26/11/2024
JOB VACANCY: GRASSROOTS FOOTBALL COACH
Key Requirements:
Tactical expertise: Familiarity with modern formations and playing styles, like inverted wing-backs, False 9 etc; possess the ability to get this information across to 7 year olds.
Meteorologist: Able to predict match conditions, days or weeks in advance.
Negotiation skills: Be able to inform parents that their “mini-Messi” is unlikely to become a professional footballer, and they might need to pin their financial hopes on winning the lottery.
Mathematician: If X = match time, and Y = number of players, but A didn’t come to training, and B has a “hurty foot”, work out a schedule that means all players have a decent amount of game time, and a reason why “mini-Messi” is not playing every minute, and also isn’t taking every penalty & free kick.
Groundskeeper: Must be comfortable doing early morning pitch inspections (& liaising with league, opposition, & parents); putting up goal nets, parental barrier, corner flags; retrieving lost balls from thorny bushes; as well as clearing up other people’s dog mess.
Accountant: Stretch a shoestring budget to cover all kit, equipment, training venue, referees, pitch, & league registration fees.
Conflict resolution: Calmly diffuse spats between parents, players, and referees.
Training visionary: Create fun, engaging drills that keep the team engaged, and ready for match day; ensuring players aren’t cold in rain & freezing temperatures.
Laundrette: Ensure team kits are washed, & smell nice.
Motivational speaker: Encourage the team with pre-match & halftime speeches.
Event planner: Oversee the annual awards evening, ensuring trophies are distributed, and egos remain intact.
Other role expectations: Don’t ever have a late night before a match (Saturday nights are for mentally preparing for Sunday’s game, not for enjoyment). Must also undertake a separate full time job; and where possible, maintain some semblance of a family life
Pay: £0 / hour, but double pay for weekend working