08/12/2020
2 years ago today I gave birth to my youngest son. My little bundle of surprise and joy! This kid has changed my life in more ways than I can count!
I am going to be frank with you, when I first found out I was pregnant with him my world fell apart. As a sufferer of SPD (Symphasis P***s Disorder) with my first 2 pregnancies and knowing how incrementally worse it got with each I was frightened! Frightened of the pain, frightened of the lack of mobility, frightened that I wouldn't be able to parent my other 2 children (one of whom was only 9 months old at the time...whoops!), frightened about telling my relatively new place of employment about the impact it would have on me being able to do my job, frightened that this time it would leave permanent damage to my pelvis.
I was also incredibly worried about our financial situation, and selfishly my career. I knew in that moment that I wouldn't be able to continue doing the job I was doing on the pay I was on and afford the child care for 2 children under 3. An industry I had worked in for 10 years, slowly climbing the ladder to earn, let's face it, a pittance for a high level of responsibility. I didn't want to take a step backwards!
I also knew I would barely be able to move during the pregnancy so my post baby body I was just claiming back as my own was once again going to turn to mush. It would take an incredible amount of physical and mental strength to get through this pregnancy.
I cried! A lot! Like serious snot, puffy eyes, the lot!
I asked my husband if our relationship could survive this. We had just about scraped through the last few months of sleepless nights and tired angry words. Can we do it all again and come out the other side together?
I didn't consider for a moment not going through with this pregnancy (after all, it was the result of an alcohol fuelled, caution to the wind night within a loving family who could, in reality, afford the financial burden), but there was a risk that I would resent him for the pain of bringing him in to this world.
But, NOTHING could be further from the truth!
One day as I sat miserably, 12 weeks pregnant, looking at the choices I had in front of me I began to realise that this industry I had worked in for 10 years didn't pay me my worth. And did I really enjoy the job? Nope! So I asked myself, what do you want to do? If I was going to have to take some time out of work, maybe I could use it? Re-train? Find a new path?
On that day I booked a level 2 Counselling Skills course. My heart sang, my tummy did an excited flip, and I thanked my unborn child for giving me the opportunity to explore my choices. In January I start my level 3 and I have just begun a new job that bring my past, my present and my future together in the most beautiful way. I have already made friends for life and colleagues whom I learn from every day!
This moment in my life; a twist of fate? The hand of Gods? The Universes plan for me? My own subconscious and free will? Whatever you or I believe, this baby boy of mine has changed the course of my life in such a dramatic and awe-inspiring way. He shoved me off my 'it'll do' trajectory on to what I KNOW is my natural calling in life. He taught me that even in your darkest hour, you always have a choice! I chose to keep him. I chose to love him. I also chose to love myself. I chose to play an active role in my life and not sit back and allow life to happen to me!
When I look at my baby boy (who is not a baby any more) I don't just see his future stretching out before him, I see mine! And I couldn't be more excited and thankful for this bundle of surprise and joy!
Happy Birthday Ashley, my little big life changer!
