you actually need to do and want to do.

11/01/2023

So if working harder to do better isn't going to solve procrastination, what will? How can we get out of the shame induced teeter-totter of perfectionism causing procrastination and then procrastination demanding perfection as penance?

We want to move from shame to belonging and compassion. From the curiosity and good work flow.

Here's how you make the switch:
🎯 Create awareness of all the contradictory standards you're holding yourself to
🎯 Develop comfort w/ negative emotions (your own and others')
🎯 Make decisions intentionally
🎯 Communicate to build actual connection; not just avoid disappointment

Want to learn more?
Over the coming days I'll deep dive into each practice- what you're likely doing now instead, why this will work better, how to do it, and the impact of making the change.

But if you're dying to jump into implementation right now, schedule a free consult wit the book now button in my bio. Working with someone else is the quickest way to move from shame to belonging.

👋👋👋

09/01/2023

Here's the REAL reason procrastinators can't finish their to do list.

Procrastinators struggle with doing work until the very last minute. They have a hard time checking things off of the to-do list because they never get ahead.

That's obvious. But there's another reason the list is never done.

Who makes the list?
All procrsatinators are perfectionists.

Perfectionists try to control their feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty through really high standards and performance.

The perfectionist version of you is the one making the to-do list.
The version of you trying to solve feelings through actions is the same one adding things to your to-do list.

The problem is that will never work.
No amount of checked-off boxes will free you from uncertainty or make you feel like you belong.

But perfectionism is born out of hope. It won't give up easily.
When you still feel uncertain and inadequate, a little sliver of perfectionist hope speaks up to say,

"No. There must be a way. What if I just try harder? Put MORE things on my to-do list. One of these must be the ✨right✨ task that will make me feel better."

There is an energy supply and energy demand problem.
Perfectionism stalls the work that is already on the to-do list with never-ending doubts and questions.

And while things are stalled, perfectionism keeps adding tasks to the list.

🎯Procrastinators never finish their to-do list because perfectionism won't let them.

The to-do list will never be completed until you answer the right questions.
Awareness of procrastination ➡ How can I get my work done more consistently?
Awareness of perfectionism ➡ What's the right thing to do and the right way to do it?
Awareness of shame ➡ How can I take care of the part of me that's scared I don't belong?

Perfectionism is the current coping mechanism with shame.

You won't be able to finish your to-do list until you find a new answer to shame besides perfectionism.
Rest will feel like defeat when you still believe you must earn your belonging.

Want to work on this together?
All procrastinators are perfectionists.can't finish their to-do list.

07/01/2023

It's not surprising that you have a high standard for yourself AND you procrastinate. They seem like opposites until you realize they both are coping mechanisms for shame and doubt.

Question value.
Attempt to do it perfectly.
Get overwhelmed (because you're a human and perfect is available, especially on the first try).
Hide and avoid.

Rinse and repeat.

All procrastinators are perfectionists.
People with reasonable expectations of themselves and willingness to do it messy DON'T PROCRASTINATE.

Those people might have busy lives and so it takes a bit to find a pocket to do the thing.

Or they might not care about a project and never get to it. But since they don't care, they aren't sitting here thinking "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? WHY CAN'T I DO THIS THING?"

💩All procrastinators are perfectionists.💩

🎯Procrastination is a way of coping with unreasonable expectations created by perfectionism.

🎯Perfectionism is a way to cope with feelings of shame and worry you're not good enough (whether for a job, a relationship, or even for a functional life)

🎯Perfectionism is a way to cope with feelings of shame and worries you're not good enough (whether for a job, a relationship, or even for a functional life)

First and foremost, you have a shame problem.

Let's confront that together.
On a free consult we will examine the areas of life you're frustrated with, talk about what you've tried, what's got you stuck, and where you'd like to be.
I'll tell you what I see and what I'd specifically work on with you to help you get there.

You take it in. Ask alllllllll your questions. Experience what it's like to talk to someone not as overwhelmed by your problems as you are. And decide if one on one coaching would work for you.

50 minutes on zoom to stop being confused about why you're stuck and imagine a doable path forward.

Schedule with the book now button in my bio.
➡ .cains

06/01/2023

Procrastination is not a laziness problem.
Or a time management problem.

Procrastination: attempting to avoid an emotion by avoiding action.
If you just never have work to show to people, they can't think badly of you.
If you never try, you never have to confirm your fears that it's not good enough.

One layer below procrastination is perfectionism.
"If I can just make everything perfect, then it will all be fine."

Perfect is a high bar to clear.
So it leads to MORE procrastination.

Perfectionists are procrastinators.
And procrastinators are perfectionists.

