05/08/2024
Bear in the woods or man in the woods? If you're a woman, which is scarier? Researchers asked women. They findings were not pretty.
The "bear or man" research stirred some things for a few of us men. Here's what I've been seeing:
resistance, anger, resentment, denial.
This is not surprising. But, it is sad.
We —most of us masculine-identified men— like to think of ourselves as reliable, trustworthy. Certainly not as threats to the women around us. When most of the women surveyed say they'd trust a bear in the woods over a man in the woods.... Well, we get defensive.
But, that's how it is bros. The research, not to mention the day-to-day practices of women, shows that there are enough of us men who are NOT trustworthy, NOT reliably safe that the majority of women surveyed feel unsafe around pretty much ALL of us.
One man shouted out, "We're not all rapists."
I believe that's true. We aren't all rapists. But some of us are. And few of us men are calling out the friends, brothers, acquaintances, sons, nephews, boys next door who are rapists or otherwise abusive to women.
Frankly, I think most of us are afraid to call out this kind of behaviour as unacceptable, even when we think it's deplorable. Why? Because —as much as it sounds like too much of a generalization— there is an undercurrent of "r**e culture" in this society. And the women in our lives feel our silence on this subject as chickensh*t behaviour. Untrustworthy. We may not be perpetrators, but we are bystanders. And that, my men friends, that is, I would say, profoundly "unmanly" of us who prize trust and integrity among our virtues as men.
So.... how, men, how do we become the men we believe ourselves to be?
This is what I see the research asking us. Not to defend ourselves, but to PAY ATTENTION. And, begin to this this thing called "men's work."
Men's work is not about beating our chests and saying how awesome we are (though there can be that too, because once we step into being the men we are, we are awesome!).
It's not about cold water swims and wild man retreats. Though those things are sometimes part of it.
Men's work is fundamentally about facing the reality of our lives and our fears and our desires—as men. It's about learning how to experience more trust. More love. More awesomeness.
Men’s groups, from my experience and from what I hear other men say, these are important part of this, for most of us men.
TEACHERS
There are a lot of good teachers of men's work out there. And some not so good. Here's my short list of guys I've learned from and trust.
I encourage you to look at what John Wineland johnwineland.com/
and Justin Patrick Pierce justinpatrickpierce.com/ and Ted Riter tedriter.com/ and Max Trombly www.ashiftinbeing.com/ and Brandon Archer brandonarcher.com/ and Leroy Gordon instagram.com/royflashgordon/ and David Deida deida.info/ are offering. There are more. These are guys I've learned from and trust. Every man has his own style and his own strength. Check them out. Find one that fits. Commit to six months of learning. Become the man you are.
For my part, I'm offering a new online men’s group in a new time slot. The change we want to see in our lives, which often involves feeling ourselves more purposeful and trustworthy, begins with us. When we get to know ourselves better, the world becomes a safer and more beautiful place for all the women in our lives. Not just our wives and girlfriends, but our sisters and mothers and colleagues and daughters and granddaughters.
For more of what I'm doing with men, please see http://menswork.ca
