06/16/2023
Dear Dallas, it’s been a month since I said goodbye to you and although I like to tell myself that I can feel you around me all the time, I’ve had some moments since you’ve left, that seem so destabilizing that in those instances I don’t know where to look so that I can feel you again.
What I’m trying, is give myself the space, time and permission to unravel, fall apart, crack, open, melt down, explode, weep uncontrollably, feel anger and rage, and disassociate into a void filled by only one reality in which you and I never have to live a day without the others living body close by.
Your death isn’t the only thing going on in my life these days. You know this first hand, having lived with me all of these years that we never actually get to live just one thing at a time. Even mourning the loss of you needs to exist amongst all of the other wild challenges that life generously presents us with.
Being grateful for my ability remain healthy in times like these, does not eliminate how f**king hard it is… and so, being a brand new business owner, navigating all the unknowns of being a q***r entrepreneur in a system that’s always centred and given preference to normative models of happiness and success, trying to rewrite what it means to be in intimate relationships that are either platonic, romantic, sexual, or fluidly flowing in and around all of those dynamics, finding balance within those external relationships and the relationship I hold deep within myself, and then also simply trying to show up as real as possible while doing all I can to minimize the amount of hurt and pain that will inevitably seep into my experience, feels way bigger since you’ve been gone.
A break would be nice.
Rarely will I admit that I feel like I’m crumbling because I’m afraid that the people around me will loose trust in my ability to work, lead, love and live. Being visibly and authentically sad in a world that favours and rewards superficial positivity is a way of being political. Its not a cry for help or a need for attention. I’m just a guy trying figure out how to be real and still feel like there’s space for me out there… ya know?
✌🏼