03/11/2022
Today I’m feeling low.
I realised something about myself for the first time today... that I am really good at portraying the outward appearance of being OK, of being able to handle it, even when I don’t feel it. And everyone who knows me will say that I am strong. I am capable. I can handle it. I've known this part for quite a while now. What I didn't realise was WHY I do this.
Today, I realised that my need to portray the outward appearance of being OK is a coping mechanism. A coping mechanism to protect myself from hurt. Hurt from not feeling understood. Not feeling seen. Not feeling validated.
I realised that from an early age, when I experienced negative emotions, the people closest to me throughout my life have felt uncomfortable around me. Not because they don’t love me, quite the opposite. Because they also feel uncomfortable with their own emotions. We can’t be available for others if we can’t cope with our own emotions.
Three things then happen.
1️⃣ Firstly, as a result of witnessing the discomfort in others, I have learnt not to show my negative emotions and to put on a front of being ok, when really, I'm far from it.
2️⃣ Secondly, as a result of witnessing the discomfort in others, I have learnt to feel unsafe showing my emotions. I either get frustrated with those close to me for not seeing me, or I push them away because I feel unsupported.
3️⃣ Thirdly, (and this is something I have recently learnt to do differently), I used to bottle up my feelings up and shove them down deep inside me because I didn't know how to deal with them. I'm pleased to say I no longer do this and I am learning to be comfortable with whatever emotions show up and to sit with them, in the knowledge that they will pass.
How many of you notice the same behaviour pattern in your life?