06/11/2025
โ๐ฌ๐ผ๐ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ปโ๐ ๐ธ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ต๐ถ๐บ ๐น๐ถ๐ธ๐ฒ ๐ ๐ฑ๐ผ.โ
Or maybe youโve heard...
โ๐ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ณ๐ถ๐
๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ.โ
โ๐๐ฒโ๐ ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ฎ๐น๐๐ฎ๐๐ ๐น๐ถ๐ธ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐.โ
โ๐ฌ๐ผ๐ ๐บ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฒ ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ผ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐.โ
Iโve heard every one of those lines in my work as a family lawyer, divorce coach, and now as a therapist. Each one holds a story of love, fear, hopeโฆ and control. Because abuse doesnโt always start with violence. It often begins with charm - the love bombing, intensity, and promises and then slowly shifts.
๐๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ช๐ต๐บ:
According to the latest ONS data (2024):
โข Around 2.3 million adults in England & Wales experienced domestic abuse last year.
โข 1.6 million were women, 712,000 were men โ roughly a 2.2 : 1 ratio.
โข About 1 in 5 adults has experienced domestic abuse since age 16.
Domestic abuse isnโt only a womenโs issue. It happens to men too but theyโre far less likely to reach out for help.
๐๐ฉ๐บ ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐บ
Because leaving isnโt simple. Sometimes, itโs more dangerous to go than to stay. Sometimes, the abuse isnโt physical; itโs psychological, financial, coercive. People stay because of fear.Because of children, finances, or shame. Because they still see the version of the person they fell in love with.And even when they leave, staying away can be the hardest part.
๐๐ฉ๐บ ๐ธ๐ฆโ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ณ๐ข๐ธ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฏ
From a CBH and attachment perspective, attraction isnโt simply about chemistry; itโs about familiarity.
โข Anxious attachment might drive us to โfixโ or โearnโ love.
โข Avoidant attachment might normalise emotional distance.
โข Disorganised attachment can create a cycle of craving closeness and fearing it.
So when someone comes along who triggers those patterns it can feel like love. Even when itโs harm.
๐๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ง๐ณ๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ.
Healing means learning to recognise the pattern, not the person.
It means reframing:
โI can fix themโ to โI can care for myself.โ
โTheyโll changeโ to โI deserve consistency.โ
Through therapeutic work, coaching, and awareness, we can rewire those early attachment scripts and build secure, healthy connections again. Youโre not broken for staying. You were surviving.
If this post resonates, share it; someone scrolling today might really need to read it.
And reach out if you need support.
Wishing you all the very best,
Celia Conrad