18/10/2020
This is a journal entry from February 5, 2015. This post brings up all kinds of emotions. Fear, sadness, anxiety and shame. Wait, did I just say shame? Yup I did. Let’s break down each of these emotions....
1. Fear. There was just so much fear. My job had announced that changes were happening and I would live the next 4 months not knowing if I would have a job in the end. I was the sole provider for my family as my husband had just lost his job and we decided it was the best time for him to go back to school.
There was also fear that my marriage was entering a change cycle and I was blaming myself, my weight and how little I felt of myself.
2. Sadness. I was sad of the changes at work. My safe little bubble was changing and I was sad. I was sad that I felt so little of myself. I was sad my marriage might be failing.
3. Anxiety. Well duh. I dint know many people who wouldn’t am anxious in the above situations.
4. Shame. Yes shame. Shame in myself and how far I had let myself go. Shame in the fact that my marriage might be failing. Just shame.
Fast forward over the next 5 years.
June 2015 received a promotion. I have been in my current role since and live it. Love my team and the challenges we face which keeps me busy.
Oct 2016 my husband broke the news he wanted to separate. He eventually moved out Aug 2017.
June 21, 2017 had my consult for gastric bypass.
Feb 2, 2018 had my gastric bypass surgery
November 2018 down 100lbs!!!
July 29, 2020 had my 1st skin surgery
Over these past 5 years I have gone through even more than is shown here. But you know what, I no longer feel that shame. I no longer suffer from what I know now was depression and anxiety. I am@able to cope with stress in a healthy way rather than binge eating. I am in a place mentally and physically I never thought I would be in.
I am the Phoenix, and I have risen!!!!