04/01/2024
📸 Look at this post on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/share/LAgRkh82p5PEfLAi/?mibextid=WC7FNe
An excellent post x
TW: Weight Loss, Eating Disorders
This photo was taken back in August and, unusually, I liked it, and it got me thinking about body image, so I wrote this post. Unsurprisingly, I've not had the courage to share it, but the focus around food and eating to excess at this time of year has always been a huge trigger for me, so it feels like the right time to share it, even if I still don't feel brave enough!
I grew up knowing I had to look a certain way and my first dieting experience was the Cambridge Diet in my late teens and early 20's during the late 80's. I also remember stressing about what I was eating, and getting lettuce and mayonnaise baguettes for lunch because I thought it was less calories. At this point I think I was around a size 10-12, but I was paranoid that my body was changing shape because of my lifestyle changes. I was also going through an incredibly stressful and emotionally difficult time which, on reflection, probably had an impact on the changes in my body image and self confidence.
The anxiety around my appearance gained momentum during my first pregnancy; watching the numbers go up at every pre-natal check up, and starting my second pregnancy a stone heavier only increased that feeling of disgust.
After my second child, I discovered the 'low-fat diet' and there was a brief period where I didn't 'hate' my body, but a third pregnancy was the final straw, with yet more pre natal weight checks to reinforce my negative body image, especially as I watched others with their tiny 'cute' bumps. Just another way I felt like I was failing.
By this point I was in my 30's and a stint at Slimming World helped me lose some weight, but increasing health issues and reduced mobility meant I was never able to burn calories/tone up, and my body was never the same. Of course, that didn't stop me having the unrealistic goals of my pre-pregnancy weight and shape.
Years later and the struggle is still very real. I hate seeing myself in the mirror, clothes shopping is traumatic and I spend my time bargaining over every meal and feeling disappointed every time I 'treat myself'. There's also the daily weighing ritual which never goes well (despite consistently consuming the 'right number of calories'), so each day begins with disappointment and self loathing.
I don't eat anything without assessing its impact on my weight or shape, and have an internal 'traffic light' system for calories. I always check what the next meal is before committing on what to eat and never eat anything 'good' without hating myself for my lack of self control.
As a mother, I was desperate not to pass my issues on to my children, so I talked about 'healthy options' but they weren't fooled and, unfortunately, my eldest daughter (who even remembers having to coming to a Slimming World meeting with me when couldn't get a babysitter), also struggles with body image and eating. Thankfully, she doesn't blame me and, through her courage, honesty and strength, I am finally trying to change my own destructive relationship with food and my body.
The first step was to hide the scales. But then, instead of weighing myself daily, I just worried what my weight was and stressed that it was going to spiral out of control, so they came back out. Now I tell myself they will go away "once I've lost 2 more lbs". That battle continues!
The second step was to stop 'seeing calories'. This is still a struggle, especially at this time of year, but I try to use my CBT training to recognise when I am doing it, acknowledge the negative behaviour and change my narrative.
The third, and possibly the hardest step, is to accept my body shape without feeling like it's a 'cop out' from actually doing something about the weight gain! That's a huge mental block, especially when society tells me I need to look a certain way.
Despite the fact that my weight and shape consume my every waking thought, I've never considered myself to have an 'eating disorder' because I don't conform to the two main characteristics that everyone recognises. However, I'm learning it's not always that black and white and, like so many other mental health issues, it's not a 'one size fits all' process and acceptance is often the first step to recovery.
Of course, I still live in a society where celebrities are constantly ridiculed for gaining weight, or celebrated for 'getting their figures back' just weeks after having a baby. We're also constantly being fed the 'sexy' option usually with female celebrities in their 60's being applauded for still looking glamorous (usually with a lot of assistance).
Clothes are getting smaller, so you have to buy bigger sizes, even if your shape hasn't changed (as a size 14, I recently couldn't do up a 'large' hoodie and had to purchase a 2XL item) and the fashion industry is constantly aiming their styles at people with no body fat and tiny waists, none of which are conducive to a body positive society. In fact, most clothing websites are filled with images of petite models (even Next's plus size clothing) and larger people are often penalised with higher prices.
Even my Facebook isn't safe, with friends celebrating weekly weight loss while sponsored ads are pushed through social media platforms, especially now when we're all supposed to be dieting because we are all 'fat' after Christmas!
How can we feel good about our body shape when we live in a world which values our physical appearance over everything else and there's industries making money by feeding our insecurities?
I'll admit that I'm still extremely uncomfortable about sharing this post, but I know I can't be the only person who feels like this and doesn't know how to talk about it?
Hopefully, if we remove the stigma, we can break the cycle of silence, so people will feel safe to be open about their issues and then, just maybe, we can begin to change society's toxic culture around body size and shape, by taking back control and honouring our bodies for their individuality and beauty.
In the meantime, my scales have gone away and I'm taking that first step again.
