14/12/2025
I’m unrecognisable compared to the girl who started jiu jitsu. I can’t describe how hard this has been…but I’ll try.
I gave up so many times. For a few weeks, sometimes months, sometimes years at a time. Looking back I don’t think I was really quitting; I was taking rest to metabolise what this strong medicine had brought up, to recalibrate my nervous system before the next round.
It’s become a cliche to say that jiu jitsu helps you “get comfortable being uncomfortable”, but this doesn’t even begin to describe the process when you’re training with PTSD.
Jiu jitsu has excavated some of the darkest, most wounded parts in me. Training has been a crucible, stirring up panic attacks, shame spirals, and crises of faith.
I’ve learned that I can measure my resilience not in the absence of these feelings coming up, but in the knowing that when they do I still know I’ll come back the next day. I’ve dusted myself off and returned enough to know that good days at training can follow bad days, that often “bad days” are actually the next level of tests, initiations that allow me to sit in the fire without getting burned, trusting that I am stronger than the demons that try to keep me stuck in the past.
Alongside these battles I’ve found something that makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever been allowed to feel.
I get to flow with movement that keeps me in the present like no other meditation
I get to gain mastery in a complex language that sharpens my mind and body
I get to devote myself to a discipline that gives my life scaffolding, direction, rhythm
By my definition, jiu jitsu is a yoga practice, a spiritual path like no other.
And I never thought I’d say this, but I can finally see how much skill I’ve developed, how much my performance has improved, how much more composed I can stay in intensity, and — most importantly — how much more time I can spend being myself. For someone who has been dysregulated and ashamed my whole life, this shows just how potent a medicine this practice is.
I’ve been on a winding road, but I’m happy to have settled at my new academy , and very grateful for my supportive & compassionate teacher 🙏🏼