Both behaviors are coping mechanisms with SHAME.
Shame is the fear that there is something so wrong with you that you don't deserve to take up space in society. You're lazy. Or a hot mess. Can't do anything right. Unlikeable. Stupid. Insert go to insult for yourself.
(sidenote: this is where I think the enneagram is really helpful. The core fear is usually related to what shame sounds like for you specifically)

There's only two things to do:
1. Fix yourself by doing everything JUST.RIGHT.
2. Hide. Fire yourself before anyone else gets the chance to do it to you.

All in an attempt to cope with feeling like you don't belong.

But you do.
That part is a lie.

Ya know how I know?
Lazy people aren't desperately trying to figure out how to work better. They LIKE not working.

You don't need to ~fix~ some fundamental part of who you are.

You just need to confront shame.
It's simple, but a marathon.

Shame pops up when you're working and says you're not doing it fast enough or well enough.
It pops up when you're rehashing every conversation you've had where someone seemed maybe even a teeny bit upset. "What did I do wrong??"
It turns up when you're trying to rest. "I don't deserve this."

Shame even pops up when you succeed.
"See, idiot. I knew you could do it. WHY weren't you doing it THIS WHOLE TIME???"

Confronting shame is learning a whole new way to relate to yourself.

If that feels real to you, then there are only two things to do:
Book a free consult w/ button in biocains

28/10/2022

I just sent this email to a client.
But where there’s one, there’s 2.
Someone else probably needs this too.

*if you read this and thought “yeah but my person wouldn’t love me if I stopped doing all the things” - then this advice isn’t for you.

If I were talking to you, I’d ask “is that true? How do you know that?”

And if you had examples of being derided or mocked or treated with scorn when you didn’t function to their standards, then I wouldn’t coach you on challenging your perfectionist mindset. That’s not the main problem. An unsafe relationship is the problem.

05/10/2022

I don't like receiving help.
Because I don't like needing help.

But thankfully, I have some really great helpers in my life.
They share these 3 qualities:
1️⃣ competent: they know how to do the thing
2️⃣ caring: they're invested in me and/or the task at hand. they want it to go well.
3️⃣ humble: they're secure. they're not trying to prove who they are through their actions. they aren't playing status games- comparing themself to the objects of their attention, trying to figure out if they're better or worse than that person. As CS Lewis says, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less."

Without all 3, you're a hard person to accept help from.
Humble + Competent?
You're probably unaware that you could offer assistance... or uninterested. Just living in your own lane.

Humble + Caring?
Great at encouraging people. That's a certain kind of help. But has it materially improved their life? Not yet. Although it might lend them the emotional fortitude to try again.

Caring + Competent?
Ooof. This is the danger zone. This is where you come across a POMPOUS AS***LE. Steamrolling people, assuming to know better than them, feeling justified in taking over and telling them they're wrong, but only because "I just want what's best for you! IF YOU WOULD JUST LET ME HELP YOU NOT BE SO PATHETIC, EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER."

Combining all 3 helps you avoid the deterrents to help.
No disinterest, not just getting stuck along with them, and no pitying paternalism.

Help that is easier to accept. Because it's actually HELPFUL. It respects the receiver, the giver, and the task.

Do you have a component that's the hardest to come by?

04/10/2022

Here to cosign that it's chill if you JUST. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
That's chill.

Tell me about something you tried to make yourself like.

07/09/2022

I'm begging you, please stop expecting life hacks to change your life.
Life hacks have very particular usefulness.
Your life will be worse if you try to use ALLLLL the life hacks at once.
Because you're forgetting about context.
You're forgetting about wisdom.

25/08/2022

I am here for all the diagnosed, the undiagnosed, and the people who think "I don't know about ADHD... I just know that I know so much but it's not helping me take any action."

P.S. MY STANCE ON MEDICATION:
obviously, I can't prescribe medication. I can't deep dive with you about different medications to try. I don't know about that.

I heard a doctor say people with ADHD are helped both from "pills and skills".

I can advise on the skills side of things. I'm not against pills. I'm just staying in my lane.

One skill I work on with clients is questioning thoughts that -sound- responsible, but are actually just shame. "Isn't medication the easy way out? If I just tried harder I wouldn't need meds..."

Some of my clients are being supported by medication. Some have in the past, but for a variety of reasons aren't right now. Some personally don't want to take medication. I'm so happy to talk through the shameful thoughts with you. I have no agenda other than supporting you to have a more fulfilling life.

karis.cains

08/03/2023

18/01/2023

18/01/2023

11/01/2023

09/01/2023

07/01/2023

06/01/2023

28/10/2022

05/10/2022

04/10/2022

07/09/2022

25/08/2022

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