13/04/2026
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🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨
SCIENTISTS CONFIRM JAM BEFORE CREAM LINKED TO HIGHER IQ - DEVON DECLARES “CAKEY WAR”
A landmark study by Cornwall University has finally settled one of Britain’s most divisive debates, confirming that applying jam first, then cream, on a scone is directly linked to superior intelligence.
The research, which involved 4,000 participants across the South West over three years, found that those who apply jam first scored an average of 23 points higher in cognitive tests than their cream-first counterparts. One control group in Devon reportedly attempted to butter a scone before being quietly removed from the study.
Lead researcher Professor Angela Trewin said, “The data is unambiguous. Jam first, cream on top. That is the correct order and frankly always has been. Cornwall has known this for generations, along with how to pronounce ‘scone’ properly and when to avoid Newquay in August.”
The findings will come as little surprise to most Cornish residents, who have long applied jam before cream as the only logical and morally acceptable method.
One participant from Camborne reportedly achieved a perfect score while eating his fourth scone and shouting at a seagull.
Devon, where cream is usually applied first, has rejected the findings entirely. A spokesperson for Devon Council called the research “biased, unfounded and frankly an act of war,” before confirming several residents had already begun launching scones across the Tamar. Witnesses say the first volley was mostly cream-heavy and the scone was drier than a “grockles flipflop”.
Tensions briefly escalated near the border yesterday, with reports of a jam jar confiscated after the lid had sharp edges.
The study has already been submitted to the Journal of Culinary Science and is expected to be debated in Parliament before they break up for their little summer holidays, where sources say MPs will be offered “neutral scones” which is politically correct.
When asked for his thoughts, St Austell resident Barry Bishop, 58, shrugged and said, “I don’t think it affects me. I’ve never owned an I.Q. The missus had a Fiat 500 for a while though. Not a bad car.”
