07/01/2025
Yesterday marked 13 years without my wingman by my side.
Time , DOES, as the saying goes, heal.
But an untimely death, a disease that penetrates the very beginnings of ‘our family’ , still feels desperately sad. The feeling of ‘why me ‘ ‘why us’ remains in the background always.
I know looking at things another way with optimism and grace, we were lucky to have had 12 great years , 2 healthy children and LOVE.
We did even discuss (in an attempt to look on the bright side) … of stage 4 colon cancer! That we would much rather it was one of us battling , than one of our children. To watch a child battle disease, or die before you must bear pain like no other.
This Saturday Fin , Maddie and I went out for lunch to remember Craig , as Fin went back to Newcastle Sunday. We visited Craig’s grave and then watched some old video footage. It was wonderful seeing and hearing Craig’s voice . Uncannily we all noticed how Fin sounded Scottish when he first learnt to talk! And it was lovely to see the unity and love in our joint parenting. Sometimes when someone dies young you wonder if their memory is canonised?! But eyes cannot lie. We were magical together, in parenting and in life. For me it was tough to be reminded of what we had, had.
I felt conflicted.
Those of you that know me well , will know I have at long last met someone - Jez. It took me 11 years to consider, a year to keep pushing him away. Yet his calm and steady patience to allow me to fall. He knows I would still be with Craig given the choice , he thanks Craig for making me the person I am. He wants to see Craig in my home, and for me to never feel that I have to stop talking about him , as he is, and always will be a part of me. Jez knew that in order to be able to fall that I had to feel safe enough and supported enough to finally let go, and to be ‘able’ to process my grief. I had to understand what ‘you/I’ do to protect your family and yourself from the ravishes of trauma. It was so deeply rooted, so entwined. Where habitual patterns would rise and fall like the ocean waves…. Continues in comments !
