04/04/2024
Match Report 3/04/24
SAFETY SHINTY: Revenge of the Dizz
“Can expose you to parasites, bacteria, and toxic heavy metals” (Healthline, 2023). “Can pose a health threat, especially near sites of industrial contamination” (Callahan 2003). “Swallowing dirt may cause constipation or a blockage in the intestines. These can cause stomach pain, which may be severe” (Mount Sinai 2020).
Unfortunately, for the brave shinty boys of the Shinty vs Safety Shinty Championship 2024, the phrase ‘he ate dirt’ was not a metaphorical one. Wednesday’s match was perhaps one of the boggiest that Saints Shinty has ever seen, and the amount of flying soil ingested by both teams (by accident - we cannot hit the ball) certainly was enough to cause some of the aforementioned health problems.
But that was not how our day began. Oh no. First, John’s Big Fellas were treated to a wee photoshoot in the majestic cloisters of St Salvator’s chapel, dressed in shirts and ties as encouraged by Hamish ‘The Tory’ Speccy. Big smiles, crossed camas, and random Hamii that we had never seen before were all present as our former, Dizzandra, showed off his photography skills to produce some unexpectedly cute club photos. While the Saints Ambassadorial team was not impressed by our consumption of Tennents at noon in front of tours of prospective parents, our club spirit was never higher as we entered the historic 2024 match against Safety Shinty.
Arriving at the AU, the John Seamens Arena look deceptively green. Our hopes of good shinty conditions, however, rapidly faded with our first squelch onto the pitch. To paraphrase Schwurli of the girls team - ‘it was a puddle.’ No matter. The Shinty and Safety Shinty teams kitted up, and after a brief demonstration to the hockey boys on how to avoid breaking your thumb while defending (you’ll figure it out one day, Ohdee), we were ready to go.
The first half kicked off well for John’s angels, which was fortunate, given that our opponents had never played the sport before. Loan player Tiocfaidh’s efforts in defence for the hockey boys were clearly not enough to stop the onslaught of Gjallf, Sneaceaidh, and Krossak upfront, and after a few minutes of general kerfuffle in their D, we got our first goal. The half continued with Brillowe putting a shift as usual at CM, and Hamish Slip-and-Slide making multiple appearances for the safety shinty boys.
While we did put another goal past them, our opponents were quick learners and towards the end of the half, our defence found themselves under a tad of pressure. Fortunately, our end of the pitch was effectively a swimming pool. A tactical swap saw Lindsay in goal and Chilli making the most of his outfield skills - before rapidly being sent off by the referee for poor conduct. The boys put in a good shift to hold off any goals, even though at times our camans flew further than the ball (apologies for that guys). The first half finished somewhere between 3 and 5 to nil for the boys in blue.
After a rousing team talk from our managerial duo, who just about had a full set of working thumbs between the two of them, we were back for the second half. A goal was rapidly scored, and I rapidly began to get cold in defence, as play was mostly kept in the attacking half. Highlights of this half included some of the only good goals that we have scored this season, with a particular highlight being Phallow O’Nappa’s rocket into the top left hand corner from outside the D. After a few more tap ins, Dje Nee Nee announced the last minute of play.
This seemed to awaken something previously unseen in our former chieftain Dizzandra: quality shinty skills. As the ball rolled towards him at half forward, he raised his caman. We stood with bated breath. He swung: it connected. We ended the match with a top bins goal from the man himself, leading to riotous mud-related celebrations (evidence attached). Aikman’s match teas and a very big evening ensued, leading to the unfortunate demise of Hamish Speccy (RIP).
All in all a great day for shinty. Thank you to the lads from University of St Andrews Hockey Club for coming out and playing, and to the girls for letting us ruin the pitch. Alumni match and Leavers match are all that remains for the season - stay tuned for updates.
Final Score: 8-0
MOTM: Shallow
COTW: H. Speccy
DOTD: H. Speccy
PBTJ,
Fleur xx
