07/06/2026
**BREAKING NEWS**
Sad news reaching us from Englands training camp 🏴 🏴 🏴
Our number 10, 13-year-old Elliot Sent Home from England World Cup Squad Following “Serious Breach” of Snack Protocol
England Football can confirm that 13-year-old Elliot has today been released from the England World Cup squad following what officials are describing as “an incident of an amusing but highly disruptive nature”.
The decision was made after Elliot was found to have packed an excessive amount of Haribo, claimed the best seat on the team coach, and repeatedly referred to himself as “Man of the Match” before the game had even kicked off.
Sources close to the squad say tensions rose further when Elliot allegedly celebrated a training ground nutmeg with a knee slide, despite being clearly warned that “we’re saving the celebrations for the final”.
A spokesperson for England said:
> “Elliot is a talented young player with a bright future, but standards are standards. The coaching team felt his behaviour around the snack table, combined with his refusal to stop saying ‘send him for a hotdog’, left us with no option but to send him home.”
Elliot is said to be disappointed but remains in good spirits. He has accepted the decision and has already informed friends and family that he “would have carried England anyway”.
His parents have confirmed he will now return to domestic duties, including tidying his room, putting his boots away properly, and not leaving empty water bottles in the car.
England wish Elliot all the best and look forward to welcoming him back once he has completed his rehabilitation programme, currently understood to involve one week without FIFA, no fizzy drinks before training, and a written apology to the nutmegged defender.
